When the lights go down

What have i become? I used to be so sweet and innocent, so caring and giving. Now i fear that im becoming a cold and heartless person that i dont know. I am reminded of the tin man, the difference is i used to know what it was like to fall in love and feel happy or sad. But these days it feels like im mad at the world. I often talk about an old heart break that never healed. Im sooooo over that but i think that my way of coping has been disabling that which makes a person a person...my ability to feel. What would i do if i could feel? Well for starters i would mend many broken relationships that were destroyed by my short temper and general disregard for the feelings of others. I know that someday i want to fall madly in love but where am i going to find enough strength to again hand over my fragile heart and hope for the best? The "what if" factor is what keeps me from letting anyone in, after all i have been thru i just dont want to get hurt again. I need a man who is strong enough and brave enough to love away the pain, one who is strong enough to carry me thru the hard parts of our journey together and most of all love me like i do just for being who i really am....what i seek is a soul mate. But in this day age when people want to move so swiftly like they do in the movies...where is the man that will love me in slow motion...i guess i am in the minority. I need to be surrounded by people who i can trust and people who love me. Until that day i guess ill just be a frigid bitch who is sad lonely and circling an emotional drowning in a pool of endless suffering, sadness and loneliness. This is the face that you will never see on the streets, on video or in pictures...this is whats left when the paint and clothes come off....when the lights go down.

Things We Lost in the Fire

Fire has always been representative of consumption, loss and damage. Fire can be spiritual, Emotional or literal. No matter what walk of life we have come from we have all lost something to fire. For some of us it was a relationship, for others it was faith but some of us lost a lot more. My fire was not literal, it was a blaze that was set by unbelief, left to smolder for years until one day God opened a window and i forgot to acknowledge it. You see when you are blind to origin of your "luck" when a window is opened anything can sneak in. The damage was extensive. First it was love then it was money then it was my material possessions. I almost lost my mind BUT GOD! Today even knowing that my fire was part of God's perfect plan the burns still linger. I did my best to stay inside of a world that was burning down all around me. Third degree burns over 70 percent of my body. Had i just headed the call of God none of this would have ever happened but i wanted to do me, funny thing is when God has a plan for your life there is no such thing as doing you. I had stopped praying and because of that my fire insurance lapsed. So here i stand in the ruins of what was my life. The ashes have long been washed away by the countless tears and all that remains is a firm foundation. I thank god for that foundation. Everyday as i get closer to his will i can see a wall go up step by step brick by brick and stone by stone. Before i know it i will find myself inside a mansion being careful to give god thanks for everything inside. What have you lost in your fire?

Wounded

Why dont you love me? I have no idea why i even as the question anymore, because i know that you do. Why cant we be together, im not sure why i ask because i know the answer. Why are you a prisoner to your religion? You left me alone and damaged you broke my heart and i have spent the last 3 years trying to make sense out of my despair. My chest was ripped open and my heart was stolen to be used in your sadistic plot for domination. you cant have your cake and eat it too. I dont understand why you cant just be who you are. Why do i have to suffer because you struggle with God. Every night i pray that you will see the truth. Why do you tell me that you love me every time we talk? Have you ever looked at the moon and wondered if i was looking at it too? Have you ever been watching a show that we used to watch together and wondered if i was watching it too? Do you ever ask God to deliver a message to me in my dreams. I have. I say all of this to say that i love you and i forgive you for all of the bull, and the pain and if you ask me im ready. The other night i heard a song "i dont believe we were put together not to be together" are the first words, and in our case it is so true. We were standing up against all odds and trusting and believing in the miracle of love when we met. Everyone hated our union but we persevered through it all only to be cut down in our prime by your foolish pride. Some days im ok others im sad and some days im just mad as hell and i just wanted you to know. Some people need time to heal but others, like me...we just need someone to love the hurt away. My only question is if you won do it then who will, no who can?

VANITY: A DEADLY SIN

This may be the most vain post i ever write but i gonna tell the truth for those who are afraid to. Being pretty is a curse, dont get me wrong im grateful to be beautiful but just like anything else it come with consequence. When you build yourself on a pedestal it is hard to come back down amid rumors of falling off financial ruin or just plain laziness. Sometimes i just wish i could be average, the maintenance is breaking my pockets and the alienation is breaking my heart. When you are sexy pretty or a doll like you alienate yourself from others. some hate you b/c they are jealous others b/c they think you appear to be a bitch so "why bother". But the part that causes us the most strife is the constant question why are you single?

I WANT A REFUND

Can someone in the dept of gays please direct me to customer service
b/c it seems 2 me that these nigga aint worth shit
the fags snd queens a bitch just cant take
and the next one that pops of at the mouth
is gonna cause me to catch a case
all these "serahims" are flyin around cryin holier than thou
and the rest of these queens are singin i shall wear a crown
everyones Dl discreet or down
im im standin here lookin like im coming out
im sick of the rumors the talkin and the shade
so lady juss give me back the money i paid
the blood sweat tears and time i invested
to look so good that the kids cant digest it
a waste of time
a waste of energy
but not this isnt for the world its just between u and me
i hate being gay only b/c i dnt want to be associated
i need a name
a title
or some better nomenclature
so heres my receipt
my id and what ever else you may need
now lady, can i just have my money back please?