HEARTLESS

We have all given our heart to someone, whether it was a friend who you confided in the mother who bore you the father who raised you or the people who love you. Many of these people will forever have a small peice of you heart and hold it dear and care for it like the percious item that it is. There has for many ,and will for others, come a day when a special person will come into your life who you dont have to love and that person will sweep you off your feet and check out whats left of your heart, blend with your soul and shower you with love. This blog isnt about the happy times its about what happens after the happiness is gone. You almost want to call the police and tell them that there is a jewel thief running free. The one problem with your report would be that you gave your heart away and now that the bond is gone you want it back. ITS NOT FAIR you say and as it hits you you must cry,eat,or sleep the pain away all the while knowing that there is a huge hole in your chest where your heart used to be. You find another you think could be right and just as you let down the wall you remember theres nothing there but an empty space. Why do people run away with our most precious possession why cant they just give us the closure we need to move on. What happens when your mind says you want to love again but there is no heart agree. I have met so many people who were once blessed with hearts of solid gold who have been robbed and left with sterling silver, I have seen hearts glass revealing all "hidden" within smashed and taped back together and finally my heart was diamond encrusted masterpiece, STOLEN never to be seen again. If he would just give it back i might be able to open up. Guys want me to tell them what my heart says and i always say i dont kno and really dont, i dont have one. So before i go i want to make a plea just tell me you dont love tell me you dont want me and that we can never be and magically my one of a kind pump will return to its rightful place and make me the loving warm person i once was. Where do broken hearts go? i dnt kno somebody stole mine but if i ever ill be sure to let you guys know!

HOW DOES THE CAGED BIRD SING?

how does the caged bird sing? how does it find the strength or the wind to part its beak and serenade the room when all it has ever known are the decorative bars that it finds itself surrounded by. i liken my life to that of the caged bird. My rock and my hard place have come to resemble the golden bars of its cage. My golden bars are the many formalities and the quagmire of bureaucracy that block my way. My golden bars shine and shimmer like the mask of contentment that i wear everyday, a painting of a glamorous, beautiful, and happy person that i pretend to be. Each morning i must muster the strength to keep up this image which protects the broken distressed and depressed person within. How does this caged bird sing a happy song when disappointment and heartbreak are all it has ever known. No family support and two serious unhealed heartbreaks that must again convalesce each time i pass the right scene or hear the right song. My personal failures, my negative self image and the loneliness my god the lonliness are weighing my feet further into this black hole. My song would be a greatest hits album with no number one single. you see i dont have enough happy times to make an album barely enough to make one song. I have been innmy cage so long i forgot what freedom is like and i forgot the way out. God where are you i have been calling you for years now and i havent gotten so much as a text i fear that i am dfeeling my faith slip away. Im beginning to show signs of strain infact i think im about to crack under the pressure. Everytime i think i see daybreak i realize its just the glow of the headlights of a happy wealthy passerby driving past my shack of pain toward his mansion of happpiness. Where do i go from here? Somebody please wake me from this nightmare. Hold on help is on the way right, hold on to what? I feel like i was shoved off a transatlantic flight and now im in freefall right toward the deep blue sea of depression where i will drown cold and alone. So tell me how does the caged bird sing



The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
of things unknown but longed for still
and his tune is heard on the distant hill
for the caged bird sings of freedom.
-maya angelou

THE BOTTOM OF A BOTTOMLESS PIT

day to day it takes all of my strength to hold me head high in spite of all of the pain that i hide deep inside most days i just want to leave this world one way or another. im almost tempted to stop taking all of my meds and just let myself drift away. In november i lost my job and in turn lost my world my home gone my lifestyle gone every inkling of security that allowed me to sleep soundly at night and dream dreams of happiness is gone. I feel like a paper bag blowing in the wind no way to steer no control over my direction. My mother is my biggest source of stress she simply does not care about me i guess she want me to be homeless and go live in a shelter. Its looking like im gonna lose my car the last thing that ties me to reality if that goes away im not sure where ill end up. i really think i might in a place where suicide would be a viable escape clause. I just want it all to end all of the pressures of life i just want them to drift away whether it happens by a life turn or by a self inflicted eternal slumber. I have no one who wants to support me nto one who wants to help me out of my rut. When this is all over and i get on my feet i honestly want to move so far away and only call on thanksgiving and christmas every other year. Its bad when the way your family, who should be your support system, treats you so badly that you just want to forget who they are. In my delecate position i would think if no one else would hold my hand my family would at least try, they have not even attempted to do that. I hope that my life turns and door begin to open. at this point my return to WSSU which i have so looked forward to is anything but definite. Somebody please save me from myself.........

One Last Breath - Creed