This is an old piece I just came across

originally written June 24 2008

what i can i say its one of those days when you dont know whether to cry or rejoice you kno that conditional happiness. Its like everything will be peachy when, or just as soon or (worst of all) after. could it be that im being a damn fool or do i really love this man. am i blinded by riches or smitten by a fire that now burns deep within my soul o that man. o the warmth he brings me the smile he places so gently on my face but the cold that remains in his wake... so on those dark nights wha am i to do who can i run to? i dont want anyone else i let the feelings for man i have wanted for years fall to the wayside the night he proclaimed his love. but o the pain waiting for this to die this blockage that places a hold on us this damn in our raging river of passion. so do i drop anchor here or turn around a seek somethin new but why would i do that? i have invested so much time emotion. 2 days ago i realized that my love for ***** had died only to realize that my love for he who shall not be named had grown from an ember into an ever-growing blaze. but i have been down this road before i kno it very well so i kno i should avoid it b/c its full of sharp turns pot holes and last time i remember travailing this path the bridge to happiness was out. CRASH went my heart my love and life in to a deep black abyss but i digress. i have chosen to trust this man i have to ask if someone would go to so much trouble to keep me when im not puttin out and clearly he doesnt need me truth be told i need him more than he needs me. trust is such an elusive thing when it comes to me i trust no one and have no faith in things unseen outside of the holy realm. my motto is show me b/c i have come to learn if i dont see it its not there. o the joy that fills my heart when i think of all that we could be, the envy of the gay lifestyle, a model for the up and coming the Barack and Michelle of the ballroom scene, polished, he a double o me a **** us the couple to be reconed with a house on the hill a little puppy and love that transcends understanding. o the possibilities. i love him. i Love him i cant believe i can say it and mean it and like it im getting teary i should stop but for some reason my hands my heart my soul cant say enough to describe how i feel right now i dont know who this letter is destined for but its open to all to explore the convoluted mind of a wife destroyed, a lady damaged and a woman scorned who is slowly but surely falling in love

ROAD WORK AHEAD

In my rearview i see a rough and curvy rough road, paved with pain and disappointment huge potholes created by the absence of validation and a convoluted self image.The series of unfortunate events i have come to call my life have come together to make the diamond that stands before you. For the pressure of an absent family life, my diagnosis, and broken heart have forged a rough path that will soon be paved with success and prosperity. The place where i stand today is the start line to the rest of my life. In the mix of jabber about cd4 counts viral loads reverse and protease inhibitors it is easy to become overwhelmed and lose your way. I have come to know that i serve a god that never puts more on us than we can bear and I'm doing just fine. Going forward i plan to finish up at wssu then on to med school for pharmacy. I have decided i want to learn more about the drugs that combat the virus. I see marriage off in the distance i dont know who he is just yet but ill know him for sure when i see him, he might be in my circle already*wink*. I want a nice house unbreakable bond and an overall sense of well being and security. i want trust and above all undying unconditional love all the way until the bittersweet end. My hope for my American dream was validated today when i talked briefly to a man who i had a lil crush on but now I look forward to just getting to know him on a friendly level. He talks so happily about his relationship it is evident how fulfilling it is by the glow that radiates from him each i i see him. I use his current place in life as a mile marker on the road to my manifesting destiny. My road to recovery is paved with the restoration of my self confidence and image. after you diagnosed the major thing of a vain persons mind is not looking sick, a pimple suddenly becomes a sign of sickness to no one but yourself. I am adjusting simply by reminding myself that I'm not sick i instead have a well maintained virus. My recovery is further dependent on the healing of my torn and tattered heart. A Major part of my recovery has been this blog, just sharing my story. It takes a lot to bare all to the world so i thank all of you in advance for not judging me or treating me differently. The major dilemma hen deciding to come out is who will want me, allow me to address those men who create that insecurity. We all come with baggage, it comes with the miles. My baggage is stamped with all the locations i have traveled and filled with tickets to where I'm going. I'm not where i wanna be but thank go I'm not where i used to be. I beautiful I'm smart and you know what I'M POSITIVE

Royalty - Byron Cage

SEXUALITY AN ELUSIVE CONCEPT

I caution my readers on this one, if your life ideals are shaped exclusively by your religion, you may wanna look away now. No w for those who are still with me and have some self directed thought lets get into the meat and potatoes. I want to pose a question...what is heterosexuality. Sexuality is one of the biggest issues in the political arena today, but what shapes sexuality. If you think about it is it still wrong? Some churches preach that being gay is just wrong and that it is possible to be delivered thought the power of Christ. I might lose some people on this but i say WHATEVER. Now those of you who have read my stuff know that my thoughts are always rooted in a truth i have found for myself. Praying to be straight is like being black and praying to be white. I was born this way and i dont think there is anything to change. There was a time when i served on a praise team at a certain church here in Charlotte i forced into believing that i had to change. I fasted i went into trance like meditation and prayer beseeching the blood of Christ to was away my impurities. There came a day when i truly believe the spirit of god came upon me and let me know that he loved me just as i am. Now onto those who never get the message that suppress their urges. Now maybe im wrong but i always learned that the thought was just as wrong as the action so if you think about a man to get up to do your wife is that wrong. Are you going to hell? I mean you followed the christian way, got married had kids and stopped messing with the same sex but... you fantasized? It is a common misconception that just because a man is married that he is following the christian way. that bull no man will be able to deny himself for the rest of his life. Now what about those who stop acting on their urges but never mess with the opposite sex. I don't thing a sovereign god like the one i serve would subject some individuals to a life of denial while the other 98% of the population lives a holy FULFILLING life. Being a homosexual is just as much a physical thing as it is a mind set. If your body reacts to a mans touch GUESS WHAT? so are you going to go to hell because you hedonistic id caused your sex to grow a the gently brush of a mans rear across your front as he squeezes by on the city bus or in the church pew. Now i happen to be a baptist but there seems to be a stark difference in the beliefs of Pentecostal churches on the issue of homosexuality however i think i may step on some toes so ill leave it at that. Please comment i want to know what you guys think but please be open minded its the key to life. I love you guys. i really just lived this topic with an ex of mine and i just really needed to share. shout out to Brandon Hughes for inspiring me.

Make Me Over - Tonex