When the lights go down

What have i become? I used to be so sweet and innocent, so caring and giving. Now i fear that im becoming a cold and heartless person that i dont know. I am reminded of the tin man, the difference is i used to know what it was like to fall in love and feel happy or sad. But these days it feels like im mad at the world. I often talk about an old heart break that never healed. Im sooooo over that but i think that my way of coping has been disabling that which makes a person a person...my ability to feel. What would i do if i could feel? Well for starters i would mend many broken relationships that were destroyed by my short temper and general disregard for the feelings of others. I know that someday i want to fall madly in love but where am i going to find enough strength to again hand over my fragile heart and hope for the best? The "what if" factor is what keeps me from letting anyone in, after all i have been thru i just dont want to get hurt again. I need a man who is strong enough and brave enough to love away the pain, one who is strong enough to carry me thru the hard parts of our journey together and most of all love me like i do just for being who i really am....what i seek is a soul mate. But in this day age when people want to move so swiftly like they do in the movies...where is the man that will love me in slow motion...i guess i am in the minority. I need to be surrounded by people who i can trust and people who love me. Until that day i guess ill just be a frigid bitch who is sad lonely and circling an emotional drowning in a pool of endless suffering, sadness and loneliness. This is the face that you will never see on the streets, on video or in pictures...this is whats left when the paint and clothes come off....when the lights go down.

Things We Lost in the Fire

Fire has always been representative of consumption, loss and damage. Fire can be spiritual, Emotional or literal. No matter what walk of life we have come from we have all lost something to fire. For some of us it was a relationship, for others it was faith but some of us lost a lot more. My fire was not literal, it was a blaze that was set by unbelief, left to smolder for years until one day God opened a window and i forgot to acknowledge it. You see when you are blind to origin of your "luck" when a window is opened anything can sneak in. The damage was extensive. First it was love then it was money then it was my material possessions. I almost lost my mind BUT GOD! Today even knowing that my fire was part of God's perfect plan the burns still linger. I did my best to stay inside of a world that was burning down all around me. Third degree burns over 70 percent of my body. Had i just headed the call of God none of this would have ever happened but i wanted to do me, funny thing is when God has a plan for your life there is no such thing as doing you. I had stopped praying and because of that my fire insurance lapsed. So here i stand in the ruins of what was my life. The ashes have long been washed away by the countless tears and all that remains is a firm foundation. I thank god for that foundation. Everyday as i get closer to his will i can see a wall go up step by step brick by brick and stone by stone. Before i know it i will find myself inside a mansion being careful to give god thanks for everything inside. What have you lost in your fire?

God, Love and Loving Who You Love

Do you ever just take time to thank God for the little things...today im thanking him for the BIG things that he has done. I have struggled with a situation for a long time and today i saw something in this person that let me know the struggle is OVER! This is mostly aimed at my readers who are same gender loving and make no apologies about it...so many people ask me my beliefs about God and who i love and my reply goes something like this...LOVE is of God is love and therefore love is of GOD. For those of you that know what it means to really love someone also know that no devil in hell could ever fake that. I don't believe that God would allow a deep scarring and indelible love to be shared between two people who may spend an eternity in the lake of fire behind it. How can something so real and so pure lead to a damned eternity? God has revealed so much to me and i have had some of the most incredible worship experiences since i admitted to myself and to god that i love me just where i am and i know that God does as well. have you ever been so deep in worship that it feels like you could fold in on yourself, almost like you spirit man was clawing at your flesh to escape and get closer to the awesomeness that is God? For those who choose to follow the will of man and like a life of conformity and dissatisfaction, more power to you but as for me i am a radical for Christ and i live a radical lifestyle safely in the will of the eternal God. My words do not go so far as to express my love for God. I have something that i want to say to one particular but i cant find the words so i wont...that person knows my heart and they know theirs too...I cant tell you how to live your life but always be true to you because deceitfulness was not is not nor will it ever be in the holy will. God bless you all and leave me your thoughts.

The law of confession

These are my confessions. I am a bitch, im mean and cold hearted. For those who dont know me you will probably never understand what has lead tot his point in my life. I remember when my heart broke, the day someone shatter my world into a million pieces that no bottle of Krazy Glue could ever repair. i remember the day my parents looked at me like they didn't know me. I remember the day i lost everything i owned. There have been so many times my heart has been broken and im just trying to pick up the pieces of what used to be my life.I found my faith in the midst of my struggle i connected to the only wise god and the greatest pastor on this side of heaven. It was at that church that I saw my future, it was there that i remembered what hope was and what is was like to imagine my future. I know im wasting my potential but its hard to use it when you cant find a job or when your torn between two cities. At this point in my life i have forgotten about the man who almost took me out, im not sad about being single im sad because im stagnant and i cant seem to get moving. How do you start to rebuild your life in the middle of a recession. How do you like when you feel like everyone around you is tolerating you instead of celebrating you, I dont want to feel like i owe anyone anything anymore.I just want to free and independent. I want a place where my head can be clear so that i can find myself not where im always in spiritual warfare. the soul cannot heal if it is always fighting. Lord i need you to enlarge my territory because im getting claustrophobic.