When the lights go down

What have i become? I used to be so sweet and innocent, so caring and giving. Now i fear that im becoming a cold and heartless person that i dont know. I am reminded of the tin man, the difference is i used to know what it was like to fall in love and feel happy or sad. But these days it feels like im mad at the world. I often talk about an old heart break that never healed. Im sooooo over that but i think that my way of coping has been disabling that which makes a person a person...my ability to feel. What would i do if i could feel? Well for starters i would mend many broken relationships that were destroyed by my short temper and general disregard for the feelings of others. I know that someday i want to fall madly in love but where am i going to find enough strength to again hand over my fragile heart and hope for the best? The "what if" factor is what keeps me from letting anyone in, after all i have been thru i just dont want to get hurt again. I need a man who is strong enough and brave enough to love away the pain, one who is strong enough to carry me thru the hard parts of our journey together and most of all love me like i do just for being who i really am....what i seek is a soul mate. But in this day age when people want to move so swiftly like they do in the movies...where is the man that will love me in slow motion...i guess i am in the minority. I need to be surrounded by people who i can trust and people who love me. Until that day i guess ill just be a frigid bitch who is sad lonely and circling an emotional drowning in a pool of endless suffering, sadness and loneliness. This is the face that you will never see on the streets, on video or in pictures...this is whats left when the paint and clothes come off....when the lights go down.

More on the Black Church

ODE TO MY PAST

(press play on Sia- Breathe Me b4 u start)

As i stand on the edge of life changing decision i bid a thankful goodbye to my past. I wave a painful goodbye to my silver spoon a thankful one to the hostility that i have carried around toward those who only wanted to help. I am so thankful for those who have stood by me thru these last few painful years. Thru the loss of the love of my life the painful disconnection from my family the loss o my job and realization that my delusion of grandeur was just that, a delusion. Most of all i thank those who have stood by me thru my diagnosis with HIV i want to say a special thank you to those friends that have come into my life as a result of that life changing news. This is so hard b/c i don't know how to walk away from my life, the friends i have known for years the home that i grew up in, my mother who loved the the hurt away and help me the quietly without judgment thru the hard times when she could. How do you move to a place where no one knows your name and start over, a place that you dont know how to navigate neither geographically nor socially. I sat and cried for three days asking god why...the loss of Zola almost sent me to the edge but god told me i wasn't asking for the right things. So i asked to release me from all of my vices set me free from my materialistic needs sever my ties with the familiar and empower to walk into the dark night knowing that he is taking me toward a bright new day. I got everything i asked for. So i stand on te edge of the rest of my life and im ready to dive in. I love you guys but i gotta go. Onward i say, away from sleepless night toward days filled wit smiles. I pray that love is on the way. Its been 2 years all alone and im ready for something new ive got a fresh canvas and this time i want the perfect man there to help me fill it with vibrant colors. To the friends who will make it thru this transition know that our relationship will never change and you better come see me just bring a jacket. Chicago here i come to shake the foundation and turn the city upside down cause that new new bitch is comin 2 town and i have plans 2 hang around for a while.

Breathe Me - Sia

This is an old piece I just came across

originally written June 24 2008

what i can i say its one of those days when you dont know whether to cry or rejoice you kno that conditional happiness. Its like everything will be peachy when, or just as soon or (worst of all) after. could it be that im being a damn fool or do i really love this man. am i blinded by riches or smitten by a fire that now burns deep within my soul o that man. o the warmth he brings me the smile he places so gently on my face but the cold that remains in his wake... so on those dark nights wha am i to do who can i run to? i dont want anyone else i let the feelings for man i have wanted for years fall to the wayside the night he proclaimed his love. but o the pain waiting for this to die this blockage that places a hold on us this damn in our raging river of passion. so do i drop anchor here or turn around a seek somethin new but why would i do that? i have invested so much time emotion. 2 days ago i realized that my love for ***** had died only to realize that my love for he who shall not be named had grown from an ember into an ever-growing blaze. but i have been down this road before i kno it very well so i kno i should avoid it b/c its full of sharp turns pot holes and last time i remember travailing this path the bridge to happiness was out. CRASH went my heart my love and life in to a deep black abyss but i digress. i have chosen to trust this man i have to ask if someone would go to so much trouble to keep me when im not puttin out and clearly he doesnt need me truth be told i need him more than he needs me. trust is such an elusive thing when it comes to me i trust no one and have no faith in things unseen outside of the holy realm. my motto is show me b/c i have come to learn if i dont see it its not there. o the joy that fills my heart when i think of all that we could be, the envy of the gay lifestyle, a model for the up and coming the Barack and Michelle of the ballroom scene, polished, he a double o me a **** us the couple to be reconed with a house on the hill a little puppy and love that transcends understanding. o the possibilities. i love him. i Love him i cant believe i can say it and mean it and like it im getting teary i should stop but for some reason my hands my heart my soul cant say enough to describe how i feel right now i dont know who this letter is destined for but its open to all to explore the convoluted mind of a wife destroyed, a lady damaged and a woman scorned who is slowly but surely falling in love

Gay Marrige Yes or No--A political take

Ok so the other day a close "friend" of mine posed a question "gay marriage yes or no?" of course given my sexual prerogative i said yes. He then told me that a preacher had asked "so what about bisexual people?". the response seems simple but when you begin to let it marinate, as it has for me all week, you begin to question your natural response. A gay marriage bill would protect the civil liberties of homosexual me and women all over the country. Lets analyze that idea. Civil liberty is an interesting subject. when you think about it you must ask yourself is it really possible to protect every persons civil liberties? The main argument is "i should be able to marry whomever i want". Now, back to the preachers argument, if one applies that to the seeming rational argument to the pro-gay marriage position you have a problem. If a bisexual person loves a man and a woman he/she should be able to marry both right? That is after all what the argument suggests. I, in response to the argument my friend brought up, said that's not rational nor is it right. Hmmmm but why? That is the argument of the opposition, its just not right. However in the quagmire that is politics what is right and what is wrong? What civilized and even most industrialized groups consider to right is the view of the majority. Majority vote is after all how we make laws right? So i ask, if you had been the person that the pastor had raised his argument against what would your response have been. but be careful not to get tangled up in your own opinion. It is common knowledge that in order to win a debate you must be firm in your position but educated on the opposition.

He Proposed - Kelly Price