For all the colors of the rainbow

How many times have we given our all to someone, only to get nothing in return?
How many times have we given our hearts away only to have it broken...again?
How many times have you trusted someone only to be betrayed, cheated on or disrespected?
Last night as i watched for colored girls i realized that the themes portrayed in that movie are not for colored girls or even for colored people...they are for the world. I realized that i had been struggling for years to find my stuff after this, that and HIM. I looked in my suitcase because i thought maybe i had lost it on a trip, i looked in my trash because i thought maybe i had thrown it out , i retraced my steps because i thought...maybe just maybe i had left it on the train. I have been searching for years for my stuff high and low here there and everywhere...everywhere except the last place that i knew i had it. I last saw my stuff while i was curled up in the arms of the man of distorted my dreams, as we lay and as we kissed and whispered sweet nothings in the eager ears of one another. It wasn't until recently when i hoped to pack my bags to find comfort in the arms of another that i even discovered that it was gone.
    At the doctor they found no pulse because my heart was gone, my temperature was low because nothing but embers remained of the passion that once burned within  ...she told me i was dead and i couldn't cry because the wells had run dry and my emotions had taken a vacation long before this solo heartbreaking conversation i was numb.
   But wait an epiphany, in an instant i knew where my stuff had gone it was last seen pinned to the coat tails of my lover lost as he snatched his heart from my grasp and shattered my world made of glass. his feet crunched on the shards that remained of what was once my life, in his departure  he took my heart my love... all of my stuff
MY STUFF
Looking back at the years i have lived in lack, the absence of my stuff. broken hearts lay strewn in my beaten path. i wonder if he knows he has it, i wonder ft he takes it out and smells for my scent when no one is looking. Or maybe he doesn't even know.... I guess ill never know
Does anyone have a heart,a touch of passion or maybe just some stuff lying around to sell?

Things We Lost in the Fire

Fire has always been representative of consumption, loss and damage. Fire can be spiritual, Emotional or literal. No matter what walk of life we have come from we have all lost something to fire. For some of us it was a relationship, for others it was faith but some of us lost a lot more. My fire was not literal, it was a blaze that was set by unbelief, left to smolder for years until one day God opened a window and i forgot to acknowledge it. You see when you are blind to origin of your "luck" when a window is opened anything can sneak in. The damage was extensive. First it was love then it was money then it was my material possessions. I almost lost my mind BUT GOD! Today even knowing that my fire was part of God's perfect plan the burns still linger. I did my best to stay inside of a world that was burning down all around me. Third degree burns over 70 percent of my body. Had i just headed the call of God none of this would have ever happened but i wanted to do me, funny thing is when God has a plan for your life there is no such thing as doing you. I had stopped praying and because of that my fire insurance lapsed. So here i stand in the ruins of what was my life. The ashes have long been washed away by the countless tears and all that remains is a firm foundation. I thank god for that foundation. Everyday as i get closer to his will i can see a wall go up step by step brick by brick and stone by stone. Before i know it i will find myself inside a mansion being careful to give god thanks for everything inside. What have you lost in your fire?

God, Love and Loving Who You Love

Do you ever just take time to thank God for the little things...today im thanking him for the BIG things that he has done. I have struggled with a situation for a long time and today i saw something in this person that let me know the struggle is OVER! This is mostly aimed at my readers who are same gender loving and make no apologies about it...so many people ask me my beliefs about God and who i love and my reply goes something like this...LOVE is of God is love and therefore love is of GOD. For those of you that know what it means to really love someone also know that no devil in hell could ever fake that. I don't believe that God would allow a deep scarring and indelible love to be shared between two people who may spend an eternity in the lake of fire behind it. How can something so real and so pure lead to a damned eternity? God has revealed so much to me and i have had some of the most incredible worship experiences since i admitted to myself and to god that i love me just where i am and i know that God does as well. have you ever been so deep in worship that it feels like you could fold in on yourself, almost like you spirit man was clawing at your flesh to escape and get closer to the awesomeness that is God? For those who choose to follow the will of man and like a life of conformity and dissatisfaction, more power to you but as for me i am a radical for Christ and i live a radical lifestyle safely in the will of the eternal God. My words do not go so far as to express my love for God. I have something that i want to say to one particular but i cant find the words so i wont...that person knows my heart and they know theirs too...I cant tell you how to live your life but always be true to you because deceitfulness was not is not nor will it ever be in the holy will. God bless you all and leave me your thoughts.

Cant find the words

I cant find the words to say it so i thought i might be able to write it
to whom it may concern,
Up until this point my life has been a series of unfortunate events, i thank my Savior because it truly believe that those days are over. At this point in my life i must venture off on a path of self discovery. I dont need anyone to carry me i can do it on my own but i do need someone to walk beside me in case i fall. You entered my life at a critical time i would call it a crossroad. I have been trying to make you understand for the last few months that no matter what i do love you but not in the way you would like me to. I view you as a family member or best-friend and sometimes i think you mistake my motives for something else. I see you in my future but i see us as the best of friends maybe bus. partners. I cant say what wont happen but i can say that my love for you is different than a relationship. I think that god placed me in your life to be your biggest fan and you in mine for the same purpose. I have tried to keep or interaction at a level so that it will not be mistaken for something else. You must understand that my whole life has been filled with people using me wanting to sleep with me or date me, i just dont understand why i cant just have one really good friend with no ulterior motive.

Have you ever just wanted to be average? i use to be, i was the dorky kid in grammar school the science nerd whos family couldnt afford the cool clothes. In middle school the white ppl loved me and i turned into a proper suburban boy who everyone thought was gay, to counteract that i kept a fly ass girlfriend. I lost myself when i reached high school. I decided that i couldnt hide who i was anymore and i came out to the world. Immediately i was popular and i surrounded myself with he greatest ppl i have ever known. From that day forward i was a chameleon, changing myself to match my environment. At this point the only thing i really know about myself is that i want to be somebody else. I want to be successful and powerful. Right now ive been tumbling in free fall so long i have forgotten which way is up. How do you climb out of your hole when you have nothing to grab on to. I lost my family, my job, my home, my car, my health and my sanity. God you have got to give some of it back. I feel like a failure. I cant find a job and without that nothin else will fall into line. I dont know this broke dude that i see in the mirror and im embarrassed to see him staring back at me, have you ever truly hated yourself. I portray and image of a collected beautiful person to hide the broken one who cowers behind his persona. Where do i go from here im tryin so hard to trust god but it is the most difficult thing i have ever done. Suicide skims across the recesses of my mind often but is quickly removed by sanity. Im stressed on so many levels and im jealous of others. The life of my dreams has not materialized and im starting to wonder if its ever going to.NURSE i need a morphine drip, im in so much pain. It seems like everything i do is wrong and im starting to wonder why i even try. I miss HIM and anyone who really knows me knows who and why, i havent stopped loving him ive just learned to live without him. I dont need a man to heal these wounds. I just need some me time.

If you cant follow this im sorry its just stream of consciousness.

VANITY: A DEADLY SIN

This may be the most vain post i ever write but i gonna tell the truth for those who are afraid to. Being pretty is a curse, dont get me wrong im grateful to be beautiful but just like anything else it come with consequence. When you build yourself on a pedestal it is hard to come back down amid rumors of falling off financial ruin or just plain laziness. Sometimes i just wish i could be average, the maintenance is breaking my pockets and the alienation is breaking my heart. When you are sexy pretty or a doll like you alienate yourself from others. some hate you b/c they are jealous others b/c they think you appear to be a bitch so "why bother". But the part that causes us the most strife is the constant question why are you single?

ODE TO MY PAST

(press play on Sia- Breathe Me b4 u start)

As i stand on the edge of life changing decision i bid a thankful goodbye to my past. I wave a painful goodbye to my silver spoon a thankful one to the hostility that i have carried around toward those who only wanted to help. I am so thankful for those who have stood by me thru these last few painful years. Thru the loss of the love of my life the painful disconnection from my family the loss o my job and realization that my delusion of grandeur was just that, a delusion. Most of all i thank those who have stood by me thru my diagnosis with HIV i want to say a special thank you to those friends that have come into my life as a result of that life changing news. This is so hard b/c i don't know how to walk away from my life, the friends i have known for years the home that i grew up in, my mother who loved the the hurt away and help me the quietly without judgment thru the hard times when she could. How do you move to a place where no one knows your name and start over, a place that you dont know how to navigate neither geographically nor socially. I sat and cried for three days asking god why...the loss of Zola almost sent me to the edge but god told me i wasn't asking for the right things. So i asked to release me from all of my vices set me free from my materialistic needs sever my ties with the familiar and empower to walk into the dark night knowing that he is taking me toward a bright new day. I got everything i asked for. So i stand on te edge of the rest of my life and im ready to dive in. I love you guys but i gotta go. Onward i say, away from sleepless night toward days filled wit smiles. I pray that love is on the way. Its been 2 years all alone and im ready for something new ive got a fresh canvas and this time i want the perfect man there to help me fill it with vibrant colors. To the friends who will make it thru this transition know that our relationship will never change and you better come see me just bring a jacket. Chicago here i come to shake the foundation and turn the city upside down cause that new new bitch is comin 2 town and i have plans 2 hang around for a while.

Breathe Me - Sia

HOW DOES THE CAGED BIRD SING?

how does the caged bird sing? how does it find the strength or the wind to part its beak and serenade the room when all it has ever known are the decorative bars that it finds itself surrounded by. i liken my life to that of the caged bird. My rock and my hard place have come to resemble the golden bars of its cage. My golden bars are the many formalities and the quagmire of bureaucracy that block my way. My golden bars shine and shimmer like the mask of contentment that i wear everyday, a painting of a glamorous, beautiful, and happy person that i pretend to be. Each morning i must muster the strength to keep up this image which protects the broken distressed and depressed person within. How does this caged bird sing a happy song when disappointment and heartbreak are all it has ever known. No family support and two serious unhealed heartbreaks that must again convalesce each time i pass the right scene or hear the right song. My personal failures, my negative self image and the loneliness my god the lonliness are weighing my feet further into this black hole. My song would be a greatest hits album with no number one single. you see i dont have enough happy times to make an album barely enough to make one song. I have been innmy cage so long i forgot what freedom is like and i forgot the way out. God where are you i have been calling you for years now and i havent gotten so much as a text i fear that i am dfeeling my faith slip away. Im beginning to show signs of strain infact i think im about to crack under the pressure. Everytime i think i see daybreak i realize its just the glow of the headlights of a happy wealthy passerby driving past my shack of pain toward his mansion of happpiness. Where do i go from here? Somebody please wake me from this nightmare. Hold on help is on the way right, hold on to what? I feel like i was shoved off a transatlantic flight and now im in freefall right toward the deep blue sea of depression where i will drown cold and alone. So tell me how does the caged bird sing



The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
of things unknown but longed for still
and his tune is heard on the distant hill
for the caged bird sings of freedom.
-maya angelou

The Silver lining

You never really know how god is going to bless you. Some of the things that you chalk of to the work or Satan can be gods plan to bless you beyond measure. Sometimes i believe god has to set you up to receive your blessing. Have you ever been driving and realized that had you not left your id badge or your morning cup of joe that the accident on the expressway could have been you? Or that the daycare held you up just long enough to avoid being a hostage in the latest hold up lol. I belive that it was gods plan that i be infected so that i cant infect the world with knowledge. So i can save young men educate families and change the world. Some days i thank god for healing, healing you ask. MMM MMMM good my healing is like Campbell chicken noodle soup for the soul. Comfort peace and soothing reassurance that this too shall pass. Some days i thank good for sickness most days i thank him for the rain others times i ask him for undestanding and patience as i pray. Some trust in horses some trust in chariots but i will trust in the name of the lord FOR the name of the lord is a strong tower the righteous can run their race and they are safe! Its just when you want to give up hope and get tired of tryin right before you throw it all away, that you tear thru the padding and bull and you find what had been there all along...the silver lining just waiting to bless you on this, God's appointed day.