This is an old piece I just came across

originally written June 24 2008

what i can i say its one of those days when you dont know whether to cry or rejoice you kno that conditional happiness. Its like everything will be peachy when, or just as soon or (worst of all) after. could it be that im being a damn fool or do i really love this man. am i blinded by riches or smitten by a fire that now burns deep within my soul o that man. o the warmth he brings me the smile he places so gently on my face but the cold that remains in his wake... so on those dark nights wha am i to do who can i run to? i dont want anyone else i let the feelings for man i have wanted for years fall to the wayside the night he proclaimed his love. but o the pain waiting for this to die this blockage that places a hold on us this damn in our raging river of passion. so do i drop anchor here or turn around a seek somethin new but why would i do that? i have invested so much time emotion. 2 days ago i realized that my love for ***** had died only to realize that my love for he who shall not be named had grown from an ember into an ever-growing blaze. but i have been down this road before i kno it very well so i kno i should avoid it b/c its full of sharp turns pot holes and last time i remember travailing this path the bridge to happiness was out. CRASH went my heart my love and life in to a deep black abyss but i digress. i have chosen to trust this man i have to ask if someone would go to so much trouble to keep me when im not puttin out and clearly he doesnt need me truth be told i need him more than he needs me. trust is such an elusive thing when it comes to me i trust no one and have no faith in things unseen outside of the holy realm. my motto is show me b/c i have come to learn if i dont see it its not there. o the joy that fills my heart when i think of all that we could be, the envy of the gay lifestyle, a model for the up and coming the Barack and Michelle of the ballroom scene, polished, he a double o me a **** us the couple to be reconed with a house on the hill a little puppy and love that transcends understanding. o the possibilities. i love him. i Love him i cant believe i can say it and mean it and like it im getting teary i should stop but for some reason my hands my heart my soul cant say enough to describe how i feel right now i dont know who this letter is destined for but its open to all to explore the convoluted mind of a wife destroyed, a lady damaged and a woman scorned who is slowly but surely falling in love

THE BOTTOM OF A BOTTOMLESS PIT

day to day it takes all of my strength to hold me head high in spite of all of the pain that i hide deep inside most days i just want to leave this world one way or another. im almost tempted to stop taking all of my meds and just let myself drift away. In november i lost my job and in turn lost my world my home gone my lifestyle gone every inkling of security that allowed me to sleep soundly at night and dream dreams of happiness is gone. I feel like a paper bag blowing in the wind no way to steer no control over my direction. My mother is my biggest source of stress she simply does not care about me i guess she want me to be homeless and go live in a shelter. Its looking like im gonna lose my car the last thing that ties me to reality if that goes away im not sure where ill end up. i really think i might in a place where suicide would be a viable escape clause. I just want it all to end all of the pressures of life i just want them to drift away whether it happens by a life turn or by a self inflicted eternal slumber. I have no one who wants to support me nto one who wants to help me out of my rut. When this is all over and i get on my feet i honestly want to move so far away and only call on thanksgiving and christmas every other year. Its bad when the way your family, who should be your support system, treats you so badly that you just want to forget who they are. In my delecate position i would think if no one else would hold my hand my family would at least try, they have not even attempted to do that. I hope that my life turns and door begin to open. at this point my return to WSSU which i have so looked forward to is anything but definite. Somebody please save me from myself.........

One Last Breath - Creed