Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Friday, October 15, 2010
Friday, March 19, 2010
Cant find the words
I cant find the words to say it so i thought i might be able to write it
to whom it may concern,
Up until this point my life has been a series of unfortunate events, i thank my Savior because it truly believe that those days are over. At this point in my life i must venture off on a path of self discovery. I dont need anyone to carry me i can do it on my own but i do need someone to walk beside me in case i fall. You entered my life at a critical time i would call it a crossroad. I have been trying to make you understand for the last few months that no matter what i do love you but not in the way you would like me to. I view you as a family member or best-friend and sometimes i think you mistake my motives for something else. I see you in my future but i see us as the best of friends maybe bus. partners. I cant say what wont happen but i can say that my love for you is different than a relationship. I think that god placed me in your life to be your biggest fan and you in mine for the same purpose. I have tried to keep or interaction at a level so that it will not be mistaken for something else. You must understand that my whole life has been filled with people using me wanting to sleep with me or date me, i just dont understand why i cant just have one really good friend with no ulterior motive.
Have you ever just wanted to be average? i use to be, i was the dorky kid in grammar school the science nerd whos family couldnt afford the cool clothes. In middle school the white ppl loved me and i turned into a proper suburban boy who everyone thought was gay, to counteract that i kept a fly ass girlfriend. I lost myself when i reached high school. I decided that i couldnt hide who i was anymore and i came out to the world. Immediately i was popular and i surrounded myself with he greatest ppl i have ever known. From that day forward i was a chameleon, changing myself to match my environment. At this point the only thing i really know about myself is that i want to be somebody else. I want to be successful and powerful. Right now ive been tumbling in free fall so long i have forgotten which way is up. How do you climb out of your hole when you have nothing to grab on to. I lost my family, my job, my home, my car, my health and my sanity. God you have got to give some of it back. I feel like a failure. I cant find a job and without that nothin else will fall into line. I dont know this broke dude that i see in the mirror and im embarrassed to see him staring back at me, have you ever truly hated yourself. I portray and image of a collected beautiful person to hide the broken one who cowers behind his persona. Where do i go from here im tryin so hard to trust god but it is the most difficult thing i have ever done. Suicide skims across the recesses of my mind often but is quickly removed by sanity. Im stressed on so many levels and im jealous of others. The life of my dreams has not materialized and im starting to wonder if its ever going to.NURSE i need a morphine drip, im in so much pain. It seems like everything i do is wrong and im starting to wonder why i even try. I miss HIM and anyone who really knows me knows who and why, i havent stopped loving him ive just learned to live without him. I dont need a man to heal these wounds. I just need some me time.
If you cant follow this im sorry its just stream of consciousness.
to whom it may concern,
Up until this point my life has been a series of unfortunate events, i thank my Savior because it truly believe that those days are over. At this point in my life i must venture off on a path of self discovery. I dont need anyone to carry me i can do it on my own but i do need someone to walk beside me in case i fall. You entered my life at a critical time i would call it a crossroad. I have been trying to make you understand for the last few months that no matter what i do love you but not in the way you would like me to. I view you as a family member or best-friend and sometimes i think you mistake my motives for something else. I see you in my future but i see us as the best of friends maybe bus. partners. I cant say what wont happen but i can say that my love for you is different than a relationship. I think that god placed me in your life to be your biggest fan and you in mine for the same purpose. I have tried to keep or interaction at a level so that it will not be mistaken for something else. You must understand that my whole life has been filled with people using me wanting to sleep with me or date me, i just dont understand why i cant just have one really good friend with no ulterior motive.
Have you ever just wanted to be average? i use to be, i was the dorky kid in grammar school the science nerd whos family couldnt afford the cool clothes. In middle school the white ppl loved me and i turned into a proper suburban boy who everyone thought was gay, to counteract that i kept a fly ass girlfriend. I lost myself when i reached high school. I decided that i couldnt hide who i was anymore and i came out to the world. Immediately i was popular and i surrounded myself with he greatest ppl i have ever known. From that day forward i was a chameleon, changing myself to match my environment. At this point the only thing i really know about myself is that i want to be somebody else. I want to be successful and powerful. Right now ive been tumbling in free fall so long i have forgotten which way is up. How do you climb out of your hole when you have nothing to grab on to. I lost my family, my job, my home, my car, my health and my sanity. God you have got to give some of it back. I feel like a failure. I cant find a job and without that nothin else will fall into line. I dont know this broke dude that i see in the mirror and im embarrassed to see him staring back at me, have you ever truly hated yourself. I portray and image of a collected beautiful person to hide the broken one who cowers behind his persona. Where do i go from here im tryin so hard to trust god but it is the most difficult thing i have ever done. Suicide skims across the recesses of my mind often but is quickly removed by sanity. Im stressed on so many levels and im jealous of others. The life of my dreams has not materialized and im starting to wonder if its ever going to.NURSE i need a morphine drip, im in so much pain. It seems like everything i do is wrong and im starting to wonder why i even try. I miss HIM and anyone who really knows me knows who and why, i havent stopped loving him ive just learned to live without him. I dont need a man to heal these wounds. I just need some me time.
If you cant follow this im sorry its just stream of consciousness.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
ODE TO MY PAST
(press play on Sia- Breathe Me b4 u start)
As i stand on the edge of life changing decision i bid a thankful goodbye to my past. I wave a painful goodbye to my silver spoon a thankful one to the hostility that i have carried around toward those who only wanted to help. I am so thankful for those who have stood by me thru these last few painful years. Thru the loss of the love of my life the painful disconnection from my family the loss o my job and realization that my delusion of grandeur was just that, a delusion. Most of all i thank those who have stood by me thru my diagnosis with HIV i want to say a special thank you to those friends that have come into my life as a result of that life changing news. This is so hard b/c i don't know how to walk away from my life, the friends i have known for years the home that i grew up in, my mother who loved the the hurt away and help me the quietly without judgment thru the hard times when she could. How do you move to a place where no one knows your name and start over, a place that you dont know how to navigate neither geographically nor socially. I sat and cried for three days asking god why...the loss of Zola almost sent me to the edge but god told me i wasn't asking for the right things. So i asked to release me from all of my vices set me free from my materialistic needs sever my ties with the familiar and empower to walk into the dark night knowing that he is taking me toward a bright new day. I got everything i asked for. So i stand on te edge of the rest of my life and im ready to dive in. I love you guys but i gotta go. Onward i say, away from sleepless night toward days filled wit smiles. I pray that love is on the way. Its been 2 years all alone and im ready for something new ive got a fresh canvas and this time i want the perfect man there to help me fill it with vibrant colors. To the friends who will make it thru this transition know that our relationship will never change and you better come see me just bring a jacket. Chicago here i come to shake the foundation and turn the city upside down cause that new new bitch is comin 2 town and i have plans 2 hang around for a while.
Breathe Me - Sia
As i stand on the edge of life changing decision i bid a thankful goodbye to my past. I wave a painful goodbye to my silver spoon a thankful one to the hostility that i have carried around toward those who only wanted to help. I am so thankful for those who have stood by me thru these last few painful years. Thru the loss of the love of my life the painful disconnection from my family the loss o my job and realization that my delusion of grandeur was just that, a delusion. Most of all i thank those who have stood by me thru my diagnosis with HIV i want to say a special thank you to those friends that have come into my life as a result of that life changing news. This is so hard b/c i don't know how to walk away from my life, the friends i have known for years the home that i grew up in, my mother who loved the the hurt away and help me the quietly without judgment thru the hard times when she could. How do you move to a place where no one knows your name and start over, a place that you dont know how to navigate neither geographically nor socially. I sat and cried for three days asking god why...the loss of Zola almost sent me to the edge but god told me i wasn't asking for the right things. So i asked to release me from all of my vices set me free from my materialistic needs sever my ties with the familiar and empower to walk into the dark night knowing that he is taking me toward a bright new day. I got everything i asked for. So i stand on te edge of the rest of my life and im ready to dive in. I love you guys but i gotta go. Onward i say, away from sleepless night toward days filled wit smiles. I pray that love is on the way. Its been 2 years all alone and im ready for something new ive got a fresh canvas and this time i want the perfect man there to help me fill it with vibrant colors. To the friends who will make it thru this transition know that our relationship will never change and you better come see me just bring a jacket. Chicago here i come to shake the foundation and turn the city upside down cause that new new bitch is comin 2 town and i have plans 2 hang around for a while.
Breathe Me - Sia
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
The Silver lining
You never really know how god is going to bless you. Some of the things that you chalk of to the work or Satan can be gods plan to bless you beyond measure. Sometimes i believe god has to set you up to receive your blessing. Have you ever been driving and realized that had you not left your id badge or your morning cup of joe that the accident on the expressway could have been you? Or that the daycare held you up just long enough to avoid being a hostage in the latest hold up lol. I belive that it was gods plan that i be infected so that i cant infect the world with knowledge. So i can save young men educate families and change the world. Some days i thank god for healing, healing you ask. MMM MMMM good my healing is like Campbell chicken noodle soup for the soul. Comfort peace and soothing reassurance that this too shall pass. Some days i thank good for sickness most days i thank him for the rain others times i ask him for undestanding and patience as i pray. Some trust in horses some trust in chariots but i will trust in the name of the lord FOR the name of the lord is a strong tower the righteous can run their race and they are safe! Its just when you want to give up hope and get tired of tryin right before you throw it all away, that you tear thru the padding and bull and you find what had been there all along...the silver lining just waiting to bless you on this, God's appointed day.
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