For all the colors of the rainbow

How many times have we given our all to someone, only to get nothing in return?
How many times have we given our hearts away only to have it broken...again?
How many times have you trusted someone only to be betrayed, cheated on or disrespected?
Last night as i watched for colored girls i realized that the themes portrayed in that movie are not for colored girls or even for colored people...they are for the world. I realized that i had been struggling for years to find my stuff after this, that and HIM. I looked in my suitcase because i thought maybe i had lost it on a trip, i looked in my trash because i thought maybe i had thrown it out , i retraced my steps because i thought...maybe just maybe i had left it on the train. I have been searching for years for my stuff high and low here there and everywhere...everywhere except the last place that i knew i had it. I last saw my stuff while i was curled up in the arms of the man of distorted my dreams, as we lay and as we kissed and whispered sweet nothings in the eager ears of one another. It wasn't until recently when i hoped to pack my bags to find comfort in the arms of another that i even discovered that it was gone.
    At the doctor they found no pulse because my heart was gone, my temperature was low because nothing but embers remained of the passion that once burned within  ...she told me i was dead and i couldn't cry because the wells had run dry and my emotions had taken a vacation long before this solo heartbreaking conversation i was numb.
   But wait an epiphany, in an instant i knew where my stuff had gone it was last seen pinned to the coat tails of my lover lost as he snatched his heart from my grasp and shattered my world made of glass. his feet crunched on the shards that remained of what was once my life, in his departure  he took my heart my love... all of my stuff
MY STUFF
Looking back at the years i have lived in lack, the absence of my stuff. broken hearts lay strewn in my beaten path. i wonder if he knows he has it, i wonder ft he takes it out and smells for my scent when no one is looking. Or maybe he doesn't even know.... I guess ill never know
Does anyone have a heart,a touch of passion or maybe just some stuff lying around to sell?

When the lights go down

What have i become? I used to be so sweet and innocent, so caring and giving. Now i fear that im becoming a cold and heartless person that i dont know. I am reminded of the tin man, the difference is i used to know what it was like to fall in love and feel happy or sad. But these days it feels like im mad at the world. I often talk about an old heart break that never healed. Im sooooo over that but i think that my way of coping has been disabling that which makes a person a person...my ability to feel. What would i do if i could feel? Well for starters i would mend many broken relationships that were destroyed by my short temper and general disregard for the feelings of others. I know that someday i want to fall madly in love but where am i going to find enough strength to again hand over my fragile heart and hope for the best? The "what if" factor is what keeps me from letting anyone in, after all i have been thru i just dont want to get hurt again. I need a man who is strong enough and brave enough to love away the pain, one who is strong enough to carry me thru the hard parts of our journey together and most of all love me like i do just for being who i really am....what i seek is a soul mate. But in this day age when people want to move so swiftly like they do in the movies...where is the man that will love me in slow motion...i guess i am in the minority. I need to be surrounded by people who i can trust and people who love me. Until that day i guess ill just be a frigid bitch who is sad lonely and circling an emotional drowning in a pool of endless suffering, sadness and loneliness. This is the face that you will never see on the streets, on video or in pictures...this is whats left when the paint and clothes come off....when the lights go down.

Things We Lost in the Fire

Fire has always been representative of consumption, loss and damage. Fire can be spiritual, Emotional or literal. No matter what walk of life we have come from we have all lost something to fire. For some of us it was a relationship, for others it was faith but some of us lost a lot more. My fire was not literal, it was a blaze that was set by unbelief, left to smolder for years until one day God opened a window and i forgot to acknowledge it. You see when you are blind to origin of your "luck" when a window is opened anything can sneak in. The damage was extensive. First it was love then it was money then it was my material possessions. I almost lost my mind BUT GOD! Today even knowing that my fire was part of God's perfect plan the burns still linger. I did my best to stay inside of a world that was burning down all around me. Third degree burns over 70 percent of my body. Had i just headed the call of God none of this would have ever happened but i wanted to do me, funny thing is when God has a plan for your life there is no such thing as doing you. I had stopped praying and because of that my fire insurance lapsed. So here i stand in the ruins of what was my life. The ashes have long been washed away by the countless tears and all that remains is a firm foundation. I thank god for that foundation. Everyday as i get closer to his will i can see a wall go up step by step brick by brick and stone by stone. Before i know it i will find myself inside a mansion being careful to give god thanks for everything inside. What have you lost in your fire?

God, Love and Loving Who You Love

Do you ever just take time to thank God for the little things...today im thanking him for the BIG things that he has done. I have struggled with a situation for a long time and today i saw something in this person that let me know the struggle is OVER! This is mostly aimed at my readers who are same gender loving and make no apologies about it...so many people ask me my beliefs about God and who i love and my reply goes something like this...LOVE is of God is love and therefore love is of GOD. For those of you that know what it means to really love someone also know that no devil in hell could ever fake that. I don't believe that God would allow a deep scarring and indelible love to be shared between two people who may spend an eternity in the lake of fire behind it. How can something so real and so pure lead to a damned eternity? God has revealed so much to me and i have had some of the most incredible worship experiences since i admitted to myself and to god that i love me just where i am and i know that God does as well. have you ever been so deep in worship that it feels like you could fold in on yourself, almost like you spirit man was clawing at your flesh to escape and get closer to the awesomeness that is God? For those who choose to follow the will of man and like a life of conformity and dissatisfaction, more power to you but as for me i am a radical for Christ and i live a radical lifestyle safely in the will of the eternal God. My words do not go so far as to express my love for God. I have something that i want to say to one particular but i cant find the words so i wont...that person knows my heart and they know theirs too...I cant tell you how to live your life but always be true to you because deceitfulness was not is not nor will it ever be in the holy will. God bless you all and leave me your thoughts.

Wounded

Why dont you love me? I have no idea why i even as the question anymore, because i know that you do. Why cant we be together, im not sure why i ask because i know the answer. Why are you a prisoner to your religion? You left me alone and damaged you broke my heart and i have spent the last 3 years trying to make sense out of my despair. My chest was ripped open and my heart was stolen to be used in your sadistic plot for domination. you cant have your cake and eat it too. I dont understand why you cant just be who you are. Why do i have to suffer because you struggle with God. Every night i pray that you will see the truth. Why do you tell me that you love me every time we talk? Have you ever looked at the moon and wondered if i was looking at it too? Have you ever been watching a show that we used to watch together and wondered if i was watching it too? Do you ever ask God to deliver a message to me in my dreams. I have. I say all of this to say that i love you and i forgive you for all of the bull, and the pain and if you ask me im ready. The other night i heard a song "i dont believe we were put together not to be together" are the first words, and in our case it is so true. We were standing up against all odds and trusting and believing in the miracle of love when we met. Everyone hated our union but we persevered through it all only to be cut down in our prime by your foolish pride. Some days im ok others im sad and some days im just mad as hell and i just wanted you to know. Some people need time to heal but others, like me...we just need someone to love the hurt away. My only question is if you won do it then who will, no who can?

The library of hearts

this is just a silly piece that popped into my head juss wanted to blog a lil of it

The day i saw the first man i wanted to be with it never occured to me that i had checked my first book out of the library of hearts. A thick chocolate leather bound new age work book of fiction one with many chapters twists and turns. He was one of those books that is not recommended for children. I should have read the blurb. Several chapters in i realized that the syntax was too complicated and the concepts were too mature so with a solemn despair i gently closed the book and placed it back on the shelf for the next patron. My next selection was a tall beautifully bound book that looked to be around 230 or so pages. I snatched it from the shelf just as another hand reached up for it and cracked the cover with foolish anticipation. This was a work of romantic fiction about two lovers who found each other on a winters day and were inseparable from that moment. The book was complex enough to challenge me but easy enough for me to fall in love with every sentence and hang on every word. But as all good romances do this one had a twist one so severe it broke my heart and left me tears as i slammed its cover and fought the urge to scatter the pages about the floor. I hate the library of hearts big books tall book shorts books and skinny book. Drama, science-fiction, romance, childrens and so many more to choose from. Since i left my last book laying in the aisle i have searched high and low for the non fiction/ autobiographical section to no avail. Over the years i have passed many study nooks and witnessed others happily enjoying their selection. where is my page turner the book that if judged by the cover would relfect the genius within. Is there a filing system maybe an index that could direct me in the right direction because i am overwhelmed by the millions of books some off limits some reserved and mistakenly placed back on the shelf. Others are missing pages or have long lost prequels that are no longer available. I think i could be rich if i made cliff notes for the selections in the library of hearts.