For all the colors of the rainbow

How many times have we given our all to someone, only to get nothing in return?
How many times have we given our hearts away only to have it broken...again?
How many times have you trusted someone only to be betrayed, cheated on or disrespected?
Last night as i watched for colored girls i realized that the themes portrayed in that movie are not for colored girls or even for colored people...they are for the world. I realized that i had been struggling for years to find my stuff after this, that and HIM. I looked in my suitcase because i thought maybe i had lost it on a trip, i looked in my trash because i thought maybe i had thrown it out , i retraced my steps because i thought...maybe just maybe i had left it on the train. I have been searching for years for my stuff high and low here there and everywhere...everywhere except the last place that i knew i had it. I last saw my stuff while i was curled up in the arms of the man of distorted my dreams, as we lay and as we kissed and whispered sweet nothings in the eager ears of one another. It wasn't until recently when i hoped to pack my bags to find comfort in the arms of another that i even discovered that it was gone.
    At the doctor they found no pulse because my heart was gone, my temperature was low because nothing but embers remained of the passion that once burned within  ...she told me i was dead and i couldn't cry because the wells had run dry and my emotions had taken a vacation long before this solo heartbreaking conversation i was numb.
   But wait an epiphany, in an instant i knew where my stuff had gone it was last seen pinned to the coat tails of my lover lost as he snatched his heart from my grasp and shattered my world made of glass. his feet crunched on the shards that remained of what was once my life, in his departure  he took my heart my love... all of my stuff
MY STUFF
Looking back at the years i have lived in lack, the absence of my stuff. broken hearts lay strewn in my beaten path. i wonder if he knows he has it, i wonder ft he takes it out and smells for my scent when no one is looking. Or maybe he doesn't even know.... I guess ill never know
Does anyone have a heart,a touch of passion or maybe just some stuff lying around to sell?

When the lights go down

What have i become? I used to be so sweet and innocent, so caring and giving. Now i fear that im becoming a cold and heartless person that i dont know. I am reminded of the tin man, the difference is i used to know what it was like to fall in love and feel happy or sad. But these days it feels like im mad at the world. I often talk about an old heart break that never healed. Im sooooo over that but i think that my way of coping has been disabling that which makes a person a person...my ability to feel. What would i do if i could feel? Well for starters i would mend many broken relationships that were destroyed by my short temper and general disregard for the feelings of others. I know that someday i want to fall madly in love but where am i going to find enough strength to again hand over my fragile heart and hope for the best? The "what if" factor is what keeps me from letting anyone in, after all i have been thru i just dont want to get hurt again. I need a man who is strong enough and brave enough to love away the pain, one who is strong enough to carry me thru the hard parts of our journey together and most of all love me like i do just for being who i really am....what i seek is a soul mate. But in this day age when people want to move so swiftly like they do in the movies...where is the man that will love me in slow motion...i guess i am in the minority. I need to be surrounded by people who i can trust and people who love me. Until that day i guess ill just be a frigid bitch who is sad lonely and circling an emotional drowning in a pool of endless suffering, sadness and loneliness. This is the face that you will never see on the streets, on video or in pictures...this is whats left when the paint and clothes come off....when the lights go down.

Wounded

Why dont you love me? I have no idea why i even as the question anymore, because i know that you do. Why cant we be together, im not sure why i ask because i know the answer. Why are you a prisoner to your religion? You left me alone and damaged you broke my heart and i have spent the last 3 years trying to make sense out of my despair. My chest was ripped open and my heart was stolen to be used in your sadistic plot for domination. you cant have your cake and eat it too. I dont understand why you cant just be who you are. Why do i have to suffer because you struggle with God. Every night i pray that you will see the truth. Why do you tell me that you love me every time we talk? Have you ever looked at the moon and wondered if i was looking at it too? Have you ever been watching a show that we used to watch together and wondered if i was watching it too? Do you ever ask God to deliver a message to me in my dreams. I have. I say all of this to say that i love you and i forgive you for all of the bull, and the pain and if you ask me im ready. The other night i heard a song "i dont believe we were put together not to be together" are the first words, and in our case it is so true. We were standing up against all odds and trusting and believing in the miracle of love when we met. Everyone hated our union but we persevered through it all only to be cut down in our prime by your foolish pride. Some days im ok others im sad and some days im just mad as hell and i just wanted you to know. Some people need time to heal but others, like me...we just need someone to love the hurt away. My only question is if you won do it then who will, no who can?

Cant find the words

I cant find the words to say it so i thought i might be able to write it
to whom it may concern,
Up until this point my life has been a series of unfortunate events, i thank my Savior because it truly believe that those days are over. At this point in my life i must venture off on a path of self discovery. I dont need anyone to carry me i can do it on my own but i do need someone to walk beside me in case i fall. You entered my life at a critical time i would call it a crossroad. I have been trying to make you understand for the last few months that no matter what i do love you but not in the way you would like me to. I view you as a family member or best-friend and sometimes i think you mistake my motives for something else. I see you in my future but i see us as the best of friends maybe bus. partners. I cant say what wont happen but i can say that my love for you is different than a relationship. I think that god placed me in your life to be your biggest fan and you in mine for the same purpose. I have tried to keep or interaction at a level so that it will not be mistaken for something else. You must understand that my whole life has been filled with people using me wanting to sleep with me or date me, i just dont understand why i cant just have one really good friend with no ulterior motive.

Have you ever just wanted to be average? i use to be, i was the dorky kid in grammar school the science nerd whos family couldnt afford the cool clothes. In middle school the white ppl loved me and i turned into a proper suburban boy who everyone thought was gay, to counteract that i kept a fly ass girlfriend. I lost myself when i reached high school. I decided that i couldnt hide who i was anymore and i came out to the world. Immediately i was popular and i surrounded myself with he greatest ppl i have ever known. From that day forward i was a chameleon, changing myself to match my environment. At this point the only thing i really know about myself is that i want to be somebody else. I want to be successful and powerful. Right now ive been tumbling in free fall so long i have forgotten which way is up. How do you climb out of your hole when you have nothing to grab on to. I lost my family, my job, my home, my car, my health and my sanity. God you have got to give some of it back. I feel like a failure. I cant find a job and without that nothin else will fall into line. I dont know this broke dude that i see in the mirror and im embarrassed to see him staring back at me, have you ever truly hated yourself. I portray and image of a collected beautiful person to hide the broken one who cowers behind his persona. Where do i go from here im tryin so hard to trust god but it is the most difficult thing i have ever done. Suicide skims across the recesses of my mind often but is quickly removed by sanity. Im stressed on so many levels and im jealous of others. The life of my dreams has not materialized and im starting to wonder if its ever going to.NURSE i need a morphine drip, im in so much pain. It seems like everything i do is wrong and im starting to wonder why i even try. I miss HIM and anyone who really knows me knows who and why, i havent stopped loving him ive just learned to live without him. I dont need a man to heal these wounds. I just need some me time.

If you cant follow this im sorry its just stream of consciousness.

WHY ME?

So im done with love until it finds me and it feels right. I thought that friendship would amount to be and altogether less painful experience, i was wrong. It has occurred to me that no one cares about how i feel. In any relationship that i find myself in i always end up with the short end of the stick. There are the ones who betray me, the ones who be little me and others who use me as their personal punching bag. I wonder if bishops sermon fell on deaf ears. my heart is so heavy all i want is a tru friend but everyone is so busy either tryin 2 sleep with me or be bitter b/c they cant that it seems like a distant dream. Why cant we just be friends, why does everything have to carry a sarcastic undertone or a condescending motive. I wish ppl would understand that the things that you say hurt, i may not show it but they do. Things that you say are funny until im always the but of the joke. Im tired of being laughed at and having pie thrown in my face in front of total strangers. Why does makin me look stupid make u feel better about yourself. Im so confused in one sentence you care for me but in the next you remind me how useless i am. So what is the use? What have i done? Its not fair sometime i hope ill be rich someday so i can buy some huge house and shut myself up in it where i cant hurt anyone else since everything i do is wrong or shady or bitchy. im wondering why im even writing this b/c someone will swear im being shady but its either express myself of cry, and im all cried out. And if by chance you should find that this post is about you answer on question WHY ME, im a specail person im sesitive tho i dont show it, im a bitch towards u most of the time b/c you spend most of the day making me feel like les of a person and the shit hurts.

VANITY: A DEADLY SIN

This may be the most vain post i ever write but i gonna tell the truth for those who are afraid to. Being pretty is a curse, dont get me wrong im grateful to be beautiful but just like anything else it come with consequence. When you build yourself on a pedestal it is hard to come back down amid rumors of falling off financial ruin or just plain laziness. Sometimes i just wish i could be average, the maintenance is breaking my pockets and the alienation is breaking my heart. When you are sexy pretty or a doll like you alienate yourself from others. some hate you b/c they are jealous others b/c they think you appear to be a bitch so "why bother". But the part that causes us the most strife is the constant question why are you single?