Things We Lost in the Fire

Fire has always been representative of consumption, loss and damage. Fire can be spiritual, Emotional or literal. No matter what walk of life we have come from we have all lost something to fire. For some of us it was a relationship, for others it was faith but some of us lost a lot more. My fire was not literal, it was a blaze that was set by unbelief, left to smolder for years until one day God opened a window and i forgot to acknowledge it. You see when you are blind to origin of your "luck" when a window is opened anything can sneak in. The damage was extensive. First it was love then it was money then it was my material possessions. I almost lost my mind BUT GOD! Today even knowing that my fire was part of God's perfect plan the burns still linger. I did my best to stay inside of a world that was burning down all around me. Third degree burns over 70 percent of my body. Had i just headed the call of God none of this would have ever happened but i wanted to do me, funny thing is when God has a plan for your life there is no such thing as doing you. I had stopped praying and because of that my fire insurance lapsed. So here i stand in the ruins of what was my life. The ashes have long been washed away by the countless tears and all that remains is a firm foundation. I thank god for that foundation. Everyday as i get closer to his will i can see a wall go up step by step brick by brick and stone by stone. Before i know it i will find myself inside a mansion being careful to give god thanks for everything inside. What have you lost in your fire?

God, Love and Loving Who You Love

Do you ever just take time to thank God for the little things...today im thanking him for the BIG things that he has done. I have struggled with a situation for a long time and today i saw something in this person that let me know the struggle is OVER! This is mostly aimed at my readers who are same gender loving and make no apologies about it...so many people ask me my beliefs about God and who i love and my reply goes something like this...LOVE is of God is love and therefore love is of GOD. For those of you that know what it means to really love someone also know that no devil in hell could ever fake that. I don't believe that God would allow a deep scarring and indelible love to be shared between two people who may spend an eternity in the lake of fire behind it. How can something so real and so pure lead to a damned eternity? God has revealed so much to me and i have had some of the most incredible worship experiences since i admitted to myself and to god that i love me just where i am and i know that God does as well. have you ever been so deep in worship that it feels like you could fold in on yourself, almost like you spirit man was clawing at your flesh to escape and get closer to the awesomeness that is God? For those who choose to follow the will of man and like a life of conformity and dissatisfaction, more power to you but as for me i am a radical for Christ and i live a radical lifestyle safely in the will of the eternal God. My words do not go so far as to express my love for God. I have something that i want to say to one particular but i cant find the words so i wont...that person knows my heart and they know theirs too...I cant tell you how to live your life but always be true to you because deceitfulness was not is not nor will it ever be in the holy will. God bless you all and leave me your thoughts.

ODE TO MY PAST

(press play on Sia- Breathe Me b4 u start)

As i stand on the edge of life changing decision i bid a thankful goodbye to my past. I wave a painful goodbye to my silver spoon a thankful one to the hostility that i have carried around toward those who only wanted to help. I am so thankful for those who have stood by me thru these last few painful years. Thru the loss of the love of my life the painful disconnection from my family the loss o my job and realization that my delusion of grandeur was just that, a delusion. Most of all i thank those who have stood by me thru my diagnosis with HIV i want to say a special thank you to those friends that have come into my life as a result of that life changing news. This is so hard b/c i don't know how to walk away from my life, the friends i have known for years the home that i grew up in, my mother who loved the the hurt away and help me the quietly without judgment thru the hard times when she could. How do you move to a place where no one knows your name and start over, a place that you dont know how to navigate neither geographically nor socially. I sat and cried for three days asking god why...the loss of Zola almost sent me to the edge but god told me i wasn't asking for the right things. So i asked to release me from all of my vices set me free from my materialistic needs sever my ties with the familiar and empower to walk into the dark night knowing that he is taking me toward a bright new day. I got everything i asked for. So i stand on te edge of the rest of my life and im ready to dive in. I love you guys but i gotta go. Onward i say, away from sleepless night toward days filled wit smiles. I pray that love is on the way. Its been 2 years all alone and im ready for something new ive got a fresh canvas and this time i want the perfect man there to help me fill it with vibrant colors. To the friends who will make it thru this transition know that our relationship will never change and you better come see me just bring a jacket. Chicago here i come to shake the foundation and turn the city upside down cause that new new bitch is comin 2 town and i have plans 2 hang around for a while.

Breathe Me - Sia

The Transformation

The time is right im gonna pack my bags and take that journey up the road because over the mountains i see the bright sun shining and i believe ill find my happiness inside the glow. I dont know waht else to do in this blog but be real. The pain that i feel a daily basis is enough to warrant a morphine drip to the soul. My whole life i have just wanted to be sucessful and get away from this city. I love the people that surround me but it is important to understand i can no longer live here. I want to go somewhere far away from the pain away from my parents. This is my one chance to hit the reset button. I have torn my soul to pieces looking for that extra ounce of strength to press that damn button for years and i found it. If that means i leave zola behind thats just another layer that i shed with this move. Some may say im am running away from my problems but the truth is i am going to a place where i can shine where i have people who love me unconditionally and are willing to shelter me untill i can again stand on my own. I have never blogged this and its because prior to last monday i didnt mean it but here goes... i hate my parents from the depths of my soul they have left me broken and disillusioned with the future. While i am grateful for them giving me life i will move change my name and never return. It has occured to me that it is time to live my life for me and only me with no regrets. I will shoot for the moon and even if i fall i will land among the stars. Too many tears have been shed to many dreams have been shattered. The time has arrived. As my tears run out and my cheeks slowly dry to the mac matte finish that the world has grown accustomed to, my self confidence grows and i stand a little taller and when i finally stand tall enough to see over my mountain i will be blinded by the prosperity that god has in store for me.



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Now playing: India Aire - Beautiful
via FoxyTunes

The Silver lining

You never really know how god is going to bless you. Some of the things that you chalk of to the work or Satan can be gods plan to bless you beyond measure. Sometimes i believe god has to set you up to receive your blessing. Have you ever been driving and realized that had you not left your id badge or your morning cup of joe that the accident on the expressway could have been you? Or that the daycare held you up just long enough to avoid being a hostage in the latest hold up lol. I belive that it was gods plan that i be infected so that i cant infect the world with knowledge. So i can save young men educate families and change the world. Some days i thank god for healing, healing you ask. MMM MMMM good my healing is like Campbell chicken noodle soup for the soul. Comfort peace and soothing reassurance that this too shall pass. Some days i thank good for sickness most days i thank him for the rain others times i ask him for undestanding and patience as i pray. Some trust in horses some trust in chariots but i will trust in the name of the lord FOR the name of the lord is a strong tower the righteous can run their race and they are safe! Its just when you want to give up hope and get tired of tryin right before you throw it all away, that you tear thru the padding and bull and you find what had been there all along...the silver lining just waiting to bless you on this, God's appointed day.