When the lights go down

What have i become? I used to be so sweet and innocent, so caring and giving. Now i fear that im becoming a cold and heartless person that i dont know. I am reminded of the tin man, the difference is i used to know what it was like to fall in love and feel happy or sad. But these days it feels like im mad at the world. I often talk about an old heart break that never healed. Im sooooo over that but i think that my way of coping has been disabling that which makes a person a person...my ability to feel. What would i do if i could feel? Well for starters i would mend many broken relationships that were destroyed by my short temper and general disregard for the feelings of others. I know that someday i want to fall madly in love but where am i going to find enough strength to again hand over my fragile heart and hope for the best? The "what if" factor is what keeps me from letting anyone in, after all i have been thru i just dont want to get hurt again. I need a man who is strong enough and brave enough to love away the pain, one who is strong enough to carry me thru the hard parts of our journey together and most of all love me like i do just for being who i really am....what i seek is a soul mate. But in this day age when people want to move so swiftly like they do in the movies...where is the man that will love me in slow motion...i guess i am in the minority. I need to be surrounded by people who i can trust and people who love me. Until that day i guess ill just be a frigid bitch who is sad lonely and circling an emotional drowning in a pool of endless suffering, sadness and loneliness. This is the face that you will never see on the streets, on video or in pictures...this is whats left when the paint and clothes come off....when the lights go down.

More on the Black Church

God, Love and Loving Who You Love

Do you ever just take time to thank God for the little things...today im thanking him for the BIG things that he has done. I have struggled with a situation for a long time and today i saw something in this person that let me know the struggle is OVER! This is mostly aimed at my readers who are same gender loving and make no apologies about it...so many people ask me my beliefs about God and who i love and my reply goes something like this...LOVE is of God is love and therefore love is of GOD. For those of you that know what it means to really love someone also know that no devil in hell could ever fake that. I don't believe that God would allow a deep scarring and indelible love to be shared between two people who may spend an eternity in the lake of fire behind it. How can something so real and so pure lead to a damned eternity? God has revealed so much to me and i have had some of the most incredible worship experiences since i admitted to myself and to god that i love me just where i am and i know that God does as well. have you ever been so deep in worship that it feels like you could fold in on yourself, almost like you spirit man was clawing at your flesh to escape and get closer to the awesomeness that is God? For those who choose to follow the will of man and like a life of conformity and dissatisfaction, more power to you but as for me i am a radical for Christ and i live a radical lifestyle safely in the will of the eternal God. My words do not go so far as to express my love for God. I have something that i want to say to one particular but i cant find the words so i wont...that person knows my heart and they know theirs too...I cant tell you how to live your life but always be true to you because deceitfulness was not is not nor will it ever be in the holy will. God bless you all and leave me your thoughts.

WHY ME?

So im done with love until it finds me and it feels right. I thought that friendship would amount to be and altogether less painful experience, i was wrong. It has occurred to me that no one cares about how i feel. In any relationship that i find myself in i always end up with the short end of the stick. There are the ones who betray me, the ones who be little me and others who use me as their personal punching bag. I wonder if bishops sermon fell on deaf ears. my heart is so heavy all i want is a tru friend but everyone is so busy either tryin 2 sleep with me or be bitter b/c they cant that it seems like a distant dream. Why cant we just be friends, why does everything have to carry a sarcastic undertone or a condescending motive. I wish ppl would understand that the things that you say hurt, i may not show it but they do. Things that you say are funny until im always the but of the joke. Im tired of being laughed at and having pie thrown in my face in front of total strangers. Why does makin me look stupid make u feel better about yourself. Im so confused in one sentence you care for me but in the next you remind me how useless i am. So what is the use? What have i done? Its not fair sometime i hope ill be rich someday so i can buy some huge house and shut myself up in it where i cant hurt anyone else since everything i do is wrong or shady or bitchy. im wondering why im even writing this b/c someone will swear im being shady but its either express myself of cry, and im all cried out. And if by chance you should find that this post is about you answer on question WHY ME, im a specail person im sesitive tho i dont show it, im a bitch towards u most of the time b/c you spend most of the day making me feel like les of a person and the shit hurts.