More on the Black Church

Things We Lost in the Fire

Fire has always been representative of consumption, loss and damage. Fire can be spiritual, Emotional or literal. No matter what walk of life we have come from we have all lost something to fire. For some of us it was a relationship, for others it was faith but some of us lost a lot more. My fire was not literal, it was a blaze that was set by unbelief, left to smolder for years until one day God opened a window and i forgot to acknowledge it. You see when you are blind to origin of your "luck" when a window is opened anything can sneak in. The damage was extensive. First it was love then it was money then it was my material possessions. I almost lost my mind BUT GOD! Today even knowing that my fire was part of God's perfect plan the burns still linger. I did my best to stay inside of a world that was burning down all around me. Third degree burns over 70 percent of my body. Had i just headed the call of God none of this would have ever happened but i wanted to do me, funny thing is when God has a plan for your life there is no such thing as doing you. I had stopped praying and because of that my fire insurance lapsed. So here i stand in the ruins of what was my life. The ashes have long been washed away by the countless tears and all that remains is a firm foundation. I thank god for that foundation. Everyday as i get closer to his will i can see a wall go up step by step brick by brick and stone by stone. Before i know it i will find myself inside a mansion being careful to give god thanks for everything inside. What have you lost in your fire?

Wounded

Why dont you love me? I have no idea why i even as the question anymore, because i know that you do. Why cant we be together, im not sure why i ask because i know the answer. Why are you a prisoner to your religion? You left me alone and damaged you broke my heart and i have spent the last 3 years trying to make sense out of my despair. My chest was ripped open and my heart was stolen to be used in your sadistic plot for domination. you cant have your cake and eat it too. I dont understand why you cant just be who you are. Why do i have to suffer because you struggle with God. Every night i pray that you will see the truth. Why do you tell me that you love me every time we talk? Have you ever looked at the moon and wondered if i was looking at it too? Have you ever been watching a show that we used to watch together and wondered if i was watching it too? Do you ever ask God to deliver a message to me in my dreams. I have. I say all of this to say that i love you and i forgive you for all of the bull, and the pain and if you ask me im ready. The other night i heard a song "i dont believe we were put together not to be together" are the first words, and in our case it is so true. We were standing up against all odds and trusting and believing in the miracle of love when we met. Everyone hated our union but we persevered through it all only to be cut down in our prime by your foolish pride. Some days im ok others im sad and some days im just mad as hell and i just wanted you to know. Some people need time to heal but others, like me...we just need someone to love the hurt away. My only question is if you won do it then who will, no who can?

The law of confession

These are my confessions. I am a bitch, im mean and cold hearted. For those who dont know me you will probably never understand what has lead tot his point in my life. I remember when my heart broke, the day someone shatter my world into a million pieces that no bottle of Krazy Glue could ever repair. i remember the day my parents looked at me like they didn't know me. I remember the day i lost everything i owned. There have been so many times my heart has been broken and im just trying to pick up the pieces of what used to be my life.I found my faith in the midst of my struggle i connected to the only wise god and the greatest pastor on this side of heaven. It was at that church that I saw my future, it was there that i remembered what hope was and what is was like to imagine my future. I know im wasting my potential but its hard to use it when you cant find a job or when your torn between two cities. At this point in my life i have forgotten about the man who almost took me out, im not sad about being single im sad because im stagnant and i cant seem to get moving. How do you start to rebuild your life in the middle of a recession. How do you like when you feel like everyone around you is tolerating you instead of celebrating you, I dont want to feel like i owe anyone anything anymore.I just want to free and independent. I want a place where my head can be clear so that i can find myself not where im always in spiritual warfare. the soul cannot heal if it is always fighting. Lord i need you to enlarge my territory because im getting claustrophobic.

VANITY: A DEADLY SIN

This may be the most vain post i ever write but i gonna tell the truth for those who are afraid to. Being pretty is a curse, dont get me wrong im grateful to be beautiful but just like anything else it come with consequence. When you build yourself on a pedestal it is hard to come back down amid rumors of falling off financial ruin or just plain laziness. Sometimes i just wish i could be average, the maintenance is breaking my pockets and the alienation is breaking my heart. When you are sexy pretty or a doll like you alienate yourself from others. some hate you b/c they are jealous others b/c they think you appear to be a bitch so "why bother". But the part that causes us the most strife is the constant question why are you single?

This is an old piece I just came across

originally written June 24 2008

what i can i say its one of those days when you dont know whether to cry or rejoice you kno that conditional happiness. Its like everything will be peachy when, or just as soon or (worst of all) after. could it be that im being a damn fool or do i really love this man. am i blinded by riches or smitten by a fire that now burns deep within my soul o that man. o the warmth he brings me the smile he places so gently on my face but the cold that remains in his wake... so on those dark nights wha am i to do who can i run to? i dont want anyone else i let the feelings for man i have wanted for years fall to the wayside the night he proclaimed his love. but o the pain waiting for this to die this blockage that places a hold on us this damn in our raging river of passion. so do i drop anchor here or turn around a seek somethin new but why would i do that? i have invested so much time emotion. 2 days ago i realized that my love for ***** had died only to realize that my love for he who shall not be named had grown from an ember into an ever-growing blaze. but i have been down this road before i kno it very well so i kno i should avoid it b/c its full of sharp turns pot holes and last time i remember travailing this path the bridge to happiness was out. CRASH went my heart my love and life in to a deep black abyss but i digress. i have chosen to trust this man i have to ask if someone would go to so much trouble to keep me when im not puttin out and clearly he doesnt need me truth be told i need him more than he needs me. trust is such an elusive thing when it comes to me i trust no one and have no faith in things unseen outside of the holy realm. my motto is show me b/c i have come to learn if i dont see it its not there. o the joy that fills my heart when i think of all that we could be, the envy of the gay lifestyle, a model for the up and coming the Barack and Michelle of the ballroom scene, polished, he a double o me a **** us the couple to be reconed with a house on the hill a little puppy and love that transcends understanding. o the possibilities. i love him. i Love him i cant believe i can say it and mean it and like it im getting teary i should stop but for some reason my hands my heart my soul cant say enough to describe how i feel right now i dont know who this letter is destined for but its open to all to explore the convoluted mind of a wife destroyed, a lady damaged and a woman scorned who is slowly but surely falling in love

HOW DOES THE CAGED BIRD SING?

how does the caged bird sing? how does it find the strength or the wind to part its beak and serenade the room when all it has ever known are the decorative bars that it finds itself surrounded by. i liken my life to that of the caged bird. My rock and my hard place have come to resemble the golden bars of its cage. My golden bars are the many formalities and the quagmire of bureaucracy that block my way. My golden bars shine and shimmer like the mask of contentment that i wear everyday, a painting of a glamorous, beautiful, and happy person that i pretend to be. Each morning i must muster the strength to keep up this image which protects the broken distressed and depressed person within. How does this caged bird sing a happy song when disappointment and heartbreak are all it has ever known. No family support and two serious unhealed heartbreaks that must again convalesce each time i pass the right scene or hear the right song. My personal failures, my negative self image and the loneliness my god the lonliness are weighing my feet further into this black hole. My song would be a greatest hits album with no number one single. you see i dont have enough happy times to make an album barely enough to make one song. I have been innmy cage so long i forgot what freedom is like and i forgot the way out. God where are you i have been calling you for years now and i havent gotten so much as a text i fear that i am dfeeling my faith slip away. Im beginning to show signs of strain infact i think im about to crack under the pressure. Everytime i think i see daybreak i realize its just the glow of the headlights of a happy wealthy passerby driving past my shack of pain toward his mansion of happpiness. Where do i go from here? Somebody please wake me from this nightmare. Hold on help is on the way right, hold on to what? I feel like i was shoved off a transatlantic flight and now im in freefall right toward the deep blue sea of depression where i will drown cold and alone. So tell me how does the caged bird sing



The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
of things unknown but longed for still
and his tune is heard on the distant hill
for the caged bird sings of freedom.
-maya angelou