For all the colors of the rainbow

How many times have we given our all to someone, only to get nothing in return?
How many times have we given our hearts away only to have it broken...again?
How many times have you trusted someone only to be betrayed, cheated on or disrespected?
Last night as i watched for colored girls i realized that the themes portrayed in that movie are not for colored girls or even for colored people...they are for the world. I realized that i had been struggling for years to find my stuff after this, that and HIM. I looked in my suitcase because i thought maybe i had lost it on a trip, i looked in my trash because i thought maybe i had thrown it out , i retraced my steps because i thought...maybe just maybe i had left it on the train. I have been searching for years for my stuff high and low here there and everywhere...everywhere except the last place that i knew i had it. I last saw my stuff while i was curled up in the arms of the man of distorted my dreams, as we lay and as we kissed and whispered sweet nothings in the eager ears of one another. It wasn't until recently when i hoped to pack my bags to find comfort in the arms of another that i even discovered that it was gone.
    At the doctor they found no pulse because my heart was gone, my temperature was low because nothing but embers remained of the passion that once burned within  ...she told me i was dead and i couldn't cry because the wells had run dry and my emotions had taken a vacation long before this solo heartbreaking conversation i was numb.
   But wait an epiphany, in an instant i knew where my stuff had gone it was last seen pinned to the coat tails of my lover lost as he snatched his heart from my grasp and shattered my world made of glass. his feet crunched on the shards that remained of what was once my life, in his departure  he took my heart my love... all of my stuff
MY STUFF
Looking back at the years i have lived in lack, the absence of my stuff. broken hearts lay strewn in my beaten path. i wonder if he knows he has it, i wonder ft he takes it out and smells for my scent when no one is looking. Or maybe he doesn't even know.... I guess ill never know
Does anyone have a heart,a touch of passion or maybe just some stuff lying around to sell?

More on the Black Church

Wounded

Why dont you love me? I have no idea why i even as the question anymore, because i know that you do. Why cant we be together, im not sure why i ask because i know the answer. Why are you a prisoner to your religion? You left me alone and damaged you broke my heart and i have spent the last 3 years trying to make sense out of my despair. My chest was ripped open and my heart was stolen to be used in your sadistic plot for domination. you cant have your cake and eat it too. I dont understand why you cant just be who you are. Why do i have to suffer because you struggle with God. Every night i pray that you will see the truth. Why do you tell me that you love me every time we talk? Have you ever looked at the moon and wondered if i was looking at it too? Have you ever been watching a show that we used to watch together and wondered if i was watching it too? Do you ever ask God to deliver a message to me in my dreams. I have. I say all of this to say that i love you and i forgive you for all of the bull, and the pain and if you ask me im ready. The other night i heard a song "i dont believe we were put together not to be together" are the first words, and in our case it is so true. We were standing up against all odds and trusting and believing in the miracle of love when we met. Everyone hated our union but we persevered through it all only to be cut down in our prime by your foolish pride. Some days im ok others im sad and some days im just mad as hell and i just wanted you to know. Some people need time to heal but others, like me...we just need someone to love the hurt away. My only question is if you won do it then who will, no who can?

HEARTLESS

We have all given our heart to someone, whether it was a friend who you confided in the mother who bore you the father who raised you or the people who love you. Many of these people will forever have a small peice of you heart and hold it dear and care for it like the percious item that it is. There has for many ,and will for others, come a day when a special person will come into your life who you dont have to love and that person will sweep you off your feet and check out whats left of your heart, blend with your soul and shower you with love. This blog isnt about the happy times its about what happens after the happiness is gone. You almost want to call the police and tell them that there is a jewel thief running free. The one problem with your report would be that you gave your heart away and now that the bond is gone you want it back. ITS NOT FAIR you say and as it hits you you must cry,eat,or sleep the pain away all the while knowing that there is a huge hole in your chest where your heart used to be. You find another you think could be right and just as you let down the wall you remember theres nothing there but an empty space. Why do people run away with our most precious possession why cant they just give us the closure we need to move on. What happens when your mind says you want to love again but there is no heart agree. I have met so many people who were once blessed with hearts of solid gold who have been robbed and left with sterling silver, I have seen hearts glass revealing all "hidden" within smashed and taped back together and finally my heart was diamond encrusted masterpiece, STOLEN never to be seen again. If he would just give it back i might be able to open up. Guys want me to tell them what my heart says and i always say i dont kno and really dont, i dont have one. So before i go i want to make a plea just tell me you dont love tell me you dont want me and that we can never be and magically my one of a kind pump will return to its rightful place and make me the loving warm person i once was. Where do broken hearts go? i dnt kno somebody stole mine but if i ever ill be sure to let you guys know!

The library of hearts

this is just a silly piece that popped into my head juss wanted to blog a lil of it

The day i saw the first man i wanted to be with it never occured to me that i had checked my first book out of the library of hearts. A thick chocolate leather bound new age work book of fiction one with many chapters twists and turns. He was one of those books that is not recommended for children. I should have read the blurb. Several chapters in i realized that the syntax was too complicated and the concepts were too mature so with a solemn despair i gently closed the book and placed it back on the shelf for the next patron. My next selection was a tall beautifully bound book that looked to be around 230 or so pages. I snatched it from the shelf just as another hand reached up for it and cracked the cover with foolish anticipation. This was a work of romantic fiction about two lovers who found each other on a winters day and were inseparable from that moment. The book was complex enough to challenge me but easy enough for me to fall in love with every sentence and hang on every word. But as all good romances do this one had a twist one so severe it broke my heart and left me tears as i slammed its cover and fought the urge to scatter the pages about the floor. I hate the library of hearts big books tall book shorts books and skinny book. Drama, science-fiction, romance, childrens and so many more to choose from. Since i left my last book laying in the aisle i have searched high and low for the non fiction/ autobiographical section to no avail. Over the years i have passed many study nooks and witnessed others happily enjoying their selection. where is my page turner the book that if judged by the cover would relfect the genius within. Is there a filing system maybe an index that could direct me in the right direction because i am overwhelmed by the millions of books some off limits some reserved and mistakenly placed back on the shelf. Others are missing pages or have long lost prequels that are no longer available. I think i could be rich if i made cliff notes for the selections in the library of hearts.

HOW DOES THE CAGED BIRD SING?

how does the caged bird sing? how does it find the strength or the wind to part its beak and serenade the room when all it has ever known are the decorative bars that it finds itself surrounded by. i liken my life to that of the caged bird. My rock and my hard place have come to resemble the golden bars of its cage. My golden bars are the many formalities and the quagmire of bureaucracy that block my way. My golden bars shine and shimmer like the mask of contentment that i wear everyday, a painting of a glamorous, beautiful, and happy person that i pretend to be. Each morning i must muster the strength to keep up this image which protects the broken distressed and depressed person within. How does this caged bird sing a happy song when disappointment and heartbreak are all it has ever known. No family support and two serious unhealed heartbreaks that must again convalesce each time i pass the right scene or hear the right song. My personal failures, my negative self image and the loneliness my god the lonliness are weighing my feet further into this black hole. My song would be a greatest hits album with no number one single. you see i dont have enough happy times to make an album barely enough to make one song. I have been innmy cage so long i forgot what freedom is like and i forgot the way out. God where are you i have been calling you for years now and i havent gotten so much as a text i fear that i am dfeeling my faith slip away. Im beginning to show signs of strain infact i think im about to crack under the pressure. Everytime i think i see daybreak i realize its just the glow of the headlights of a happy wealthy passerby driving past my shack of pain toward his mansion of happpiness. Where do i go from here? Somebody please wake me from this nightmare. Hold on help is on the way right, hold on to what? I feel like i was shoved off a transatlantic flight and now im in freefall right toward the deep blue sea of depression where i will drown cold and alone. So tell me how does the caged bird sing



The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
of things unknown but longed for still
and his tune is heard on the distant hill
for the caged bird sings of freedom.
-maya angelou

The Silver lining

You never really know how god is going to bless you. Some of the things that you chalk of to the work or Satan can be gods plan to bless you beyond measure. Sometimes i believe god has to set you up to receive your blessing. Have you ever been driving and realized that had you not left your id badge or your morning cup of joe that the accident on the expressway could have been you? Or that the daycare held you up just long enough to avoid being a hostage in the latest hold up lol. I belive that it was gods plan that i be infected so that i cant infect the world with knowledge. So i can save young men educate families and change the world. Some days i thank god for healing, healing you ask. MMM MMMM good my healing is like Campbell chicken noodle soup for the soul. Comfort peace and soothing reassurance that this too shall pass. Some days i thank good for sickness most days i thank him for the rain others times i ask him for undestanding and patience as i pray. Some trust in horses some trust in chariots but i will trust in the name of the lord FOR the name of the lord is a strong tower the righteous can run their race and they are safe! Its just when you want to give up hope and get tired of tryin right before you throw it all away, that you tear thru the padding and bull and you find what had been there all along...the silver lining just waiting to bless you on this, God's appointed day.

Gay Marrige Yes or No--A political take

Ok so the other day a close "friend" of mine posed a question "gay marriage yes or no?" of course given my sexual prerogative i said yes. He then told me that a preacher had asked "so what about bisexual people?". the response seems simple but when you begin to let it marinate, as it has for me all week, you begin to question your natural response. A gay marriage bill would protect the civil liberties of homosexual me and women all over the country. Lets analyze that idea. Civil liberty is an interesting subject. when you think about it you must ask yourself is it really possible to protect every persons civil liberties? The main argument is "i should be able to marry whomever i want". Now, back to the preachers argument, if one applies that to the seeming rational argument to the pro-gay marriage position you have a problem. If a bisexual person loves a man and a woman he/she should be able to marry both right? That is after all what the argument suggests. I, in response to the argument my friend brought up, said that's not rational nor is it right. Hmmmm but why? That is the argument of the opposition, its just not right. However in the quagmire that is politics what is right and what is wrong? What civilized and even most industrialized groups consider to right is the view of the majority. Majority vote is after all how we make laws right? So i ask, if you had been the person that the pastor had raised his argument against what would your response have been. but be careful not to get tangled up in your own opinion. It is common knowledge that in order to win a debate you must be firm in your position but educated on the opposition.

He Proposed - Kelly Price

ROAD WORK AHEAD

In my rearview i see a rough and curvy rough road, paved with pain and disappointment huge potholes created by the absence of validation and a convoluted self image.The series of unfortunate events i have come to call my life have come together to make the diamond that stands before you. For the pressure of an absent family life, my diagnosis, and broken heart have forged a rough path that will soon be paved with success and prosperity. The place where i stand today is the start line to the rest of my life. In the mix of jabber about cd4 counts viral loads reverse and protease inhibitors it is easy to become overwhelmed and lose your way. I have come to know that i serve a god that never puts more on us than we can bear and I'm doing just fine. Going forward i plan to finish up at wssu then on to med school for pharmacy. I have decided i want to learn more about the drugs that combat the virus. I see marriage off in the distance i dont know who he is just yet but ill know him for sure when i see him, he might be in my circle already*wink*. I want a nice house unbreakable bond and an overall sense of well being and security. i want trust and above all undying unconditional love all the way until the bittersweet end. My hope for my American dream was validated today when i talked briefly to a man who i had a lil crush on but now I look forward to just getting to know him on a friendly level. He talks so happily about his relationship it is evident how fulfilling it is by the glow that radiates from him each i i see him. I use his current place in life as a mile marker on the road to my manifesting destiny. My road to recovery is paved with the restoration of my self confidence and image. after you diagnosed the major thing of a vain persons mind is not looking sick, a pimple suddenly becomes a sign of sickness to no one but yourself. I am adjusting simply by reminding myself that I'm not sick i instead have a well maintained virus. My recovery is further dependent on the healing of my torn and tattered heart. A Major part of my recovery has been this blog, just sharing my story. It takes a lot to bare all to the world so i thank all of you in advance for not judging me or treating me differently. The major dilemma hen deciding to come out is who will want me, allow me to address those men who create that insecurity. We all come with baggage, it comes with the miles. My baggage is stamped with all the locations i have traveled and filled with tickets to where I'm going. I'm not where i wanna be but thank go I'm not where i used to be. I beautiful I'm smart and you know what I'M POSITIVE

Royalty - Byron Cage

When Love is Realized

Dear Diary,
This is written in the hopes that the man of my dreams will read it some day soon...
=>There is a person trapped inside of this shell i call an existence> from the moment i saw you i saw something. Something beyon the outter shell of the typical punks dream of a "homo thug". It would be so wrong for me to patronize you as i i dont have demons from the past that on occasion cloud my current perception of reality. It was not long ago that this cyrstal heart of mine was broken when someone that i trusted threw stones at the fragile walls of my semi precious heartSecond to one is the title of the chapter in my biography from which i draw my insecurities. i wont dwell on the past just use it as a stepping stone to my manifesting destiny. I love you. You are my dream am i in love with you tho? The only honest answer i can provide is YES on so many levels i simply hope that you this man of my childhood teenage and elderly dreams will be with me untill the bitter end. I dont want to leave you feeling some type of way i just want to give you all of me. I dont want there to be a single aspect of me that you are unfamilar with. Happily ever after just began to play and my imagination fast forwards to a the future our future together. In manhattain in charlotte winston or even the street corner in brooklyn the place doesnt matter as long as it is with you. After you looked me in my blank dazed eyes and gazed upon my pensive face and told me that you love me and only me my insecurties have just that quickly faded and been replaced by a warmth that now encompasses my soul and fills me so much that i runneth over. So from this day forward should i go of in "my own little world" im just running over. i love you baby and i aspire to be nothing more in this life when it comes to matter o the heart that to be you lover friend wife partner ace and any other word that in so many words suggests that every morning that i wake i am blessed and privilaged to gaze upon you beautiful face and utter the smallest three little words and the most significant eight letters "I Love You"
Monday, February 05, 2007 12:31:42 AM

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