When the lights go down

What have i become? I used to be so sweet and innocent, so caring and giving. Now i fear that im becoming a cold and heartless person that i dont know. I am reminded of the tin man, the difference is i used to know what it was like to fall in love and feel happy or sad. But these days it feels like im mad at the world. I often talk about an old heart break that never healed. Im sooooo over that but i think that my way of coping has been disabling that which makes a person a person...my ability to feel. What would i do if i could feel? Well for starters i would mend many broken relationships that were destroyed by my short temper and general disregard for the feelings of others. I know that someday i want to fall madly in love but where am i going to find enough strength to again hand over my fragile heart and hope for the best? The "what if" factor is what keeps me from letting anyone in, after all i have been thru i just dont want to get hurt again. I need a man who is strong enough and brave enough to love away the pain, one who is strong enough to carry me thru the hard parts of our journey together and most of all love me like i do just for being who i really am....what i seek is a soul mate. But in this day age when people want to move so swiftly like they do in the movies...where is the man that will love me in slow motion...i guess i am in the minority. I need to be surrounded by people who i can trust and people who love me. Until that day i guess ill just be a frigid bitch who is sad lonely and circling an emotional drowning in a pool of endless suffering, sadness and loneliness. This is the face that you will never see on the streets, on video or in pictures...this is whats left when the paint and clothes come off....when the lights go down.

Cant find the words

I cant find the words to say it so i thought i might be able to write it
to whom it may concern,
Up until this point my life has been a series of unfortunate events, i thank my Savior because it truly believe that those days are over. At this point in my life i must venture off on a path of self discovery. I dont need anyone to carry me i can do it on my own but i do need someone to walk beside me in case i fall. You entered my life at a critical time i would call it a crossroad. I have been trying to make you understand for the last few months that no matter what i do love you but not in the way you would like me to. I view you as a family member or best-friend and sometimes i think you mistake my motives for something else. I see you in my future but i see us as the best of friends maybe bus. partners. I cant say what wont happen but i can say that my love for you is different than a relationship. I think that god placed me in your life to be your biggest fan and you in mine for the same purpose. I have tried to keep or interaction at a level so that it will not be mistaken for something else. You must understand that my whole life has been filled with people using me wanting to sleep with me or date me, i just dont understand why i cant just have one really good friend with no ulterior motive.

Have you ever just wanted to be average? i use to be, i was the dorky kid in grammar school the science nerd whos family couldnt afford the cool clothes. In middle school the white ppl loved me and i turned into a proper suburban boy who everyone thought was gay, to counteract that i kept a fly ass girlfriend. I lost myself when i reached high school. I decided that i couldnt hide who i was anymore and i came out to the world. Immediately i was popular and i surrounded myself with he greatest ppl i have ever known. From that day forward i was a chameleon, changing myself to match my environment. At this point the only thing i really know about myself is that i want to be somebody else. I want to be successful and powerful. Right now ive been tumbling in free fall so long i have forgotten which way is up. How do you climb out of your hole when you have nothing to grab on to. I lost my family, my job, my home, my car, my health and my sanity. God you have got to give some of it back. I feel like a failure. I cant find a job and without that nothin else will fall into line. I dont know this broke dude that i see in the mirror and im embarrassed to see him staring back at me, have you ever truly hated yourself. I portray and image of a collected beautiful person to hide the broken one who cowers behind his persona. Where do i go from here im tryin so hard to trust god but it is the most difficult thing i have ever done. Suicide skims across the recesses of my mind often but is quickly removed by sanity. Im stressed on so many levels and im jealous of others. The life of my dreams has not materialized and im starting to wonder if its ever going to.NURSE i need a morphine drip, im in so much pain. It seems like everything i do is wrong and im starting to wonder why i even try. I miss HIM and anyone who really knows me knows who and why, i havent stopped loving him ive just learned to live without him. I dont need a man to heal these wounds. I just need some me time.

If you cant follow this im sorry its just stream of consciousness.

VANITY: A DEADLY SIN

This may be the most vain post i ever write but i gonna tell the truth for those who are afraid to. Being pretty is a curse, dont get me wrong im grateful to be beautiful but just like anything else it come with consequence. When you build yourself on a pedestal it is hard to come back down amid rumors of falling off financial ruin or just plain laziness. Sometimes i just wish i could be average, the maintenance is breaking my pockets and the alienation is breaking my heart. When you are sexy pretty or a doll like you alienate yourself from others. some hate you b/c they are jealous others b/c they think you appear to be a bitch so "why bother". But the part that causes us the most strife is the constant question why are you single?

The library of hearts

this is just a silly piece that popped into my head juss wanted to blog a lil of it

The day i saw the first man i wanted to be with it never occured to me that i had checked my first book out of the library of hearts. A thick chocolate leather bound new age work book of fiction one with many chapters twists and turns. He was one of those books that is not recommended for children. I should have read the blurb. Several chapters in i realized that the syntax was too complicated and the concepts were too mature so with a solemn despair i gently closed the book and placed it back on the shelf for the next patron. My next selection was a tall beautifully bound book that looked to be around 230 or so pages. I snatched it from the shelf just as another hand reached up for it and cracked the cover with foolish anticipation. This was a work of romantic fiction about two lovers who found each other on a winters day and were inseparable from that moment. The book was complex enough to challenge me but easy enough for me to fall in love with every sentence and hang on every word. But as all good romances do this one had a twist one so severe it broke my heart and left me tears as i slammed its cover and fought the urge to scatter the pages about the floor. I hate the library of hearts big books tall book shorts books and skinny book. Drama, science-fiction, romance, childrens and so many more to choose from. Since i left my last book laying in the aisle i have searched high and low for the non fiction/ autobiographical section to no avail. Over the years i have passed many study nooks and witnessed others happily enjoying their selection. where is my page turner the book that if judged by the cover would relfect the genius within. Is there a filing system maybe an index that could direct me in the right direction because i am overwhelmed by the millions of books some off limits some reserved and mistakenly placed back on the shelf. Others are missing pages or have long lost prequels that are no longer available. I think i could be rich if i made cliff notes for the selections in the library of hearts.

The Transformation

The time is right im gonna pack my bags and take that journey up the road because over the mountains i see the bright sun shining and i believe ill find my happiness inside the glow. I dont know waht else to do in this blog but be real. The pain that i feel a daily basis is enough to warrant a morphine drip to the soul. My whole life i have just wanted to be sucessful and get away from this city. I love the people that surround me but it is important to understand i can no longer live here. I want to go somewhere far away from the pain away from my parents. This is my one chance to hit the reset button. I have torn my soul to pieces looking for that extra ounce of strength to press that damn button for years and i found it. If that means i leave zola behind thats just another layer that i shed with this move. Some may say im am running away from my problems but the truth is i am going to a place where i can shine where i have people who love me unconditionally and are willing to shelter me untill i can again stand on my own. I have never blogged this and its because prior to last monday i didnt mean it but here goes... i hate my parents from the depths of my soul they have left me broken and disillusioned with the future. While i am grateful for them giving me life i will move change my name and never return. It has occured to me that it is time to live my life for me and only me with no regrets. I will shoot for the moon and even if i fall i will land among the stars. Too many tears have been shed to many dreams have been shattered. The time has arrived. As my tears run out and my cheeks slowly dry to the mac matte finish that the world has grown accustomed to, my self confidence grows and i stand a little taller and when i finally stand tall enough to see over my mountain i will be blinded by the prosperity that god has in store for me.



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