Tired

I'm just trying to understand what god wants from me. Every time i feel like things just might be going right something comes out of left field and knocks me off my square. I'm cried out yet my my emotions and body keep going thru the motions. I swear some days i just want to disappear into a cloud of nothing, since nothing i do is ever good enough, my timing is never right, I'm never pretty enough or nice enough, or perfect enough. Maybe i just never do anything right? I'm trying to convince myself that god is raising me up for something better but i have this sinking feeling that i will never truly know what happiness  really is. Y'all i just wanna be happy, i just wanna stop crying, i wanna stop struggling i wanna see increase and above all i just don't wanna be the one with egg on my face once again. I'm so angry, I'm so angry its scary. The need to retaliate, the need to carry a vendetta. There are so many people i harbor so much hate for and i cant seem to sing it off, cry it off or even pray it off. I'm mad as hell, twice scorned and downgraded daily.I'm in so much pain but its the kind that no drink can ease, and no drug can soothe. I threw my last little bit of glitter in the air and it wasn't nearly as beautiful as i thought i would be. Why don't i ever win, why is it every time i can taste the sweet aroma of victory just over the next hill i get knocked back to square one...I'm tired and my faith is fleeting, so now as only a cancer can i return to my shell for it seems that i am doomed to be a bitter bitch forever.
Life: 2 Christian: 0
and that's the way it always has been.

Why?

was reading an article and i happened across these gut wrenching facts…it left me tears but most of all it left me in prayer.

CHICAGO MURDERS SINCE JAN 1 2008- 1685

-ASIAN 3 (0.25%)

-WHITE/HISPANIC 390 (35%)

-UNKNOWN(4.3%)

-BLACK 1,218 (73.3%)

The ages of 15-35 account for well over 50% of these (mainly gun related 1,373 to be exact) murders.


Male -1,488

Female- 194

I pose this question to anyone who can answer it with an intelligible response, Why? Why are our black men gunning each other down? Drugs? Money? Gangs? WHY? It is sad when the highest GPA that can be found in some hoods is a 2.0, or that many of our inner city youth dont see past the age of 30…that is very scary. What can money but you when you are laid out in a church? What can a gang do for you while your mother wilts to the floor at your casket? What does respect do for you when you are not here to bask in it? How did we find ourselves in a place where murder is the top story every night, or children playing in the streets die just doing what they love.

Where are the parents? Why are you out all night instead of rasing your kids, or chasing a man while your kids are in the streets. Parents arent what they used to be. Im appalled by the way some people allow their children to talk to them and behave in private more less in public. Where have the days gone when mamma told you to shut up you wondered if you could ever talk again, or the days when enventhough granny had never hit you you found yourself fearing her wrath? What happened to the days when men were men and frustration was taken out like gentlemen in a hand to hand fight…it takes a man to step to another man to fight…any bitch can pull a trigger and run away.

Black people we need to do better. Stop listening to these fake rappers who rhyme about a life of crime they never lived. Go to school and open your mind so that you can AFFORD the money cars and clothes, since you want to be so successful. Parents wave goodbye to the streets and hello to real life because the truth of the matter is…our black youth are dying…and we are killing them. Sound off below…i want to hear from you. I want to hear your stories, and i still what to know…WHY?

RAGE

Im fighting, Fighting like im in the ring with tyson, or being mugged on a street corner;but im not fighting flesh and blood. there are so many emotions flooding in right now but the strongest of all is hate. Because:
I hate you like the gum on the bottom of a fresh pair of kicks, or the last drink i had before worshiping the porcelain god.
I hate you like the piece of ice that make me bust my ass, or the splinter that never seems to come out in one piece.
I hate you like the poor hate Americans.
I hate you like a dropped call of the bill that cut it off.
I hate you like a car owner hates the repo man.
I hate you lie a useless debit card.
I hate you like the one short nail that i broke last week.
I hate you like the tree hates the chainsaw or like a stream hates a damn.
i hate you like makeup hates oil, like a fresh perm hates water.
I hate you like an anorexic hate thanksgiving
The thought of you makes my entrails twist with disgust. I could just throw up my lunch, I want to tell you just how much i hate you but the bit of God that remains in me when i see you wont let me. I secretly wish i could pray the worst over you. I would pray that everything you ever lied to get crashes down around you, or  that those who love you leave you in the gutter with nothing. But most of all i would pray  that you die an old lonely fossil all alone with nothing but thoughts of your lies and deceit.
I sat here and stewed for hours and tried not to write this, but your reckless disregard for the well-being of others has left me numb to your struggle. Im trying to pray this anger off me but its not happening, its not working, i still hate you. I HATE YOU i cant say it enough bc my fingers seem to love the delicate waltz across my keys that create the words. God im sorry for this post….but i had to get it out…or i think i was going to explode #FUCKyouWITHaSMILE!

Come As You Are

I often wonder why i try so hard. People keep telling me oh its just a car, or its only for a night, its just one weekend there will be another...but how many times can you hear "its just" or "its only" before it becomes "its always"? Im afraid that i will acquiesce myself away with all of these mini compromises. I struggle to find a way out of the storm...but no matter how far or how fast i run all i find are locked doors and before the storm is over im cowering in the gutter bogged down by my own anguish. I don't need pity, i just want someone to understand... Im tired of the religious bullshit that people try to feed me, the stuff that you know you wouldn't want to hear if you were in my shoes, the things that dont help in a moment of weakness. Don't judge my character from this blog, im just venting. I need to get some of this off my chest or i feel like i will suffocate under the unbearable load. More than anything i want to cry...but i dont want to cry alone. I dont have a lover...one who is strong enough to hold me up while im breaking down and too many people look to me for strength for me to remove my mask before the masses. So i sit alone, privately to remove my "band-aid" and nurse the complicated laceration that i try so desperately to hide under fashionable clothes, perfectly applied M.A.C and most deceptively a smile...

Period.

  Our love was a page ripped from a ghetto fairy tale. A hip-hopera full of mezzo highs, stalked by bassy lows. A forbidden fruit nurtured by the tree of infatuation that fell onto the grounds of rumors, jealousy and moral ambivalence. A rural-urban love that matured in the projects on the outskirts of a college town.

   I paid for my matriculation while the private education of love was being taught by a able teacher and apt pupil. God sat high and looked low as the flames of lust burned hot and died while a love that would stand as testament to its own alluring power rose from the ashes.

  Never had i submitted in such a way, he was mine and i was his. It was there before the eyes of the bewildered masses that we baptized ourselves in the the warmth of love, the comfort of trust and the temple of passion.

  Alas the bond would break, a positive sign with a negative side positioned itself between the two of us and the cooling waters of fear extinguished our fire.

  A heart once filled with passion now lay shattered spilling the seeds of hate. My heart healed but bore a secret, For withing is frigid stone exterior it protected a glimmer, a hope, a remnant of that love that I had lost and clandestinely longed for.

  His apology has ended my emotional drought with the gentle rain of reconciliation, yet the love that i thought would leave lives on. It is forever stashed and filed in a special place with his name on it. It no longer awaits his return but it forever incubates the piece of his heart that he left with me...that replaces the piece of mine that he took with him.

  There will never be another him, me nor us, but as long as i live i will cherish and remember my first professor of love. The Bible says that it is out of the abundance of the heart that the mouth speaks and my heart has written anthologies yet tonight he gave me what no other man ever could, the one thing i needed to finish our story for good, a period, it signifies the end but now that im here...i just want to read it all over again...

Sometimes I Cry

Sometimes i feel like people dont understand where im coming from. Yes im beautfiul yes i have some of the greatest family and friends in the world but sometimes thats just noit enough. Im in mourning, i morn the loss of my lifestyle, my comfort and most of all my independence. I have done everything i know how to fight the depression that stalks me everyday...I pray, better yet i beg god for a way of escape, and while i understand that there is a trying period, it is so hard to just keep going. Im so sick of "holy" folk who pretend that they never have a moment of weakness. I need those who are real enough to admit that some days when the clouds hung they lost faith. I feel like im losing my faith. im doing everything that i can given the limited resources that i have to pull myself of out this hole but nothing seems to be working. I get so frustrated because im tired of all the bullshit. im tired of getting dressed up and smiling in managers faces and lying about why i want the job...sometimes i just want to say "BITCH i want to work here because i need a job DUH!". im tired of the song and dance, im tired of revising my resume over and over again to say the same thing in a different way. Somebody please just tell me what the fuck are they looking for? I'm tired of hearing what employers are looking for then walking around the establishment and seeing the polar opposite. I just need a chance to make my life what it once was. I have been begging god for a way, a door, a window, hell ill even crawl thru a doggy door. Im depressed and i cant hide it. Im sick of pretending to be happy and okay when all i do when iim by myself is cry and pray. Its getting harder and harder for me to hide the pain and frustration. My storage is empty....i mean that literally and figuratively i am being bled dry just trying to make something of myself. Im desperate...so desperate for a change. When i look back at my life and see the things i lost it hurts su bad. I have Louis Vuitton Luggage under my eyes because i dont sleep...i just lay awake at night worrying, stressing, crying and praying. God has always been right on time but this time.... my resources are gone and i dont know what to do...somebody please help me.

For all the colors of the rainbow

How many times have we given our all to someone, only to get nothing in return?
How many times have we given our hearts away only to have it broken...again?
How many times have you trusted someone only to be betrayed, cheated on or disrespected?
Last night as i watched for colored girls i realized that the themes portrayed in that movie are not for colored girls or even for colored people...they are for the world. I realized that i had been struggling for years to find my stuff after this, that and HIM. I looked in my suitcase because i thought maybe i had lost it on a trip, i looked in my trash because i thought maybe i had thrown it out , i retraced my steps because i thought...maybe just maybe i had left it on the train. I have been searching for years for my stuff high and low here there and everywhere...everywhere except the last place that i knew i had it. I last saw my stuff while i was curled up in the arms of the man of distorted my dreams, as we lay and as we kissed and whispered sweet nothings in the eager ears of one another. It wasn't until recently when i hoped to pack my bags to find comfort in the arms of another that i even discovered that it was gone.
    At the doctor they found no pulse because my heart was gone, my temperature was low because nothing but embers remained of the passion that once burned within  ...she told me i was dead and i couldn't cry because the wells had run dry and my emotions had taken a vacation long before this solo heartbreaking conversation i was numb.
   But wait an epiphany, in an instant i knew where my stuff had gone it was last seen pinned to the coat tails of my lover lost as he snatched his heart from my grasp and shattered my world made of glass. his feet crunched on the shards that remained of what was once my life, in his departure  he took my heart my love... all of my stuff
MY STUFF
Looking back at the years i have lived in lack, the absence of my stuff. broken hearts lay strewn in my beaten path. i wonder if he knows he has it, i wonder ft he takes it out and smells for my scent when no one is looking. Or maybe he doesn't even know.... I guess ill never know
Does anyone have a heart,a touch of passion or maybe just some stuff lying around to sell?

When the lights go down

What have i become? I used to be so sweet and innocent, so caring and giving. Now i fear that im becoming a cold and heartless person that i dont know. I am reminded of the tin man, the difference is i used to know what it was like to fall in love and feel happy or sad. But these days it feels like im mad at the world. I often talk about an old heart break that never healed. Im sooooo over that but i think that my way of coping has been disabling that which makes a person a person...my ability to feel. What would i do if i could feel? Well for starters i would mend many broken relationships that were destroyed by my short temper and general disregard for the feelings of others. I know that someday i want to fall madly in love but where am i going to find enough strength to again hand over my fragile heart and hope for the best? The "what if" factor is what keeps me from letting anyone in, after all i have been thru i just dont want to get hurt again. I need a man who is strong enough and brave enough to love away the pain, one who is strong enough to carry me thru the hard parts of our journey together and most of all love me like i do just for being who i really am....what i seek is a soul mate. But in this day age when people want to move so swiftly like they do in the movies...where is the man that will love me in slow motion...i guess i am in the minority. I need to be surrounded by people who i can trust and people who love me. Until that day i guess ill just be a frigid bitch who is sad lonely and circling an emotional drowning in a pool of endless suffering, sadness and loneliness. This is the face that you will never see on the streets, on video or in pictures...this is whats left when the paint and clothes come off....when the lights go down.

More on the Black Church

Things We Lost in the Fire

Fire has always been representative of consumption, loss and damage. Fire can be spiritual, Emotional or literal. No matter what walk of life we have come from we have all lost something to fire. For some of us it was a relationship, for others it was faith but some of us lost a lot more. My fire was not literal, it was a blaze that was set by unbelief, left to smolder for years until one day God opened a window and i forgot to acknowledge it. You see when you are blind to origin of your "luck" when a window is opened anything can sneak in. The damage was extensive. First it was love then it was money then it was my material possessions. I almost lost my mind BUT GOD! Today even knowing that my fire was part of God's perfect plan the burns still linger. I did my best to stay inside of a world that was burning down all around me. Third degree burns over 70 percent of my body. Had i just headed the call of God none of this would have ever happened but i wanted to do me, funny thing is when God has a plan for your life there is no such thing as doing you. I had stopped praying and because of that my fire insurance lapsed. So here i stand in the ruins of what was my life. The ashes have long been washed away by the countless tears and all that remains is a firm foundation. I thank god for that foundation. Everyday as i get closer to his will i can see a wall go up step by step brick by brick and stone by stone. Before i know it i will find myself inside a mansion being careful to give god thanks for everything inside. What have you lost in your fire?

God, Love and Loving Who You Love

Do you ever just take time to thank God for the little things...today im thanking him for the BIG things that he has done. I have struggled with a situation for a long time and today i saw something in this person that let me know the struggle is OVER! This is mostly aimed at my readers who are same gender loving and make no apologies about it...so many people ask me my beliefs about God and who i love and my reply goes something like this...LOVE is of God is love and therefore love is of GOD. For those of you that know what it means to really love someone also know that no devil in hell could ever fake that. I don't believe that God would allow a deep scarring and indelible love to be shared between two people who may spend an eternity in the lake of fire behind it. How can something so real and so pure lead to a damned eternity? God has revealed so much to me and i have had some of the most incredible worship experiences since i admitted to myself and to god that i love me just where i am and i know that God does as well. have you ever been so deep in worship that it feels like you could fold in on yourself, almost like you spirit man was clawing at your flesh to escape and get closer to the awesomeness that is God? For those who choose to follow the will of man and like a life of conformity and dissatisfaction, more power to you but as for me i am a radical for Christ and i live a radical lifestyle safely in the will of the eternal God. My words do not go so far as to express my love for God. I have something that i want to say to one particular but i cant find the words so i wont...that person knows my heart and they know theirs too...I cant tell you how to live your life but always be true to you because deceitfulness was not is not nor will it ever be in the holy will. God bless you all and leave me your thoughts.

Helpless.

I feel like no one understands where im coming from. I have reached a point where i cant trust those around me and i find myself just wanting to be alone most of the time. All i want out of life is to be successful but life has dealt me such a shitty hand that im starting to think that there really is no way out. Have you ever had so much pressure on you that you for got what it was like to be free? I cant remember what its like not to be stalked by the grips of depression, i dont remember what its like to look forward to something without worrying about failure. Where do you go from here. Its almost as if everyone i know is standing on top of a building screaming "were up here join us" but i cant even find the stairs to start the climb to the top. I have lost so much, and i have so little. I am thankful for the things i have but i lust for so much more. Where is my opened window or door, where is my golden opportunity? Im so tired and im close to giving up...i dont even know how to give up anymore. I have no way out, i find myself in a tiny box, 4 walls with barely enough for my chest to expand to draw the bittersweet air, that which keeps me alive to try another day and also forces me to wake and face my pain. I want to live but i dont want to live like this...i need more. My walls are closing in on me and its getting harder and harder to breathe.

THANATOPSIS by: William Cullen Bryant (1794-1878

O him who in the love of Nature holds
Communion with her visible forms, she speaks
A various language; for his gayer hours
She has a voice of gladness, and a smile
And eloquence of beauty, and she glides
Into his darker musings, with a mild
And healing sympathy, that steals away
Their sharpness, ere he is aware. When thoughts
Of the last bitter hour come like a blight
Over thy spirit, and sad images
Of the stern agony, and shroud, and pall,
And breathless darkness, and the narrow house,
Make thee to shudder and grow sick at heart;--
Go forth, under the open sky, and list
To Nature's teachings, while from all around--
Earth and her waters, and the depths of air--
Comes a still voice--Yet a few days, and thee
The all-beholding sun shall see no more
In all his course; nor yet in the cold ground,
Where thy pale form was laid with many tears,
Nor in the embrace of ocean, shall exist
Thy image. Earth, that nourish'd thee, shall claim
Thy growth, to be resolved to earth again,
And, lost each human trace, surrendering up
Thine individual being, shalt thou go
To mix for ever with the elements,
To be a brother to the insensible rock,
And to the sluggish clod, which the rude swain
Turns with his share, and treads upon. The oak
Shall send his roots abroad, and pierce thy mould.

Yet not to thine eternal resting-place
Shalt thou retire alone, nor couldst thou wish
Couch more magnificent. Thou shalt lie down
With patriarchs of the infant world--with kings,
The powerful of the earth--the wise, the good,
Fair forms, and hoary seers of ages past,
All in one mighty sepulchre. The hills
Rock-ribb'd and ancient as the sun,--the vales
Stretching in pensive quietness between;
The venerable woods; rivers that move
In majesty, and the complaining brooks
That make the meadows green; and, pour'd round all,
Old Ocean's grey and melancholy waste,--
Are but the solemn decorations all
Of the great tomb of man. The golden sun,
The planets, all the infinite host of heaven,
Are shining on the sad abodes of death,
Through the still lapse of ages. All that tread
The globe are but a handful to the tribes
That slumber in its bosom.--Take the wings
Of morning, pierce the Barcan wilderness,
Or lose thyself in the continuous woods
Where rolls the Oregon and hears no sound
Save his own dashings--yet the dead are there:
And millions in those solitudes, since first
The flight of years began, have laid them down
In their last sleep--the dead reign there alone.
So shalt thou rest: and what if thou withdraw
In silence from the living, and no friend
Take note of thy departure? All that breathe
Will share thy destiny. The gay will laugh
When thou art gone, the solemn brood of care
Plod on, and each one as before will chase
His favourite phantom; yet all these shall leave
Their mirth and their employments, and shall come
And make their bed with thee. As the long train
Of ages glides away, the sons of men,
The youth in life's green spring, and he who goes
In the full strength of years, matron and maid,
The speechless babe, and the gray-headed man--
Shall one by one be gathered to thy side
By those who in their turn shall follow them.

So live, that when thy summons comes to join
The innumerable caravan which moves
To that mysterious realm where each shall take
His chamber in the silent halls of death,
Thou go not, like the quarry-slave at night,
Scourged by his dungeon; but, sustain'd and soothed
By an unfaltering trust, approach thy grave,
Like one who wraps the drapery of his couch
About him, and lies down to pleasant dreams.

"Thanatopsis" is reprinted from Yale Book of American Verse. Ed. Thomas R. Lounsbury. New Haven: Yale University Press, 1912.

The long and winding road home

Life is like driving down an old country road. The way is rough riddled with nails and long stretches with no gas stations. I have been traveling down this long country road since i left the home that my mother carried me in for nine months. Ever since i have been driving...destination...unknown. My early life was a stop over in the city, plenty of people always willing to lend a helping hand. At this point in my life i have found myself in the desert, a barren land...alone. 5 miles to empty and i haven't seen a sign for a filling station for hundreds of miles. over the course of this voyage i have gotten plenty of flats easily fixed. I have had numerous collisions many leaving dents that remain to this day. This time its serious im almost out of fuel, desperately in need of an oil change and a warm bed to just REST. What am i going to do when i run out of fuel, i have no one to call, no one cares about my struggle. How will i press on? Maybe im on my way to Hollywood to be famous, maybe to New York to be successful but maybe just maybe im on my way to some small town to spend the rest of my life just making it. In any case im tired and i just want to rest...i just need a little rest.

Diary of a mad black bottom(a story)

Prologue

My name is Jaylen Skye but everyone calls me skye. I decided to start keeping a diary to hang on to whats left of my mind. This house is driving me nuts. 3 years ago in 2006 I fell in love with Malik Carter and we have lived together ever since. I still love him and all but shit is just getting out of control. Like what he said yesterday, he had the nerve to tell me that my roast was overcooked after I had been home all fucking day playing daddy day care he wants to talk shit. I almost threw the whole damn roast at him but Given his 6’8 country boy frame I decided against it.
Well lets see we met at a club here in Chicago. He followed me to the bar and introduced himself, he bought me a drink and we exchanged numbers, I honestly thought he was another one of the many flakes blowing around the windy city but I was wrong. He swept me off my feet and we moved into a house in Beverly. Most gay men dream of this life, and I did too until I got it. Now I feel trapped I cant leave I have nothing. I don’t work and the cars houses and money are all his. So this diary is my private confession booth and here I will chronicle my days and offer my thoughts. God I hope he never finds this….

“Would everyone please be quiet” I said to the room as if the three children who were there with me would listen to a word that I had said. Justyce was 7, Malik Jr 6 and little Giselle was 3. They were all Malik’s kids and they were pushing me to the limits of my sanity. For the past 2 years everyday Malik headed off to work at 7 and around 8:30 Rasheeda would come by to drop off the kids. I would get Jr and Justyce ready for school and Giselle stayed with me. When Malik and I first got together it was a mess. He had just broken things off with Rasheeda and she made our lives hell. That bitch slashed my tires 3 times, I almost lost my religion and she almost lost her life. Obviously I didn’t really like her and we always gave each other that bitch don’t speak to me look. For the past year Malik had been trying to gain custody of the kids, I wanted to protest but I know how much he loves them, and I do too but parenthood and my cover boy looks just don’t mix.
“hey everybody” Malik said as he came in the house
“hey baby, how was work”
“I don’t even want to talk about it I lost an account worth about 20 million today”
Malik was a broken for a major company and the nigga had power and lots of it. Everyone at the office called me his wife or Mrs carter. It was a little gay for me but it was cute.
“lets go out for ice cream” Malik offered
“YAY ICE CREAM” The children yelled in unison
“you know what baby im just gonna stay here I need a little rest”
“ye baby you look a little tired, well ill take the kids off your hand and order out for dinner you get some rest” he said smiling and leaning in to kiss me. Muah! With that I headed upstairs to take a long hot bath. I ran the water and filled the tub with bath beads and bubble bath. Just before I got in I turned on the radio and the sweet sounds of Phyllis Hyman filled the room. I must have been really tired because I fell asleep. I awoke to the sound of the bedroom door being flung open. I leapt from the tub which was just in front of the twin walk in closets. I walk in my side and grabbed my pistol. I threw the door to the bedroom open, gun drawn. “o shit baby calm down its me”
“Nigga you better make your presence known, u know they been breaking in peoples houses” I said placing the gun on the dresser. ”now what’s wrong”
“I got in a wreck baby”
“whose car? Just please say it wasn’t my745, please”
“im sorry baby i didn’t have any gas in mine and with the kids I didn’t want to stop….im sorry you know we will get it fixed”
“o shit, how are my babies, what happened?”
“this broad ran the stop sign and t-boned us, the kids are fine a lil shook up but they are ok.”
“well that’s all that matter, get me a rental tomorrow, im taking the kids to Navy Pier.”
“ok baby, DAMN! You look good” he said staring at my chiseled body clad in nothing but a towel
“ya like?” I said winking
He grabbed me by my waist and pulled me to him kissing me passionately.
“wait where are the kids”
“Rasheeda juss came and got them”
“good”
He continued kissing my body. He picked me up and place me on the dresser pulling my head back by my unbraided hair to kiss my neck. Like a pro he undressed the sound of his slack and belt hitting the floor let me know it was on. He took a step back and gestured for me to follow him to the bed, there I was surprised by his fuller erect 10 inch manhood when he removed his briefs. I swallowed his monster whole as he moaned with pleasure forcing himself further down my throat. He grabbed my leg inviting me to place my cakes on his chin. He licked and moaned, I sucked and he moaned until it was time for the main event. He looked deep into my eyes and said “ride me”. I mounted him with anticipation, as long as we had been together it still always hurt in this position. I slowly began to invite him into my rosebud, inch by splitting inch. My legs became weak with pleasure as I bottomed out. He placed his powerful arms underneath me and gently began thrusting. I cried out in pleasure. Just as it was getting good “don’t you be afraid to let me elevate you welcome you to super duper Jupiter lover...” Malik’s phone began to ring.
“aw shit” he said reaching for the phone, at this hour it had to be that bitch
“hello
Yes it is
Say what” Malik said as I felt him go limp inside me
“this is a joke right”
“where are my kids”
“so is…what do you mean you cant give me anymore information”
I was tryin to hear what the person on the other end of the phone was saying.
“im on my way” Malik said jumping up to get dressed.
“baby we gotta go something is wrong”
“like what?” I said
“I cant even speak it cause I know it aint tru, bay juss put sum damn clothes on and come the hell on”
I didn’t know what had happened and at that moment I could have never imagined the impact that it would have on my life.


“Baby go dowstairs and wake up Giselle, put her in some clothes and meet me at the car” Malik barked
“I thought you said the kids were gone and what the hell is goin on?”
“just do what the fuck I told you, shit follow directions, she the only one here”
Rather that curse him out like I wanted to I followed directions. I woke Giselle who looked like a little angel and put on her jacket. When I got to the car I put her in the car seat and sat in the passenger seat waiting on my man, When he stepped into the garage his facial expression was troubled, he was yelling at someone on the phone. He started the car and we were off, destination: unknown.
We were speeding down the Dan Ryan expressway when we ran into a massive traffic jam. Malik began speeding down the left shoulder.
“have you lost your mind, this illegal and dangerous, and you got my baby in the car!”
“SHUT THE FUCK UP,and im glad you think she is your baby because her fuckin mother is probably DEAD! All this fuckin traffic, there was a wreck, don’t say shit else.”
I was stunned I didn’t know what to think, I mostly worried about the other two kids. I hated feeling this way but I never liked Rasheeda so was I suppose to cry or something. After less than an hour 5 wreckers were on site to take away the vehicles and 5 ambulances to take everyone to the hospital. Malik jumped in the car and sped of toward Rush University Hospital. I was afraid to ask what had happened or how the rest of my kids were so I rode in silence. When we arrived at the hospital I picked up a sleeping Giselle and carried her into the Er waiting room. I decided not to go back with Malik, instead I just sat and prayed for everyone’s safety.
“baby we gotta go to the Surgical waiting room” Malik said waking me and taking Giselle from my arms.
“whats going on” I said quietly following him down the hallway.
“baby” he said stopping to lean against the wall with tears forming in his eyes “Rasheeda and Justyce are dead” he cried sliding to the floor. I had never seen Malik cry and the site broke my heart. I knelt down and embraced him and Giselle, my new daughter and began to cry. “its gonna be ok baby”
“Jr is goin in for surgery right now for a collapsed lung, baby you know I don’t do all that praying and stuff, I don’t think god will hear me. I want you to go to the chapel and ask him to save my boy” He mumbled between hushed sobs. “of course baby” I said quietly.
I guided my man to the chapel and it was there that I went mother on the church. I prayed myself in to tounges. For the first time I realized how much I loved the children, as crazy as they had driven me I really loved them. It would be a long time before we knew if our prayers had been answered.

It had been three months since that night in the chapel. Since that time I had attended the worst double funeral I had ever attended. My knees buckled when I saw my baby in that casket. Greif had been a trend in the house. Malik and I had cried ourselves to sleep every night. Giselle still didn’t quite understand what was going on, she was just happy to be living with us. We had been granted custody of her just a week after the accident. Jr was still in a coma, the surgery to re-inflate his lung had been successful but had had yet to regain consciousness and the doctors feared that he had suffered severe brain damage. I trusted god and I prayed day and night for his complete recovery. It was early one morning that they were answered. I was sitting by the bed reading when a small hand reached over and pulled the corner of the book. He waived unable to speak because of the tube in his throat. I kissed him on his forehead and called for the nurse. Within the hour Malik had left his job and joined me at the hospital. The nurses removed his breathing tube.
“hey daddy, hey daddy Skye where’s mommy?” he said in a raspy voice.
“he my baby” I said
“hey champ” Malik said hugging him gently
I had to leave the room as the tears began to pour. How were we going to tell this child that his sister and his mother were killed.
The doctors gave Jr. a clean bill of health and he was cleared to come home just 2 days later. On the night we brought him home Malik and I tucked him and Giselle in and went downstairs for a chef prepared meal. It was there over gourmet food and under the flicker of warm candle light that he asked me to spend the rest of my life with him.
“baby you have been my rock thru all of this and for the past 3 years. I love you and my kids are just as much mine as there are yours. And I want us to be a family. So, Jaylen Skye will you spend the rest of your life with me.” he said dropping to one knee
“Oh my god, baby I love you too…of course I will” I said crying uncontrollably
He placed a 16 karat Harry Winston on my finger and with that the most perfect night drew to a close. Family was something I always wanted, I never knew it came with so many complications. But I would soon find out.


“Jr come on baby I gotta get you to school we are gonna be late”
“ok daddy Skye im coming”
“put your sisters coat on and bring her downstairs”
“ok”
6 am had become my new time to rise. Being a parent was so much more work than I ever imagined it could have been. A whole year had past since the accident and we had fallen into a pattern. Up at 6 am for school, clean the house, pick the kids up, take Jr to pee wee football and home to cook dinner. So days I really loved my life and others days I just wanted out. I couldn’t remember the last time me and the “girls” had gone out for a drink. The stress of the daily grind had begun to work on me. I was depressed most of the time and stressed all the time. The relationship between Malik and I had become strained. I was always to tired to have sex and we fought about everything.
The kids and I piled into the 2010 Saab 9-5 that I had begged for and pulled away from the 2 million dollar home that I had selected and remodeled. Some times it amazed me how good I had it. My mom had come to visit and she told me to make sure I “hang on to this one”. As much as I wanted to all I could think was that I didn’t sign up for all of this. I never wanted children and as much as I loved my babies the stress monotony was killing me.
After I dropped the kids off at school I went back home and fell asleep on the couch. When I awoke it was 11am. I ran nice hot bath and soaked for about an hour and got dressed to start my day. I decided that I would take a day off. I called the nanny and told her to pick up the kids and I headed to the car wash to shine my baby. When I arrived at the carwash I was shocked at how busy it was. I decided upon a self wash as I did not want my new car scratched. I looked out of place, a black man driving a Saab amid niggas with lifted chevys and 20 something inch rims. I never really bought into the whole thug thing but I had to admit some of them were just sexy. When I finally saw a free wash bay I whipped my car in and hopped out. I opened all of the doors and hung the mats on the wall. When I looked in the ashtray for some change I realized that Jr had once again taken all of my quarters. I walked over to the change machine and stood in line. I was startled by a deep manly voice with a Georgia accent, which was far out of place in Chicago, talking to someone on the phone. My curiosity got the best of me so I dropped my car keys to get a better look. I bent over to pick them up and so did he, our eyes locked in an awkward stare. He was light-skinned about 6’1 with that country build I loved so much. His eyes were a hazel gray color and his hair suggested that he was mixed with something. “damn he’s fine” I thought as I quickly broke our stare. I turned around as if unaffected by our exchange just as it was my turn to use the machine,
“let me call you back” he said to someone on the phone
I got my change and hurried back to my unattended luxury car. When I tried to turn the knob on the wash box to brush it got stuck.
“shit” I exclaimed.
While I was trying to turn it a yellow hand joined mine on the knob.
“let me help you shawty” the cute guy from the line said
“thank you so much dude” I said nonchalantly as he fixed the knob and began washing my car.
“you don’t look like the type to be washing your own car and this don’t look like da type you wash yoself” he laughed.
“why you say that?” I questioned
“you too cute for this and this car is fly as fuck, what is it”
“it’s the new Saab 9-5 “ I replied overlooking the cute comment
“ok I like it, aye im Chance”
“im Jaylen but everyone calls me skye”
“its nice 2 meet you, id like too call ya sumtime if that’s cool witcha”
We exchanged numbers and he finished washing my car.
“what I owe you?” I said laughing
“dude are you serious, I don’t work fo change juss thought I’d help a fine ass dude out, plus I kno I look like im from the trap but look around that cona and yull see wha da fuck im drivin”
I glanced around the corner into the next stall and there was parked a brand new Jaguar XJ.
“juss got sum rims put on it and shit, thought Id clean it up ya kno, but id love to take ya fo a ride sumtime”
“we will see, I have to though I have to pick up my kids” I lied
“kids, that’s what it do. Imma call ya”
With that I climbed into my car. All the way home I thought about Chance and how wrong I had been just standing there talking to him. But I still wanted to know him, I wondered if that was wrong. I thought about desperate housewives, was I becoming one? I stopped by the house to pick up the mail and then headed to the gym, after that I went to the spa to relax. I felt like I was avoiding home as I drove to the super market to pick up a few things. When I got home around 10 Malik had already sent the nanny home and put the kids to bed.
“where have you been?” he said in a calm but threatening voice
“I just needed a day baby, I washed my car went to the gym and stopped by the store oh and I went to the spa”
“don’t be leaving my kids with some strange as person”
“bay they know Fatima she used to keep them all the time”
“I know who she is but don’t leave em no more”
“I needed a break and maybe if you did more I wouldn’t have to take a day off, and what the the hell do you mean YO kids, im raising em”
“don’t go there with me im not in the mood tonight”
“fick your mood you always comin home with an attitude, like we suppose to just take it. You betta get yo head right”
“like I said im not in the mood, so sit the fuck down before I knock you ass down”
“nigga you better not hit me I dare you to put yo damn hands on me, im not Rasheeda”
He backhanded me across my face like I was his bottom ho. The metallic taste of blood invaded my mouth.
“don’t you ever talk about the mother of my kids like that”
I was just about to pick up the lamp on the end table in retaliation when we were interrupted.
“daddy Skye” Giselle said softly
“yes pumpkin” Malik answered
“no daddy skye, I cant sleep will you read me a story?” she asked sweetly
“yes baby come on”I said picking her up kissing her on the cheek
I could see that Giselle asking for me had really pissed Malik off. When I place Giselle in the bed I heard Malik climb the stairs and slam the door.
“are and daddy fighting?”
“no baby we were just playin”
“then why did he he hit you?” she said with worry on her face
“We were just playing a game baby he didn’t mean it” I lied
“ok, I wanna hear the ‘princess and the pea’” she said sweetly
I read the story all the while I tried to hide how pissed off I really was. This was the second time he had hit me in less than a month and I had decided that it would be the last. Once giselle had drifted off to sleep I tucked her in and headed to the bedroom to do battle. I burt into the room where malik was watching tv.
“we need to talk”
“about what Skye” he said with an attitude
“you not gonna keep putting your hands on me”
“stop talkin to me like you crazy then”
“you acting like you crazy”
“NIGAA SHUT THE FUCK UP damn you always goin on about something acting like a fuckin bitch. I know you might think you mommy but you aint no female”
“so what this about the kids, you mad cause you baby girl came to me, you aint no daddy you a damn sperm donor I take care of these kids”
Enraged he lept from the bed lunging for my throat, but I was ready. I picked up the vase on the dressed and broke it across his face.
“now you listen to me I will kill you if you ever hit me again, I love those kids so don’t you belittle my influence, now clean yourself up and get the fuck out, you sleeping on the couch tonigh”
“nigga I kno you crazy, look at my fuckin face” he said lookin in the mirror
“And look at mine” I said showing off the purple bruise on my cheek “now get out”
“this my god damned house”
“I don’t give a fuck, I should make you ass sleep in that Aston you wont let me drive, kick rocks all the way to you lazy boy”
Reluctantly he gathered himself and headed downstairs. I barely slept that nigh. What had we become? My thoughts soon turned to chance and I wondered if he would be the thing that would keep my relationship together of the man who would tear it apart

The next morning I awoke to my empty bed at 6am jus like every morning but this morning things were different. From the kitchen the smell of a home cooked southern breakfast filled the house. I went in the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth all the while the smell of pancakes tempted my nostrils and taunted my growling stomach. When I finally reached the kitchen Malik and the kids were sitting at the breakfast bar eating. I was surprised to see the kids were already dressed.
“good morning baby”
“good morning” I said still thinking about last night
“don’t act like that babe, look im sorry, and I got the kids up for you and made breakfast to prove it, im also celebrating I got the letter to day, the adoption is final the kids are ours!”
“nice try, good morning kids” I said hiding my excitement over the adoptions
“good morin daddy skye” they said in unison
“you guys ready for school?”
“its Saturday daddy” Giselle said with a smile, the daddy comment caught Malik off guard, he wore a look of surprise.
“yea, you suppose to be takin the kids shoppin downtown today remember DADDY? Malik said sarcastically
“Of course I do, well we wont leave until around 11 so we eat you guys can play wii while I get dressed and rest a little more” I said sweetly
“ok baby, I have to fly to New York for a few hours ill be back later tonight, gotta meet with a client”
“knock yourself out”
Breakfast continued uninterrupted. When I had finished my breakfast I climbed the staris and went back to sleep. Around 9:30 I got up took a shower and put on some clothes. By the time I finished my extensive grooming routine it was 11 on the dot. I grabbed my favorite pair of Chanel frames and headed downstairs.
“you ready kids”
“YEA!”
“which car do you guys want to ride in?”
“the blue one” Giselle said referring to the audi R8
“that’s a two seater baby”
“I know I want Jr to go with daddy Lik” she said lauging
“lets drive the Infiniti” Jr suggested
“ the FX good choice” giggle picking up the keys to my favorite car
I helped the kids into the jeep and we were off. First we went to Orland Square and shopped untill we were starving. The kids insisted upon deep dish pizza so we decided to go to Gino’s East on North Lincoln since we were headed down town anyway. We ate as much pizza as we could stand and packed the rest up.
“ok where do you guys want to go”
“American Girl. I want a doll” Giselle said bubbling
“ok baby, and you Jr”
“Apple, abd I want some shoes”
“ok then we will go to Michigan Ave.”
We piled back into the car and drove into the madness that is known as the “Magnificent Mile”. By this time it was 4 and traffic was outrageous. We ducked into one of the underground parking garages and began the long walk up the street, When we reached American Girl inside of Watertower place one of the employees took Giselle to help he build the perfect doll. Jr and I sat outside and watched the fountain in the lobby. Moments later my phone rang, it was Chance.
“Hello”
“whats good shawty?”
“hey Chance, nothing much just out with the kids”
“o that’s cool, what you guys up to?”
“I just decided to take them shopping today (Jr come here and leave that lady’s baby alone!) im sorry these kids o how I love them”
“I feel you I got a lil boy myself”
“so what you doin later on, can you find a sitter and…come out for a drink, I would ask if I could come over but I know im a stranger and you got kids”
“I might be able to find a sitter let me call you when I get home cause im about to have to beat this lil boy (Jr get you hands out of that damn water )”
“yea sounds like you got your hands full, just call me lata shawty”
“ok”
“bye”
I had no time to reflect as jr was about to soak himself and everyone else around him while playing with the fountain. I pulled him down and Giselle called out standing at the door with a huge doll box.
“im ready daddy”
“ok baby lets go pay for it”
We paid for the doll and went up stairs to the shoe store. After sending the employee to get Jr’s size Giselle threw up all over the place.
“daddy I don’t feel so good” she said pitifully
“ok baby imma take you home as soon I as I get these shoes” I said taking some wipes out of my bag to clean her up. I bought the shoes and carried Giselle to the car with Jr walking beside me. What a day it had been but I had enjoyed it, the only thing that bothered me was that Giselle had begun to call ME daddy. This coupled with the fact that I had a special soft spot for her, I knew it was going to become a problem.

When we pulled up in the driveway Malik’s Aston Roadster was parked beside a little beat up Honda. “who the hell is that?” I though. I pulled into the open garage and turned the car off closing the silent garage door behind me.
“you guys stay here for a sec I think Daddy might have a client”
“ok can you leave the radio on?” Jr asked
“sure” I said turning the radio back on “and you can play it as loud as you want”
“YES” the said together.
I walked in the house quietly. My high developed senses told me that something was amiss in my home. I knew I had told the kids to turn the radio on so that their little ears wouldn’t hear me shooting their father, the truck was sound proof it wouldn’t give me away. I climbed the stairs in complete silence. Through the door I could hear whispers giggles and moans. I flung the double doors open. The sight sparked an inferno in my eyes, my man had some bitch bent over the side of the bed”
“WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!”
“o shit baby where are the kids”
“in the car” I said in a psycho tone.
“baby? Who is this fag?” the unknown female said
“FAG? Bitch this is my god damned house and my man, if you want to live you better get yo shit and get the fuck out”
“baby let me explain” Malik said
“ha ha there is no explanation that’s going to stop me from killing yo ass”
The bitch started yelling and screaming at Malik, He was screaming at both of us ans I couldn’t think, I reached into the D&G bag on my arm and pulled out my pistol. POP! Everyone hit the floor as the plaster from the ceiling rained down around me.
“HELLO, im pissed off, and miss fish I told you to get the fuck outta my house and unless you want me to fill you with lead like I just did ceiling I suggest you leave now! And as for you nigga you might as well pack yo shit cause you leaving”
“how you gonna put me outta my house?”
“like this” I said walkin into the closet to throw some of his shit in a Gucci duffle bag. I threw the bag out the bedroom door. “anything you missing the are having a sale at Wal-Mart, cause I got ya wallet” I said taking it out of the slacks on the floor. The female, now dressed, was still standing there.
“this is a joke right” she said
“hahaha you think this drill im about to show you how serious I am” I grabbed her by her ninety-nine cent store weave and lead her out of the bedroom down the stairs and out the front door.
“Have a nice day…BITCH” I said angrily slamming the massive door in her face.
“MALIK, BRING YO ASS DOWNSTAIRS”
He emerged from the bedroom and picked his bag up from the landing. When he reached the bottom of the stairs
“can I please have my wallet”
“hell no”
“where you want me to go”
“ASK THAT BITCH FOR SOME MONEY MALIK!, get out” I said opening the door.
“wait let me get my keys”
“keys to what? You aint drivin shit here get on foot patrol or maybe you can hitch a ride from her” I Spewed pushing his 6’8 frame out of the door locking and bolting it behind him. I calmed down and brought the kids in the house. They went to the theater to watch movie and I went upstairs to plot. This would certainly be the night that I called Chance.
“Two can play that game” I said aloud as I pulled out my phone to call.

Fatima answered the phone sounding as if I had disturbed her sleep.
“hello”
“hey girl, this is skye can you come take the kids off my hands for a little while?”
“sure what time”
“as soon as possible, I got some business to handle”
“ok baby im getting dressed now”
Fatima lived on the southside so I knew that gave me a little time to oull myself together. I walked into the bathroom and looked in the mirror
“ok chile are you sure this is what you want to do?” I said to my reflection
I picked up my phone and found Chance on the call log. I took a deep breath and pressed send putting the phone to my ear.
“whats up shawty?” he answered
“nothing much, what you doin?”
“shit watchin cops” he laughed
“well why don’t you come over”
“o for real you invitin a nigga ova, cool, where you live”
“out in beverly”
“o shit a nigga living good” he laughed
“well I live in Orland park so text me you address and ill be on my way”
“cool”
We ended the call and I typed my address into a text as instructed and sent it.
Moments later Fatima was at the front door. I ran downstairs to let her in.
“thank you so much girl you are a life saver”
“no problem chile where is Malik”
“I put his ass out chile do you know he had fish in my bed?”
“no, you lying”
We continued our conversation upstairs while I packed a bag for the kids.
“so what you doing tonight you goin out”
“chile yea”
Just then I head the door bell
“ that must be Chance” I said to Fatima as we walked to the door.
I opened the door and there he stood in all of his yellow glory
“HEY, this is a nice house”
“damn” Fatima said aloud “ o shit did I say that out loud” she laughed
“yes you did” I giggled back
“im chance whats yo name baby girl”
“Fatima”
“nice to meet you he said with a smile”
“let me call the kids upstairs so you guys can go, you can bring them back in the morning” I said walking over to the intercom, I selected theater and told the kids to come to the front door. Within moments they had joined us. I kissed both of my babies on the forehead and Fatima lead them to the car.
“I love you guys”
“I love you too daddy” the said in unison
I closed the door and invited chance to the kitchen for a drink.
“they are beautiful children, you must be so proud”
“ I really am”
We talked for about an hour before Chance suggested that we go out to Circuit. I agreed, grabbed my bag and we were on our way in my Saab. The conversation primarily focus on my car and it features on the way to the club. When we arrived we valet the car and inside we found a quiet booth in the corner where our conversation continued. We talked about our llikes and dislikes and previous relationships, avoiding my current one. Around 2am we headed back to my house. We decided to sit out by the pool. The converstion turned to our jobs.
“so what do you do?” Chance quizzed
“I don’t work”
“really, I don’t either, I kno ya think im sum kinda trap boi but my dad is actually a majority share holder in th MTV networks. So Im a trust fund baby” he laughed “but don’t get me wrong im educated I graduated from Howard 2 years ago wit my MBA, I wan to open my own studio somewhere”
“that’s whats up, well I graduated from NYU around 5 years ago, pre med. I want to be a surgeon. But I fell in love and here I am”
“so you you live here wit yo dude”
“I used to, I kicked him out when I caught him with a bitch in my bed”
“o shit shawty that’s fucked up”
I went on to explain the circumstances with the children and their mother. Chance seemed really interested. I was surprised that the conversation had completely avoided sex being that we were both heavily intoxicated.
“im getting tired dude”
“me too” I said wondering if he would stay
“so I guess imma hit the road, unless you will let me hold ya tonight”
With a smile I led him to the bedroom. We undressed down to our underwear and for the first time I got a look at his body his chest was massive complimented by a perfect 6 pack that led down into not c-cuts but v-gashes. I was so turned on but I had to hold myself together. I was mad at Malik and as much as I wanted payback I knew that sleeping with him in our bed was not the way. We climbed into the sheet and like a magnet our bodies connected.
“you feel so good in my arms baby”
“I like the way I feel in your arms” I said shyly as he place his finger under my chin lifting my lips to his. Our lips met and had I been standing my knees would have buckled. For the rest of the night he held me and I slept like a baby.
I awoke the next morning to the sound of Kelly Price’s as we lay blasting on the built in bedroom surround system. “how Ironic” I thought I slipped from a still sleeping Chance’s embrace. I sat up and opened my eyes. Blinded by the light through the open blinds I saw a figure standing in the doorway.
“its morning, and you and this nigga have slept the night away in MY BED!” it was Malik.
“how did you get…never mind, what difference does it make why don’t you go find that bitch you had in here” I said becoming angry and waking Chance.
“what is goin on here” Chance said dazed from sleep
“you are about to get the fuck outta my house and im about kick my Wifey’s ass” Malik huffed from behind gripped teeth.
“I don’t remember you being the one who invited me in, and I damn sho aint bout at leave if you gon put yo hands on him mi nigga” Chance said standing up.
“Like I said get the fuck out” Malik said walking up to Chance towering over him with his 6’8 frame.
“fuck you bruh” Chance said pushing Malik back and dropping his now balled fists. Malik dwarfed Chance bby about 6 inches and prolly had him by about 100 pounds but I could see in his Chance’s eyes that he didn’t plan to back down. Malik swung and a fight ensued. They interlocked in a hail of glory and I was powerless to stop them. Thinking fast I reached in my bag for my trust pistol. I cocked it and the fighting stopped.
“Damn shawty is a gangsta” Chance said out of breath
“ what you gonna do with…”
“Shut up mailk” I said cutting him off “Chance you can leave I can handle this from here”
“you sure”
“yea sweetie go ahead”
Chance gathered his things and once I heard the front door close I un-cocked the weapon and place it back on my bag on the nightstand. No sooner than I walked away from it Malik Jumped into the bed and tackled me onto the floor.
“bitch I will kill you you had a nigga in my house”
“the same way you had a bitch in my bed, get the fuck off of me”
Once we had both calmed down we sat in the den and talked.
“Skye look, I love you you know that but I feel like I cant do this life anymore”
“what does that mean”
“well you know im BI and lately I been feeling like I don’t want my soon to grow up seeing that his daddy is fag. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea” he said solemnly
I began to cry “are you leaving me, after all of this, I have given you 5 years of my life I have helped you raise these kids and now you just want to take it all from me? I hate you Malik. I knew that you…you would be the one to br..eak my h..h..heart” I said dropping my head in my lap. “what am I suppose to do now?”
“baby you can keep the house and the r8, Saab and FX, but I cant do this anymore”
Suddenly a female entered the room, the same girl from the day before.
“Skye I remember when we used to be happy and fun loving but then you turned into Martha fucking Stewart. He said as the girl walked up and placed he hand on his shoulder, the spectacle enraged me.
“You made me this way, if you hadn’t dumped you kids off on me I would have never turned into MARTHA FUCKNG STEWART, you know what fuck this, you can have en honey, maybe he wont cheat on you. Get the fuck outta here” I said wiping the tears from my face
“Skye this is Eva I have been seeing her for the past year and we are looking into marriage” he said coldly
I snatched the Harry Winston from my finger and threw it, hitting him in his mouth. “I don’t care who she is just get out”
“I’m coming to get my kids tomorrow”
“the hell you will” I mumbled as he walked out of the bedroom. I was hurt I was embarrassed but most of all I was pissed off. I had already devised a plan for revenge and I thought about two ladies Blu Cantrell and Bernadette, I didn’t know at that moment what I was going to do…
“payback is a mutha but this one, this one is gonna be one for the fucking record books, you just wait nigga, just wait” I mumbled making up the bed.

The children came home about 2 hours after I had but their fater and his new bitch out of the house. I fed them and left them to roam the house while I sat in my room on the laptop plotting. I was so angry I felt like my skin was going to erupt into flames. I looked for laws involving gay unions, there were none then I looked for adoption laws. I planned to keep my kids I had invested so much of myself intot hen and I wasn’t about to let it go to waste. Over the course of the next week my plan unfolded. The kids played while I bleached…every piece of clothing that Malik owned. The cars that he had purchased in my name I locked them in the garage. If I needed to go somewhere I drove his BMW and I hit every pothole and parking block that I saw along the way. Friday was bill day and given our rock existence I had been angry to par the bills last months. Most of the envelopes contained final notices, I didn’t pay a single one. The next day (Saturday) I had a yard sale I sold everything that he owned, I took the BMW to CarMax afterwards and sold it for 10,000 over blue book value. I deposited that money into a private account. I stopped by the gas station and picked up som kerosene When I got home the children sat down to watch a movie but I knew there was one last thing I had to do. In the spirit of Bernadette I lugged all of his now bleached clothes and his cut up shoes outside and made a pile in the driveway. I ran back into the house and found the key to the last car Malik owned the Aston Martin Rapide. He had purchased the car as a Christmas present to himself a year ago I had to admit that what I was about to that two-hunded thousand dollar automobile broke my heart but I had to hit him where it hurt and I knew he loved that car. I backed the car away from the house and piled the clothes in . I poured the kerosene all inside and on top of the car. With the flick of my cigarette the car burst into flames. I walked back in the house and joined the children on the couch.
“Ice cream anymone?”
“me”
“me” they both said with joy.
We went into the kitchen and I fixed them a bowl of Strawberry cheesecake ice cream. Suddenly the dorbell rang. “right on time I thought” I knew it was the police. “stay here yall”. I walked slowly to the front door and opened it and sure enough there stood the a fireman and a police officer.
“are you aware that you vehicle is on fire”
“yep” I said lighting a cigarette
“are you aware that it is illegal to burn anything in city limits?”
“yep”
“well sir we are going to put the car out, I guess we cant take you to jail because its yours but I am gonna write you a citation”
“fine”
“now why would go and burn a car that cost more than I make in 4 years”
“you wouldn’t understand” I said taking the ticket from his hand and slamming the door. I retuned to the kitchen with the children and our lives returned to normal. I had the car towed away the next morning and a crew came and cleaned the driveway.
I hadn’t laid eyes on Malik in 2 weeks when my phone rang
“skye can I come get my stuff”
“sure “I chuckled hanging up in him
He arrived an hour later with Eva on his heels. I noticed she was driving a BMW X6 “cute, I guess he upgraded you from that raggedy ass Honda” I thought.
“Skye im not here to argue im just here to get my clothes and the Aston you can keep the 745 I don’t need it.”
“he he he fine by me sweetie just hurry up”
“where are my kids, at my mothers house, the new one I bought her with your money”
“YOU BOUGHT A FUCKING…I know your angry but I don’t have it llike that anymore”
“trust me baby I know you don’t” I said in an eerily calm tone.
Malik climbed the stairs to the bedroom and I questioned the ho, I mean Eva
“so how did you meet Malik”
“at work”
“o you’re the ho…he he I mean secretary”
“uh huh yea”
“well you look much better since the last time I saw you, nice weave”
“thank you I think”
“you welcome I just hope you didn’t marry him for the money” I cackled
“SKYE WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES” Malik yelled running down the stairs holding a wife beater that I must have forgotten to burn. I didn’t reply instead I just laughed.
“you proly did some fag shit and cut em up”
“I did you one better”
“Fuck you Skye just give me the keys to my Aston and open the garage door”
“Its not in the garage”
“I know you didn’t park my baby out in the Chicago weather”
“sorta”
Becoming enraged he ran out outside with the garage door opener. One by one he opened all three door and what a surprise no Aston.
“Skye where is my car, please don’t play with me” He yelled as Eva emerged from the house
“I burned it” I said coldly
“what did you bitch!” he yelled
“I said I burned it!” I repeated with an evil chuckle
“im going to kill you”
“no you not, now take your hoe and leave my house, you know the one you signed over.”
“where is the BMW then”
“I sold it”
“im gonna sue your ass” he said getting in the car with Eva.
“Toddles” I added flipping them off.
I walked back in the house and told the children to come upstairs from the basement for dinner
“Was that malik” Giselle asked
“yes, honey it was and he is you father so don’t call him that”
“you’re my daddy” she said
“and so is he baby” I replied sitting down at the table to eat the lasagna that had been baking in the oven. I uncorked a bottle of Merlot and sat at the breakfast bar to reflect on how good it felt to hurt Malik. It was then that I decided to call Chance.
“Hello”
“Skye?”
“yea”
“whats up cutie, did you get rid of that flake yet”
“I sure did, he doesn’t live here anymore”
“cool well I happen to be in Beverly at a friends house ill be there in like 5 min”
Five minuets later he and I joined the children at the dinner table.
“ Im Chance” he said to the children
“nice to meet you Mr Chance” Jr politely responded with a smile
“no Mr just Chance, they are so well behaved” he added looking at me
“are you my new daddy” Giselle asked as serious as a heart attack
“no child” I laughed
“what your name little miss” Chance asked with a smile
“Im Giselle and that’s my daddy” she said like an angel
The night couldn’t have been more perfect. Dinner felt like…well family. The children loved Chance and I love being with him. I went upstairs and tucked the children in for bed and joined Malik in the Living room for a bottle of Moscato and converstion. He wanted to know what had happened between Malik and I after he left. I told him the whole crazy story. He just would not accept that I had “burned that man’s masterpiece” We finshed up the night with a movie in the theater my favorite “confessions of a shopaholic”. The night ended with a kiss just before he turned to walk to his car.
“I love your kids, and I want to love you” he added ducking into his car.
Maybe I had a chance at happiness but I was still so angry at malik. I wanted more revenge. I was still hurting on the inside even though I hid it with anger. I felt like we were traveling on cloud nine until he kicked me of sending me plummeting to earth. I decided that the next morning the kids and I were going to church. So I climbed the stairs and settled in to bed. “god I love pay back” I said aloud to the celing before I turned over and went to sleep.

I woke up the next morning more pissed off than ever. I just couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that my lover of 5 years had just walked out on me. I worried I was becoming one of those psycho bitches like Lynne Whitfield in “a ThinLine Between Love and Hate. I had to admit, I want to hurt him, physically. My mind went into auto pilot, scheming up everything from murder plots to running him off the road. It was official I was scorned and I was mad as hell about it.
“I need to do to church” I said getting up to brush my teeth.
Moments later the phone rang
“Hello” I said still sounding slightly flustered from my brainstorm
“Hey babe” Chance said with a smile that I could hear thru the phone.My spirits lifted
“Hey boo boo, whats going on”
“nothing much, aye I was hopin you and da kids were up cause I want yall to go to church wit me”
“aww did you just invite me to church”
“yea and shawty and my babies too”
“funny you would call this morning I was just about to get the kids up so we could head to Cosmo”
“you were going to Cosmo, no baby we are going to Sweet Holy Spirit”
“ok sounds good”
“Lets see its 9 now ill be there by 10 45, so be ready church statrs at 11 30.”
With that we hung up the phone and something beautiful began. For the next 3 weeks we spent every moment together. He fell in love with my kids and they loved him, It had been a long time since our family had been that happy. Yes, everything was great until a knock at the door brought our Carousel to a grinding halt. Chance who was sitting at the table opening the mail answered the door.
“Skye” he yelled “there is some white man here to see you”
I walked to the front door
“yes can I help you”
“yes. Jaylen Skye?”
“yes sir”
“I have a delivery for you if you would just sign here.”
I took the pen and signed the paper
“thank you Mr Skye Consider yourself served” he said with a smile handing me a subpoena.
I slammed the door in his face and returned to the kitchen to read the letter. It informed me that Malik was suing me for the Depreciated value of the Aston BMW and all of his clothes. Before I could finish the letter Chance was on his phone calling his lawyer for me. While he chatted I weighed my options, maybe I could just convince Malik to come back and stop all of this mess…HELL NAW
“baby whats wrong, don’t worry daddy’s got ya, we are meeting my lawyer tomorrow”
The next morning I left the children with Fatima while Chance and I went to the law offices of William Bourgeois and assoc. “with a name a name like that he better be good” I thought. His office was lovely, contempary stand alone building made completely of steel glass and concrete. Inside the receptionist was very helpful and we were taken right back to Mr. Bourgeois’ office. We he joined us omonets leter whe introduced ourselves to one another and got down to business.
“Mr skye im a divorce attorney by trade so I speacilize in playing dirty, legally. So lets make the law work for you, so let me get this straight Mr Malik Carter Alleges that you did burn his Aston-Martin Rapid with all of his clothes in it?” He looked up at me with a smile
“I sure did”
He began to laugh hysterically “Mr Skye I have had some angry women in here but NONE of them had the nerve to burn their husbands two-hundred thousand dollar car. Even whats her name from that movie, she only burned a BMW.” He said continuing to laught as Chance and I joined in.
“ha, im sorry, ok back to business. Here is what we are going to do. Since you adopted the childen you have full parental rights, We are going to serve him at work in the middle of a Firm meeting with child support papers additionally I understand that he is driving a Mercedes Cl600 that was a girt to you and is subsequently in your name, we will have that picked up from his job on the same day that we have him served. Turn off his cell phone and I have looked through he financial documents at work, you own a majority share and therefore have a spot on the board, use it. Don’t fire him though you need to make sure he can pay you”
“I like the way you talk” I said relived
“Give a week to set all of this up and don’t fret illl join you at the hearing for the car, they cant prove you burned it because the car is gone and the police did not note the make and modle on you citation”
“Great I will be in contact” Chance said
“thank you” I added along with a hand shake.
I couldn’t explain why but I was no longer angry, I felt like a weight had been lifted. I had just hired on of the Dirtiest divorce attorneys in the city and my boyfriend was paying for it.
Just as promised one week later my Lawyer and new best friend delivered just like he promised. Shortly after 3pm I received a call from Malik
“Skye do you think this shit is funny, child support?”
“hell yea partna”
“they my damn kids”
“wrong they were before you pushed me to adopt them, they are my babies now and you haven been to see them in weeks”
“that’s because I don’t want to see you yo crazy …wait I gotta tow I mean go, they towin my benz”
“thank you”
“what the fuck that mean”
“did you forget that was in my names FOOL!, call that bitch to come get you”
“ you bitch im gonna…”
I closed the phone laughing pleased with the scene that I had created on his job. I called to tell Chance but he didn’t answer so I left him a little message and joined the kids on the couch to watch “the wiz”
I had just started to drift off to sleep when there was a knock at the door
“Jaylen Skye” the well dressed white man said
“yes” I answered dryly anticipating his next words
“im being served again arent I?”
“yes sir im so sorry if you could sign…”
I snatched the pen and scribble something that resembled a signature, snatched the manila envelope and slammed the door.
“whats wrong daddy” the kid said startled by the door
“nothing babies” I lied as I went to the living room to open the letter.
Inside the envelope I found a letter informing me that I had 15 days to vacate my home, it was an eviction notice from Malik. It turned out that he had not signed the house over to me, just one of the many lies he told. The tears began to roll, I picked up my cell to call Chance again but instead it rang.
“Hello” I said sorely
“ha ha bitch I got you”
“guess you can go live with that nigga of yours” He said laughing and hung up the phone. I had two kids and in 15 days I would be homeless, how could he do this to me? What was I going to do and where in the hell was Chance?

I met with my lawyer the following day and he basically told me there was nothing that we could do about the eviction proceedings except ask for an increase on child support at the hearing. I walked back to my car in daze. I got in and closed the door and dropped my head on the steering wheel. All I could do was cry I didn’t know what to do. Since Fatima was picking was picking the kids up from school I swallowed a huge piece of humble pie and called my mother. When she answered the sound of her voice cause me to break down even more, it had been six months since we had talked. I hadn’t been able to see her since I secretly bought her the house.
“Jaylen?”
“yea its me ma”
“whats wrong baby” she said with concern
“mommy Malik and I broke up and he is taking the house”
“I told you that nigga was no good, well baby you knpw you can always come home. I mean, I know its been a while since we’ve talked but momma will always be momma and home will always be home”
“I know mommy but theres more, I told you he had three kids…”
I went on to tell the story of my existence for the past year of so and she still insisted that me and the children come home to live with her. After I ended the call with my mom I felt a little better. I decided to call Chance again.
“hello”
“hey Chance whats going on I havent talked…” he cut me off
“listen let me call you right back, better yet ill just meet you at your house we gotta talk”
Fatima called a few minuets later to tell me that she was taking the kids to aquarium after school. “perfect” I thought it would just be chance and I
Two hours later around 1 pm chance rang the doorbell. We decided to wit in the Great room to talk.
“can I have a drink?”
“what you want?”
“rum and coke, and you might want to pour yourself a drink too”
His tone suggested that I would not enjoy the topic of conversation on this particular day.
“well I have something to tell you first”
I began making his rim and coke and a Disarono on the rocks for myself.
“Malik evicting me fomr this house”
“but I thought you owned it”
“me too, he lied”
“well you know I will do what I can to help you find a place”
“well I was kinda hoping I could stay with you until this mess is over” I said as I was I retuning to the sofa he placed his hand on my leg and hung his head.
“Skye that is sorta what I want to talk to you about, first imma be real I ont really talk like this. Im from buckhead im not ghetto. I already run my own studio and that why I have do much dough”
“well that’s not that serious babe”
“that’s not all” his tone suggested that I should prepare for the worst
“I told you I have a son, but im married and my wife just had another child. I was thinnking about leaving her for you, but what kind of man would I be if I left my wife in the same position that yo nigga left you?”
I felt my heat break into a million pieces.
“ Chance you led me on, I am falling in love with you and you tell me this? How am I suppose to take this, you still did what Malik did, you broke my heart”
“Skye im so sorry maybe in the future we can…”
“fuck the future Chance I need you now, just leave!”
“C’mon babe…”
“don’t call me that”
“ok SKYE don’t be like this I already paid for all of Mr. Bourgeois service and I will support you financially, I don’t think you understand I love you, I really do, but I cant leave my wife with MY newborn child, if you want ill buy you a house, just don’t turn your back on me man”
“I hear you, NOW LEAVE”
Chance put his hat back on with a sigh and stod up to walk towards the door. I didn’t say a word I just stood up and watched him walk away. When he reached the door he looked back at me and shook his head.
“I FUCKIN LOVE YOU MAN!” he said as he came running back into the room and delived a kiss that knocked me off of my feet.
“I love you too, but i cant have you” I said pushing him away
“aight man” he said as he walked out of the door slamming it behind him. I walked to the window and watch him walk towards his car yelling and waving his hands, I wished I had known what he was saying but it would have helped to heal my broken heart. I walked upstairs and sat at the vanity in the bedroom looking at myself.
“I think im beautiful, maybe im wrong. These men keep dooing the same shit to me” I said as the tears began to fall “I guess ill be alone forever, 2 kids broke and alone.” I walked over to the bed and laid down. Still thinking about our conversation. I awoke a few hours late to a presence in the bed with me. When I opened my eyes it was my baby girl cuddled beside me sleeping like an angel and at the foot of the bed stood Malik jr. He smiled and said
“I love you daddy!”
“I love you too baby”
That night the three of us slept together and the love of my children was just want I needed to help me get through the night.
The end of my fifteen days fell on a Wednesday. Since Chance came clean I spent my days packing to move my children and myself into my mothers home. I had applied for section 8. I never thought that I would end up in the place where I found myself. But I had to do what ever it was going to take to make the best out of a bad situation.
About a week after I moved in with my mother the hearing for the car had come. I put on my best Italian suit and strolled into court. By the time the proceeding had ended I was cleared of any monetary obligation and avoided arson charges. Chance was in court room as well, when I was on my way out I looked at him, rolled my eyes and walked out. Chance had been calling nonstop for the past two weeks but I ignored all of his call and deleted his voicemails without listening to them. I considered my self done with him and all men for the time being.
I settled in nicely at my mothers house, she loved having me back and he grandchildren became her life. Malik called the house one day, to this day I don’t know how he found my mothers number, and asked to take the children out. Reluctantly I agreed, there were after all his children. The next morning he showed up on the doorstep around 10 am. I still wanted to hurt him.
“Hello skye”
“Malik” I said coldly calling the children downstairs
“hang on a sec, can we talk?”
“why not” I sighed directing him to the den
He sat in on chair and I sat in another.
“Skye, I hate that all of this has gone down between us. You know I still love you, I just cant be that anymore. But you know there will be another that will love you the way I do or put it down in the bed…”
“ENOUGH! What is this all for? Make your point and make it quick”
“Fine, look the custody hearing is next week and I don’t want to take the kids from you, but if don’t agree to joint custody or at least let me take my son, im gonna request full parental rights, and lets face it you don’t work, you live with your mother, and you’re a single gay man, im gonna win”
“are you threatening me? Fuck you Malik, be good to my children and bring them back by 8 tonight” I said looking at my watch
“fine im gonna rake you over the coals in court, I was tryin to be nice to you but your still the bitch I left with nothing” he laughed. I clenched my fists in rage just as Giselle and Jr walked into the room.
“hey Malik” the both said
“what did I tell you guys about that, at least say MR” I laughed
I dropped a cell in Malik’s bag and sent then on their way. I left to go shopping and then chior rehearsal. When I arrived how around 11 I expected the children to be at home in bed. They were not.
“mom where are the kids”
“they havent come back yet”
“ma its 11” I said becoming irritated and picking up the phone to call Malik.
“I know baby me too”
“hol on im about to call him” After a few rings I got his voicemail and after about 5 call it was obvious what was going on, he was tryin to kidnap my babies.
“should I call the police” my mom said wearing a look of worry
“no ma, after 5 years of raising kids I developed a mothers intuition I knew this was going to happen and I planned ahead, I put my blackberry in Malik Jrs bookbag” I said pulling out my Iphone. I selected the locator app. Moments later I had an address 48 minuets away in Winnetka, IL. My mother and I got in the Saab and we were on our way . I almost wrecked my car when I pulled up on the house that fit the address. It looked almost exactly like the house in the movie home alone. In the drive way was a car that resembled the on that Malik had been driving. I put on a hat, walked up to the door and rang the bell.
“who is it” a female voice called
“Pizza”
“I didn’t order a…hold on let me get a…key”
She opened the door and there stood Eva, I had the right house for sure. I forced my way into the foyer closing the door behind me.
“MALIK, BRING YO STUPID ASS IN HERE”
“daddy!!!!” Giselle said running down the stairs followed by her brother
“hey babies go get in the car with grandma ill be right out”
Suddely Malik came running down the stairs and picked both of them up under is massive arms. Both of the children began to scream “daddy, daddy” their cies pushed me to a place of anger that I had never been to.
“ Malik let my children do right now of I will cause some serious damage”
“what you gonna do” Eva Said. I shoved her out of the way to get closer to Malik. Everyone was startled when the front door swung open. There stood my mother, pistol in hand.


“now I was gonna stand outside, but I think you heard my son ask for his children, let them go…cover your ears children” they both did as they were told “or im gonna fuck this house UP, do you understand me young man?”
Malik released the children and they ran outside. My mother closed the door behind them.
“imma make this real quick don’t try anything else or you will have t deal with me”
I grabbed my mothers forearm and led her out of the door. The ride home was a lesson on curse words for the children as their grandmother told me exactly what she thought about the whole situation in no uncertain terms.

The two years that followed that incident were filled with motion after motion from my and Malik’s lawyers. I drove past my old house a few times and the house still stood vacant. The children and I still lived at my mothers house and I had yet to begin working, instead I had started med school and we lived off the child support that Malik had been ordered to pay me until the final Custody hearing. The money was substantial, I would have been able to maintain my lifestyle in Beverly but until the Hearing the money was uncertain. After 12 total motions to continue, both sides had run out of excuses and on a Monday morning The children my mother and I I set out for the court house. When we arrived found Malik and Eva already seated at the table with their counsel. Mr. Bourgeois and his team showed up moments later and the hearing commenced. The judge looked over all the information presented and took the children into his chambers to see where they wanted to live. After 3 hours the judge emerged from his Chambers to deliver his decision.
“all rise” the bailiff said. My heart began to race this was the moment of truth.
“Mr. Carter you have proven to be financially stable and parentally fit for custody however the children do not wish to live with you, Mr. Skye you have proven to be the parent that is best suited to raise the children morally however, you are financially unstable and without a residence of your own. I have also taken into consideration the events of June 29, 2011 when you Mr. Skye and your mother did cause a domestic disturbance at the residence of Mr. and Ms Carter….”
“be you honor he was attempting to…” I blurted out
“silence while am rendering my verdict or you will be held in contempt” he interrupted
“It is the decision of this court that sole parental custody be granted to Mr and Ms Carter The children are to be released to them no later that 5 pm today with all of their possessions, if you wish to contest my decision you have 2 weeks to file an appeal. That is my decision.” he said slamming the gavel and walking back to his chambers. The court room was silent aside from the nearly silent weeping of my mother. I was numb, I couldn’t react, I didn’t know how. Malik approached the table to shake my hand, had we not been in the presence of so many sheriffs I would have slapped him, instead I took my kids hands and walked out. On the ride home I did my best to explain to my babies what was going on. Giselle cried and Jr begged me to let him stay. It killed me not to be able to do anything but I had no choice. When I got home I tearfully packed all of their belongings and joined them and my mother downstairs on the couch. Malik arrived around 4:30 to pick them up
“I told you to let me keep my son or I would make this hard, this hurts me too” Malik said sitting down on the sofa.
“Malik, I have no respect for you, you took my home my kids and you broke my heart. This is not over but I don’t ever want to see you again. All of the love for you that remained died when that man slammed that gavel. Just leave. Please just leave. For once Malik did just as I asked. He took the children’s hands and walked them outside, I watched from the front window waving at my babies as they climbed into the car. I held it together long enough for them to pull out of the driveway. Once the car was out of view I collapsed in pain to the floor. My mother tried to comfort me but there was nothing she could do. My lawyer filed an appeal but the same game of motion after motion began again. I spent the next couple months in seclusion. I woke up cried ate slept cried ate and slept again. Before I knew it 6 months had past, I had gained 25 pounds, my hairs hadn’t been braided since the kids left and my beard looked like a mountain man. My om became worried and she took matters into her own hands. One day as I lay in repose dreaming of death a familiar voice called from the end of my bed.
“Skye, baby get up”
I opened my eyes and there stood Chance. I said nothing I just cried.
“baby you cant live like this you gotta get yourself together. I took two of your cars and washed them but I saved one so that I could bring you with me. I left the Saab dirty so we can take it back to the place where we met and start over, im divorced and im ready to make this thing work.”
“I love you Chance”
“I love you too” he said opening the blinds “damn you tore up” he laughed “im just kidding your mom told me you needed a pick-me-up, my ex wife is downstairs to braid your hair. I want you to meet her she is dying to meet you”
I cleaned myself up as much as I could and joined everyone downstairs. Chances Ex was beautiful he name was Lauren she was light skinned and built like a slimmer Beyonce, I couldn’t help but make the connection because she sort of looked like her. I sat down and she began greasing my scalp and the long task of braiding my long nappy hair. We exchanged incredible conversation she talked about her kids and I talked about mine she told me about her new husband and I made up excuses for my appearance. Before the night was over I had a new best friend and the perfect man. All that was left was to get my children back.
Chance and visited the lawyer the next day and he was just as mad as I was.
“Its time to play dirty! There is a board meeting today at 6 I need you to be there, Don’t forget you hold a majority share second only to the CEO. The book show that Malik transferred most of his shares into your name to avoid tax penalty that is illegal. But you don’t worry about that. I want you to fire Malik TODAY! If he wants his job back he will have to give you the children.”
“bravo, gotta go home and get dressed” I bubbled. I went back home but on my favorite Gucci suit and wing tips. Chance returned looking like the business man that he was for a change wearing a black suit that was tailored so well that it appeared to have been painted on to his body. “lets do this” he said with a smile.
I walked into Becker Carter and Phillips with my head held high and my briefcase in hand. I explained to the board my position and showed then the verify documents. The offered chance and I a glass of brandy and the meeting began. About 15 minuets later Malik Walked in
“pardon me I had a meeting with a client”
“Ah Mr. carter just the man I wanted to see” Mr. Becker the CEO said with a grim
“what about sir” Malik said looking around the table. His eyes almost popped out of his head when he saw me. “what are you doing here?” he mouthed across the table. I turned my head as the lights dimmed and the PowerPoint began.
“Mr. Carter this graph shows your performance over the last 2 quarters, you have lost some major clients, is there some sort of a problem?”
“no sir just a bad economy” he replied timidly
“Mr. Becker I f I may”
“of course go ahead”
“I have reviewed Mr. Carter’s performance and I don’t think that it is in the best interest of the company to keep him in such a high position”
“funny you should say that I have arrive at the same conclusion thank you Mr. Skye” he said motioning for me to take my seat.
“it is my recommendation to demote Mr. Carter to a Claims position Downstairs for a probationary period of ummm let say one year while we monitor him and decide upon his future with this firm, all in favor”
All in the room agreed and with that Malik who had been making 400,000 per year (plus quarterly bonues) was demoted to a desk job making only 45,000. I picked up my briefcase and Chance and I Walked out. Moments later Malik called
“you fucking bitch, that was low”
“so was taking my kids”
“how am I gonna take care of them”
“I don’t know but when I sell thoses shares you forgot to take out of my name I will never have to work again”
“what do you want from me?”
“I want my children”
“if I do this can I see them on the weekends?”
“maybe if you give me my house back”
“DONE, ill call my lawyer now please Skye just give me my job back I cant support myself on 45 a year”
“ok I got you” I said closing the phone.
I was careful not to give him a time frame, he wanted his jab and he was going to get it, on year from today. I would make sure that I showed up to vote him back in but only after he loses his house, his wife cars and money. I received a letter the following week notifying me of a custody hearing and the keys to my home arrived by courier the next day. By the end of the week chance and I had moved our things in and redecorated.
The hearing was held on a rainy Thursday morning and by the time it was over my babies were coming home. Malik asked me when would talk to the board and recommend him for his job.
“one year from last Tuesday” I said coldly.
“you tricked me”
“no I did exactly what you did to me payback is a bitch aint it?”
“im gonna fuc..”
“ah ah ah, im you boss remember?”
With that I took Jr took Chances hand, Chance grabbed mind and I took baby girl’s hand and like family we walked out of the building.

After the custody hearing life for chance, the children and I once again fell into a pattern. Life was good Chance was a better father than I could have ever imagined. Lauren and became the best of friends dinner dates and play dates were the regular. Every Wednesday we met and had lunch at a different café. Life for me was good but life for malik was a different story entirely. I had heard thru the grapevine that little Miss Eva had left him for another man. The finance companies on all of his cars kept calling me to find him and a mutual friend told me that he had lost the house. It had been 6 months since I had gotten him demoted and he had only taken the children for his weekend visit every other week once. It was a Friday afternoon when he called to ask if he could take the kids for the weekend, I agreed, Chance and I had dinner reservations and they were suppose to spend the night with Lauren so why not. He arrived the next morning around 7:00. When the doorbell rand I opened the door and the stood a frugally dressed Malik.
“Hello Malik how are you”
“Ive been better, but im making it”
“ok let me call the kids…”
“Wait can we talk for a minute!”
“sure” I said inviting him into the greatroom”
“would you like something to drink”
“nah im fine, look the truth is im stuggling” he said sitting on the sofa “I am barely making my house payments, Eva left me and I lost all of my cars. I told you I couldn’t make it on 45 a year so I just…baby let me come home and work all this out, I know your not happy with that nigga, whats his name”
“CHANCE, chance is his name. Have you lost your mind, Malik you left me alone with you kids broke, you put me out of my house and to add insult to injury you tried to take my babies so that bitch could raise them. Well where is she now, she was there when the money was good but now the bitch is gone. Do you really think im gonna leave the best man I have ever had to come back to you, Hell naw”
“well at least get me my job back”
“I told you after 1 year, you got 6 months to go. I want you to know what its like to suffer for a year. Now if this is what you came over here for you can leave but if you want to spend some time with you kids then im about to go get them!”
I ran upstairs, got the kids and their bags and brought them down to the great room. I watched from the window as Malik and the children go into what appeared to be an older Honda accord. It bothered me to see a man like Malik SO humbled but at the same time I was happy he knew what it was like. Later that night chance and I Went to dinner in Hollywood, celebrities were everywhere and given Chance’s ties with the record industry many of them seemed to know them it was a night to rmemeber. After dinner we drove up into the hills near the Hollywood sight and opened the sunroof on th R8. As we gazed at the stars I couldn’t help but wonder what was on his mind.
“What ya thinking about baby” I said turning the car off
“you” he said as if on a cloud
“what about me”
“how much I love you, how my life would be worthless without you and my kids, all four of them.” He turned to look me in the eyes “baby I have never felt this way about anyone not even Lauren I told her how I felt the other day and she said that you were the best thing that ever happened to me and she is right” I was overcome with emotion as he continued. I fell like walking lets take a walk” he said getting out of the car to open my door. We walked further up the hill under the full moon and continued our conversation.
“What is on you mind babe” he asked with a smile
“the way my soul want to blend with yours, and how I feel like theres no air when you are away from me. God I love you so much and I want you forever”
“that’s exactly what I hoped you would say, lets go home I have to give you something”
I knew that it was a ring, everything about that night seemed right, perfect in fact, if such a thing exists.
When we got home we fell in the door with our lips locked after allt his time together chance and I had never made love and it seemed like this was going to be the night. All I could think about was what my ring was going to look like. Our kiss continued as we stumbled up the stairs in our empty home. We burst in to the bedroom an I was startled by the sound of running water,
“something wrong babe”
“I hear water”
“I know”
He lead me into the master bath where the garden tub greeted us filled with bubbles. The room was softly lit with hundreds of candles and rose petal covers the travertine floors. Standing in the corner was a butler.
“Is everything to you Mr Williams”
“Yes Benson you nay be excused”
“of course sir” he said walking out of the room.
“You got me a butler?”
“only if you want o keep him, I want the best for me wifey”
We began kissing once again as he slowly removed our clothes and eased into the steaming bathwater, We talked and kiss, kissed and played. When he looked into my eyes I felt like I was going to melt.
“I want to marry you” I said almost in a trance
“huh, what do you mean?” he said sounding confused the mood was broken
“don’t you wan to marry me?”
“baby you know I don’t believe in that”
The conversation continued and I got up and walked out of the bathroom mad and embarrassed. I want downstairs to pour myself a drink. I pulled the already opened bottle of Moet from the refrigerator and began to pour, in my daze I must not have heard the 20 karat Harry Winston fall into my glass. The ring touched my lips and as I pulled the glass away to see wht was in my drink chance emerged from the shadows.
“Ill always be on step ahead of you, I know you like the back of my hand. Of course I want to spend my life with you and my kids and l.ive happily ever after, I kow your still mad about the tub (he giggled) but if you will marry me ill be the happiest man alive, so what do you say” he said easing to on knee
I had waited for this moment forever and it was more perfect that I could have ever imagined and as I looked deep into his eyes, I said yes. We shared a passionate kiss as both of our towels hit the floor, He picked me up and sat me on the cold granite countertops and pushed my legs back revealing my anxiously awaiting door. He knocked and entered with him tongue servicing to the brink of ecstasy.
“I have been dying to make love to you” he said between slurps. A short while later he rose from his pleasure trip and look me deep into my eyes and said “Tonight we are gonna be one”
It was then that he began to slide his love muscle into my wetness. My toes curled in extsacy as we made love for over 2 hours all ove the kitchen and the greatroom, We ended up in from of the burning fire place naked and embracing while staring deep into one anothers eyes. When I awoke the next morning I found myself loving tucked in my bed beside my fiancee. Life was perfect. You know the one thing about life is that it never stays that way.
My phone rand that night around 10 pm.
“hello”
“yes this is Mr Skye”
“HE WHAT?”
“Im on my way right now”
“are you still in the same place”
“ok me and you father are coming”
I burst into the theater where chance was hald asleep watching scarface
“baby”
“huh what”
“wake up boo we gottta go”
“just wake up and meet me in the garage I we gotta go get the kids”
“well where are they baby”
“just come on ill tell you in the car”
I ran back upstairs and grabbed my gun, I had the feeling this too was going to be a night to remember.

The call from Lauren had brought an end to the most beautiful night of my life. Chance and I were now speeding toward the west side with no idea what we would find when we arrived. Lauren’s voice bore a sound of desperation and panic. All she had managed to tell me was that there was something wrong with Chances son DJ and that they were on Cicero and Madison. Chance still had no idea I didn’t have the heart to tell him what the call had been about. When we arrived the snowflakes that fell around the scene were tinted an eerie blue color by the gaggle of police cars that blocked off the road. I immediately flashed back to the night Rasheeda and Justyce had died. I put on my coat and scarf and climbed out of the car, I instinctively grabbed chances had as we approached the yellow crime tape. Through the madness I could see Laurens late model Lexus sitting in the middle of the road alone. We were just about to cross the crime tape when a police officer abruptly stopped our procession.
“this is a crime scene I’m sorry can I help you”
“yea what happened” I said shivering to my bones.
“there was a shooting it appears the suspect was attempting to car jack the lady in the car we are looking for her family now”
“THAT’S LAURENS CAR” Chance shouted awaking from his daze. “officer that’s my ex-wife’s car. Her name is Lauren Harris”
“come with me sir, but only you” the officer said to chance.
“this is my husband, where I go he goes” chance insisted
With a look of disgust the officer agreed. We approached a running police car and in the back seat we found a disheveled Lauren staring out the window.
“Lauren, honey what happened” I said softly
“where are the kids Lauren” Chance said obviously worried
“let me handle this” I murmured through my teeth
“two guys tried to take my car I refused and ran the light before I could get thru the intersection the shot up the back of the car, DJ was, he‘s…”her sentence faded into gibberish as she began to sob.
“Lauren where is DJ please just tell me my son is alive he’s alive isn’t he?” Chance said with tears forming in his eyes
“they just took him” She said in a daze
“took him where” chance said between sniffles as I walk over to a nearby officer to ask where DJ had been taken. He told me he had been taken to Stroger downtown. I told him we would be taking Lauren and he agreed. We coaxed Lauren out of the back of the police car and walked her over to our car. I got in the drivers seat and sped with a police escort to the hospital. As soon as we arrived we were taken to the trauma unit. About an hour later a surgeon emerged from the double doors removing his had. He stood before the three of us knelt.
“I understand that you are the mother and father, I’m Doctor Henning, may I ask who this gentleman is”
“this is my husband, now where is my son” Chance said
“Well sir we did all we could one bullet entered through his upper back and tore this aorta the other caused severe damage to the left lung, we were able to re-inflate the lung however we were unable to repair the aorta, I’m so sorry” He finished hanging his head.
Lauren said nothing she just continued to cry.
“so your telling me my son, my son is…dead?” Chance said laying his head on my shoulder to cry.
“I understand this is a really bad time but someone has to come and identify the body”
“I cant see my son like that” chance cried
“I cant, I wont” Lauren sobbed
“I’ll go” I said solemnly
“follow me”
I followed the doctor down a long series of hall ways to a back elevator. We descended to the basement level. As I watched the numbers got lower I could fell the temperature dropping. My heart raced with anxiety, I didn’t know what to expect, I had never identified a body before. When we exited the elevator it felt as if we had entered the chilly reverse of hell. The sign that hung overhead bearing the word ‘Morgue’ almost sickened me to my stomach. We walked through a series of double door.
“wait here” doctor Henning said
I found a chair and no sooner than I would sit down another man entered the room.
“I’m Dr. Ramis im the medical examiner would you follow me”
I followed him through another set of doors and it seemed as if I had walked onto the set of the latest law and order. The walls were lined with stainless steel doors.
“123.122. Ah 121” Dr Ramis mumbled to himself
HE pulled the tray out and through the white sheet I could se the faint outline of a child’s body. Ramis motioned for me to come over, I stood opposite from him.
“are you ready?” he said
After a pause and a deep breath “yes”
He pulled back the sheet and there lay the pale exact copy of my husband.
“that’s him” I said as the gravity of the situation hit me. I knew I had to be strong so I pulled myself together and joined the others upstairs. Lauren and Chance were now accompanied by Laurens husband Charles. I couldn’t help but notice how attractive he was. He was chocolate brown and looked like he had taken steroids most of his life, not the type you want to encounter in a dark alley. After a few moments we parted ways. Lauren went home with her husband and Chance and I Headed to the house. Chance didn’t have much to say but I really couldn’t blame him. That night he laid on my chest and comforted him. Once he had fallen asleep doorbell sounded. I gently eased myself out of the bed and ran downstairs to get the door. When I opened it there stood Malik and my children.
“Thank you so much for this baby, I really missed my kids” he said inviting himself in
“I’m not your baby, and your welcome but you gotta go tonight is not the night”
“the night for what I just want to talk to you” he said grabbing my ass
“Kids go upstairs to you rooms” I said cheerfully
“look Malik tonight is not the nigh for this shit so just stop it”
“what daddy isn’t here to protect you” he said kissing me on my lips” I struggled to escape his powerful grasp when Chance delivered a punch to Malik’s jaw that sent him flying into the door
“tonight is not the night dude goodnight!” he said pushing Malik out of the door and locking it behind him.
“c’mon babe lets go to bed”
We climbed the stairs and when we reached our bed it was already occupied. Jr and Giselle were sprawled out in the throws of sleep. We joined them and just like they had brought me peace the night Malik left me, I think the love of his family kept Chance that night.
The next morning the murder was all over the television and by the evening news they had two suspects. Chance and I Rejoiced as we made preparations to head to the funeral home the next day. Lauren and Charles were not financially able to pay for the funeral so Chance and I without hesitation agreed to plan and pay for it to take some of the burden off of Lauren who still hadn’t spoken since she left the hospital.
The next morning we dropped the kids off with my mother and headed to the funeral home. It was a really creepy experience. We decided the funeral would be held at sweet holy and we spared no expense, the finest casket suit motorcade and everything. The funeral was set for two days later. I was happy to walk out of the freezing cold building confident that I wouldn’t be back for a long time. The old people always say if you want to hear god laugh, TELL HIM YOUR PLANS!

The church was a sea of black suites and huge hats as the family entered the sanctuary. Lauren had to be held up as she stood before the open casket, she let out a wail and became weak at the site of her fallen child. Chance placed his hand across my back as we pause at the casket for our turn to view his son lying in sweet repose. I couldn’t help but wonder what exactly must have been going thru his head, He had spent the last week trying to make sure I was ok, I began to worry that he was a fragile piece of cracked glass just waiting to crack under the pressure. We found our seats in the second row marked reserved in the large crowded church. Chance held my hand for most of the service and I comforted Lauren as she struggled to maintain her composure. The time came for remarks, so many people had so many nice things to say about the family. I honestly was just ready for all of it to be over, it was overwhelming it seemed like the last few years of my life had been consumed by tragedy and if chance felt anything like I did neither one of us would be able to shoulder another burden. The funeral ended and we buried DJ just before sundown. Chance and I had decided that Lauren would not want to suffer through a dinner at the church so instead we invited Lauren and Chance’s Parents, my mother a a few friends over to have a small dinner in DJ’s honor that night.
Dinner ended around 9:30 and everyone went home. Given the stress of the past week I had decided to keep Benson and his services were coming in handy, Chance and I left him to clean the kitchen and headed upstairs. I showered and climbed in bed to read Vogue. After a long shower chance walk into the bedroom soaking wet with a crazed but sad look on his face.
“Babe what’s wrong?” I asked slightly startled
“my son is dead” he said as the words ripped out his soul
“come here baby” I said reaching out my arms “just lay here with me”
He climbed into the bed as the sheets stuck to his wet muscular body.
“I love you so much, I don’t know what I would have done without you, and I want to thank you for being there for Lauren and Charles like I couldn’t. I tried to be strong but this is just too much, I cant take anymore.” He said crying, something I had never heard him do.
“Babe you are my everything and you know ill always be here for you, what I did for Lauren and charles I did because I love them, I know you want to be here for me, but ill be alright baby I want you to grieve its normal, and its ok.”
That night I held my man for a change, he cried for hours and tossed and turned all night. It hurt me to my heart to see him like that but I knew there was nothing I could do.
The next morning the children returned from their court appointed visit with their father. They seemed to have enjoyed it, oblivious to the tragedy that had befallen their home while they were away. That Friday I got a call that Lauren had been admitted to the hospital. Charles told me that he feared for her life, she wouldn’t speak and had not eaten in 4 days. Once again it was Skye to the rescue. I hopped in the Saab and headed to the hospital without a word to Chance. When I arrived I was met in the lobby by Charles.
“Skye I know we don’t really know each other but I know my wife really loves, and respects you. The doctors are saying if she continues to refuse to eat they are going to insert a feeding tube. I need you to help her snap out of it, we still have a daughter to raise.”
“Charles, you and Lauren are family and im going to do what I can to help you out. I really do understand what she is going through, just take me to the room and let me spend a few minuets with her.”
I followed Charles to up the elevator to a room on the 9th floor of the hospital.
“leave us” I said to Charles as he retreated to the hall way.
I found Lauren looking pale sleeping, I decided to go for broke. I fell to my knees and to what I had been taught to do since I was a child, I called on Jesus. My quiet sobs must have awakened Lauren.
“Skye is that you”
“yes girl it is” I said wiping away my tears
“what are you doing here”
“you know you are my sister and there is no way im gonna let you go thru this alone, what I do want to know is why Charles had to call me and not you”
“Skye im just so tired, my first is gone, he is dead and I just cant come to grips with it”
“Lauren honey you have to pull yourself together or these people are going to commit, force-feed and medicate you, in that order. So you may not like it but damn it you are going to eat something before I leave this room” I said sounding like my mother “ CHARLES…go get the nurse to bring up dinner.”
“im not hungry”
“you haven’t eaten in 4 days you look awful, you may not be hungry but your body is, you gotta eat something boo.”
“ok fine”
The nurse brought in dinner and just like instructed Lauren ate the food without protest. Over the course of the next 3 days I kept Laurens condition hidden from Chance. The day she was released I stopped by to visit, her color had returned and she seemed to be grieving but sane. I returned home and told Chance about Lauren’s Hospitalization. He was understandably angry that I had not shared her condition with him but he understood my motives. Late that night a call again disturbed our sleep. I awoke first and when I noticed the cordless was missing from the cradle I went back to sleep. My cell rang next, but stopped before I could answer it. Finally Chances cell rang and startled both of us into full coherence as he answered.
“Hello”
“yes Charles do you know it is (looking at the clock) 3:30 in the morning”
“huh”
My heart almost stopped as chance hurled the phone through the window shattering it. He began yelling hysterically and swept everything from the nightstand. I was afraid to asked what the problem was.
“Chance baby what’s wrong”
“Lauren is dead”
“WHAT!?”
“she killed her fuckin self man” chance said with his voice trembling. With that I began shutting down. Its almost like I was in a glass box and things were happening around me. When I came to it was the next day and I again found myself at the Funeral home. I had no idea how I had gotten dressed what car we had driven , where my children were I felt like I had been asleep.
“Babe are you back”
“I think so, was I gone?”
“yea boo you snapped last night after I told you what happened, you do remember don’t you?”
“yes I do”
“ok the kids are with Charles, he is fine he is a little shaken up but with you offline and Charles refusing to take care of this I just decided to…”
“its ok babe they are your children too you don’t have to explain” I interrupted as my mind completed its reboot. We finished the plans and headed over to pick the children up from Charles. When we arrived we sat around and talked for a little while and polished off a bottle of wine. Just as we were leaving Charles asked if we would keep 2 year old Alexandria until the funeral. We happily agreed and returned home. For the next week I enjoyed having a young child again. Chance and I sat down the night before the funeral and discussed the possibility of taking Alexandria in. I agreed that I could handle it and that we could afford it, but I also pointed out that we would be forced to move. We spent the rest of the night looking at houses on the internet.
The funeral was a carbon copy of DJ’s and I barely made it through the ceremony. I was glad that death was behind me. That night we discussed the possibility of Raising Alexandria and Charles quickly refused. The conversation became heated as the topic turned to Lauren. Charles insisted that Alex was his child and Chance lost it.
“what the fuck do you mean your child? Lauren and I were married when she was born”
“and what does that mean, wwe were fuckin”
“Alex is my child and im gonna raise her, ill se you in court”
“you sure will looking stupid when they tell your ass you aint the father”
“yea nigga we will see, get out”
“I was just leaving” Charles said picking up his coat and storming out slamming the door behind him.

The next day Chance got up early to take the kids out shopping. I spent the better part of the day cleaning up while Benson prepared dinner. Around 3pm I got a call from Charles
“Skye, its me Charles, I know your probably still pretty mad about what happened last night but I need you to come over here for a sec” he sobbed
“whats wrong” I question sympathetically
“I cant even say it just come over”
Reluctantly I agreed to make the drive to Lincoln park to check on him. I decided not to tell Chance because I felt it would only complicate an already murky situation. When I arrived he answered the door dressed only in balling shorts and a beater. His broad chest and shoulders stretched his beater to its bare limits, I couldn’t help but notice the insane print that presented itself in the folds of his shorts.
“hi Skye, I found this while I was cleaning out Lauren’s side of the closet” he said tearfully handing me a piece of paper

Charles I love you and Alex and I know that you guys need me here but there is something about this thing that I just cant shake, Along the way I have lost faith in god and I have lost my will to live. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t love you and Alex. I think its better this way so me and DJ can be together again. Tell Skye thank you for everything and tell him that I love him. Make sure chance knows that I love him and Charles I want you to tell him the truth. Im just tired, im tired of living, tired of failing and tired of getting the short end of the stick I just need some rest. I love you, goodbye.
-Lauren Alexandria Harris

I folded the piece of paper and sat down on the sofa as the tears began to roll. Charles quickly joined me and embraced me as he too began to cry.
“I just cant believe she left us like that” Charles said
“I feel like I had something to do with this, its my fault I should have left her stay in the hospital where they could help her”
Charles placed his hands under my chin lifting my head so that our eyes could meet
“you listen to me, I called you, she needed you and this is not your fault…oh my god”
“what is it” I said wiping my eyes
“I have never noticed how beautiful you are”
“huh?” I said with a look of confusion
“I said you are beautiful”
He inched in and placed a powerful kiss on my lips, something about it was so wrong but it felt so right before I knew it we had reclined on the sofa and he had removed his shirt exposing a body that would rival Mr Universe. I too began removing my clothes, I was on auto pilot. He dropped his shorts and it was then that found the source of his bulge, a massive 12 inch missile was aligning to invade me. He entered me and I cried aloud, I felt as if I was being torn to shreds. We fucked for over an hour. That is the only way I know to describe the act, emotionless and filled with lust. His Muscle convulsed and released it creamy prize all over my face. My hormones went off the charts as he finished me off with his mouth, my sex tensed and filled his mouth with my lust juice. Immediately the gravity of what I just done hit me and I struggled to put my clothing back. I bid him a cheerful goodbye and headed for my car. I pulled out of the driveway and just a block away I pulled over and laid my head on the steering wheel and cried. I felt dirty, what had I done?
When I got home I just sat in the garage trying to gather myself so that chance wouldn’t suspect anything. When I walked in the front door I was met with a celebration.
“Guess what baby”
“yea guess what daddy” the children added
“what?” I said puzzled but excited
“I found us a new home!”
“Really? Where” I said with excitement
“Lincoln park!”
“really?” I said thinking about Charles
Yea listen to this
“Stunning contemporary home on two lots, 52 x 125 w/ extraordinary outdoor space. Entertainer's delight with over 2000 square feet of decks! The hot tub located on the private patio and is surrounded with vine draped archways under the sun swept sky! This gorgeous estate is a rich blend of quality with artistic design details, in Lincoln Park's finest location. Approximately 8,000 square feet with 5 bedrooms, 4 full and 2 half baths, soaring ceilings, dramatic stair case, gourmet kitchen, exercise & media room, library, wine storage, 7 zoned HVAC including radiant heat, 3 car heated garage!….doesn’t that sound great”
“yes it does” I said
“good, b/c be have been waiting on you we have an appointment with the realtor. Where have you been?”
“just a lil shoppin” I lied
“no bags?”
“ nah I was actually car shopping” I said furthering my lie
“o you see anything you wanted”
“just a Porsche Panamera”
“ok we can talk about it lets go see this house”
When we arrived at the house I was all but impressed. From the street the house was barley visible behind the trees that shaded it. The house was an unimpressive military gray. The realtor opened the front door and my mouth fell open. Inside we were met with soaring ceilings and beautiful bamboo floors , the staircase climbed gracefully up the wall to the left and in the center of the room stood a stunning masterpiece of a fireplace. Off the kitchen was a completely glass sunroom that I immediately fall in love with. Upstairs in the master bath I found the wall and floors covered in granite a glass block shower a bathe and a garden tub. In the hall way the floor was glass and the roof featured a deck with a view to die for.
When met the realtor in the great room I couldn’t say anything but “I love it! Now how much does it cost”
“Well the asking price is 3.1 million, I suggest you go in at 2.95”
“damn”
“sounds great, let go talk business, Skye honey welcome home”
Chance later told me he had gone in and written a check for 3 million and told her to tell the owned take it or leave it. They accepted and within a week my house was on the market and we had a new residence at 1251 w. dickens.
(sidebar it is a real house and if you Google the address in Chicago you can see it at chitownliving.com)
On my first morning I awoke to my new bedroom bathed in sunlight. Chance was missing from the bed. I found him downstairs in the kitchen cooking breakfast for the children.
“I have a gift for you” he said with a big smile
“what is it” I said with anticipation
“follow me”
We headed for the front door with the children in tow, when Chance opened the door there stood a well dressed white man who was preparing to ring the doorbell.”
“o hi” he said with surprise “im looking for Mr. Williams”
“am I being served” chance said
“yes sir”
Before anyone could say anything I snatched the envelope and Chance signed the paper and slammed the door.
“Not this again, just a second kids”
For the second time our family was being summoned to family court. The letter informed chance that Charles was contesting custody and requesting a DNA test on Alexandria.
“Damn it that mutha fucka. I really hate him” chance spewed with hatred
“it will be alright just call Mr Bourgeois and let him handle it” I said filled with guilt
“fuck this come on I still have a surprise for you” he said beginning to smile again “come on kids daddy chance has a surprise for you daddy”
I followed him out of the front door, we stopped in front of the closed garage.
“ready? 1,2.…..3”
The garage door opened slowly and there sat my Porsche Panamera. I went crazy with excitement.
“I told you that I would give you everything you ever need”
We shared a kiss and took a family ride to Orland park to take the children shopping.
The court date was scheduled for one month later. During that month we got settled into our new home, we hired an interior designer and spent our days shopping for furniture. When the date for court arrived we were confident that we would be coming home with a new child. After about an hour in cout the judge returned from his chambers with his decision. I immediately flashed back to my date in court as the jude began to ready.
In the case of Charles E Harris Vs Chance D Williams to determine custody and Paternity of Alexandria Lauren Harris the DNA results indicate that Charles E Harris Is the father of the child in question’
Chance erupted in a fit of anger.
“you mean to tell me I was been payin that bitch for child support and Alex aint mine”
“MR WILLIAMS BE SEATED OF ILL HAVE TO HOLD YOU IN CONTEMPT” the judge yelled slamming her gavel for order. Chance continued un-phased
“That’s right shes mine, I was fuckin Lauren for a whole year before you divorced”
“Im gonna kill you” Chance screamed leaping over the table and seizing Charles by the throat. The Deputy sheriffs in the room struggle to loose Chances grasp as the chair in which Charles was sitting flipped back on to the marble floor.
“ORDER ORDER, IN MY COURT” the judge yelled continuing to bang the gavel to no avail.
Finally the Deputies got him under control and I sat in my chair stunned at what had just happened.
Charles picked himself up from the floor coughing and holding his neck
“that’s right I fucked yo bitch nigga”
“fuck her” chance yelled as the bailiff handcuffed and struggled to remove him from the room.
“no not Lauren, Skye!”
My heart stopped and I became light-headed as the sound of my name echoed through the full courtroom.
Chance looked at me, just before he lost control
“lies you tell my baby would never” he yelled still struggling, but when he looked at me, my tears told it all.
“OH MY GOD BABYHOW COULD YOU?” Chance cried attempting to get loose and that’s when another deputy Tazered him, sending him shaking to the floor. I knew at that moment that my ascent to happiness had ended.

I walked out of the court house in awe of the events of the day. How could I have been so stupid to fall into Charles’ trap. Immediately I called the court to find out how to get chance out of jail. I was told there was no information and I would have to call back later. Next. I called my mother
“Hey baby”
“hey ma” I said pitifully
“why you sound so down”
“ill tell you later can you bring the kids over to the house imma text you the new address”
“ok baby, I cant wait. I have been dying to see this new house you I thought I would be the first person you called…”
“mommy,” I interrupted “we will talk when you get here, the lawyer is calling me” I lied
“lawyer you didn’t say anything about….” she continued as I closed the phone. When I got home I found it in pristine condition Benson had cleaned up and prepared dinner. I found him seated in the kitchen enjoying a cup of tea.
“hello hello Master Skye”
“Hey Benson”
“you seem a little down”
“well I did something stupid and now I don’t know what to do”
“as you know master Skye I try not to get involved in my employers personal business”
“I know, I know”
“I will say this though, Master Williams is the best employer I have ever worked for, this is one of the nicest homes I have ever worked in and your children are heaven sent you have a great life, you are too blessed to be stressed”
With that he bid me a pleasant evening and let me know he would be around if I should need him. I sat at the table and the deep regret over my infidelity overtook me, just as tears began to roll the doorbell sounded.
“Ive got it master skye” Benson said cheerfully.
Around the corner I could hear indistinct conversation.
“hey daddy” giselle said ass she come running around the corner to hug me
“he baby”
We chatted briefly, eventually joined by her brother, about their day with grandma. The kids ran off to watch the shinning in the basement theater and my mother joined me at the kitchen table.
“wow this is quite a house, boy I tell you that boy chance is a good man” she said taking a seat “well are you gonna give me a tour”
“yes, come on” I said cheerfully as we began to walk around the house “you know ma chance is what I wanted to talk to you about”
“well what about him, does this have something to do with the lawyer, are you boys in some kind of trouble…”
“ma can I tell the story, please?”
“damn excuse me gon ahead”
“last week I slept with Charles”
“who in the hell is Charles”
“Chances Ex-wifes Husband”
“so the girl dies and you sleep with her husband after you man buys you a house and a new car?” she slapped me in the back of my head “have you lost your damn mind”
“DAMN ma, he hadn’t bought the house and I don know what happened it was like mercy sex or something I just lost control of myself”
“Does chance know?”
“yea, and he is in jail because he found out Alex is not his and attacked Charles in the court room, while the cops carried him out kicking and screaming Charles told him we had been together. But the look on his face almost killed me”
“o baby you got yourself in some shit now, when is he coming home”
“I don’t know the court said there was n info”
Our conversation continued and she was sure to keep reminding me of how stupid I had been. We joined the Children downstairs in the Theater after our tour and enjoyed a few glasses of wine.
“Master Williams is home” the intercom announce around 8 pm
“o shit time to go” my mom said sarcastically “do you need me to stay here?”
“no mommy but take the kids with you tonight and ill pick them up from school”
“ok” she agreed as she headed out of the side door.
I climbed the stairs dreading what mood I would find my lover in. When I reached the living room Chance was standing looking out of the window adjacent to the burning fireplace.
“sit down, I just want to talk to you” he said in an eerily calm tone. I sat on the sofa, with his back to me he began to express himself in the same calm tone.
“Skye I don’t understand you, I took care of you when yo nigga wouldn’t, I fed your kids when you couldn’t afford to, I left my wife for you” His last worst becoming aggressive he turned to face me. “I bought you this big ass house that YOU wanted I bought you the car you SAID you wanted as a cover while you fucked that bitch nigga, and what do I get in return? Your cheat on me with the bane of my existence. How could you, HOW COULD YOU” He yelled with tears streaming down his face. “everything that has happened to me the couple of weeks proly would have never happened if I had just stayed with my wife, but I loved you”
“what do you mean LOVED me” I said shocked at the tense of his phrase
“shut up while im taking Skye this has been the worst few weeks of my life and the only up side was you and those two lil angels upstairs, but im leaving. I cant forgive you for this, I don’t know how! I shoulda cheated when I had the chance” he said picking up the remote to the flat screen tv “look at this” he said pointing to the screen which displayed his message box on BGC with 876 messages. “all these niggas want what you got and you threw it all away. Im goin 2 stay wit my peeps till we can sort the house situation out”
“What were you doing on BGC anyway, you proly fucked one of those bitches and you standing up here like you so right, nigga you were on the hook-up site…”My sentence ended abruptly when he jumped on me grabbing my shoulders “NIGGA I FUCKIN LOVE YOU WHY DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT, I GAVE UP MY WIFE AND KIDS FOR YOU AND IM STILL SOME REGULAR ASS NIGGA, U CHEATED NOT ME!…ALL I WANT TO KNOW IS WHY?!…you know what you aint even worth it, you just the lil ho that the city thinks you are” I slapped him hard across his face.
“don’t you ever disrespect me like that! Get out!”
“you always know how to make everything about you, you better be glad I love you or yo ass would be on your way to the morgue” he said picking up his coat and walking toward the door.
“Ill be back for my shit 2morrow, you know what, you can have the house” he added just before slamming the door.
The man of my dreams had just walked out on my and my pride wouldn’t let me beg for forgiveness. So as I watched him climb into my Porsche and pull away, all I could do was cry.
“you know you were wrong don’t you” Benson said walking up behind me
“yes I do, but I don’t know how to fix it”
“you just passed up your chance to apologize. Let him cool off he will be back, Master Williams and I have talked about you many times, I knew about the house before you or the children he brought me with him to see weeks before he told you, that man loves you more than life itself, he will be back”
Tears once again began streaming down my face and Benson embraced me. He was the best butler in the world and the best friend that I needed in my moment of weakness.

That night with the children asleep and with Benson in his room for the night I sat at the table and drank all the liquor I could lay my hands on. The libation did nothing to drown my sorrow and I spent the better part of the night puking my guts out. The next morning dawned to find me sprawled out in the downstairs bathroom fast asleep. I woke to the sweet smell of waffles and was greeted with a tray which, along with the waffles, held eggs, fresh strawberries and a mimosa.
“I drink all the liquor in the house and you make me a mimosa” I said laughing through my splitting headache.
“the champagne will help to take the edge off the hangover that I am sure you are suffering from” he said sarcastically. “I have served as butler for a few rap artists trust me I kno” he laughed. “I found you on the bathroom floor this morning so I carried you to the bed to sleep it off.”
“what time is it?” I asked dreading the answer
“it is 3pm, suggested that the children stay with your mother until tomorrow”
“thank you so much”
“that’s what im here for” he said walking out of the bedroom.
I knew that it was time for damage control so I decided to start fixing some of the mess that I had caused. I called Malik’s boss and requested that Malik be reinstated. He agreed, Malik called about ten minuets later but I didn’t answer. Calling Chance would require a drink so I ran to the liquor store to get a bottle of Tequila. After making myself a drink I say down on the bed to make the call. After 2 rings the voice mail picked up. Slightly annoyed I hung up the phone knowing that he had ignored my call. My curiosity got the best of me when I picked up the remote and selected the “computerHD” auxiliary channel. I retrieved my laptop and plugged it into the HDMI port in the floor. After waiting my browser to load I looged into BGC. Once on the site I privatized all of my pictures and selected the online tab to begin the search for my lover’s profile. I didn’t have to look far, he was the first premium member on the list. “ifbychance” I clicked onto his profile and noticed the amount of private pictures. I hatched plan to get a better look. I changed all of face pictures to another guy’s from Facebook and sent him a message.
“whats gud dude” I typed with anticipation
“nothing much shawty juss chillin let me see them pix” he asked
“aight man if I can I see yours?” I typed back unlocking my pix
“no doubt you sexy as hell man, whats up wit u 2night” he typed back unlocking his pix
I immediately went to his profile and the site of his pictures almost stopped my heart. There on my 72 inch plasma I saw my mans dick in crystal clear HD.
“WHOA!” Benson said bringing me my lunch “already on the prowl Master Skye” he laughed
“no Benson that’s Chance and just call me Skye from now on ok?”
“no problem, isn’t that bgc?”
“yea what do you know about it?” I said emerging from my state of shock
“I know you don’t think a straight black man would be so happy to work for a gay couple” He laughed
“I had no idea”
“yea, but he has these kinds of pictures on BGC, you might want to call him NOW!”
“I did call him he ignored my call”
“well try to get him 2 meet you at his place. And go talk to him”
For the rest of the day Benson and I chatted back and forth trying to get Chance to meet but he refused. The topic of conversation largely focused on his need to find a friend to help him get over his recent break up. When the word break-up appeared on the screen I immediately became nauseous. Maybe he really was going to leave me. My phone rang around 7 with an unknown number.
“hello”
“hey, its me I want to talk to you” Chance said dryly just as the message tone sounded “are you on bgc” he questioned
“yes”
“o for real, its like that” he interrupted before I could explain “look ill be over around 10 and you better be there alone” he said angrily hanging up the phone.
I told Benson what Chance had told me on the phone. He refused to leave, fearing for my safety but agreed to remain in his room unless something happened. We shared a drink and watched a couple of episodes of snapped while awaiting Chance’s arrival. Around 10:10 pm the doorbell sounded. Benson ran upstairs and disappeared into the dark hallway as I opened the door.
“hey baby”
“don’t baby me. Sit down” he said with little emotion. I poured myself a drink and offered him one which he refused.
“look you kno I still love you and all but im not sure this will work again, I feel like I cant trust you. I mean you cheat on me then when I call you on BGC?”
“I was talking to you”
“liar” he said angrily.
I snatched the remote from the table to show him the messages.
“really love don’t you?” he said sweetly
“yes I do, chance I don’t know what happened, but it meant nothing. I was just weak from holding all of the stress in.”
“that’s not good enough Skye, that is what im here for, im here to be your man, to love and protect you. If you cant talk to me then why are we doing this. We lost a lot in the past couple of weeks. Lets not lose each other.”
“so does this mean you are coming home?”
“no, it means we are going to try to work thru this. I signed a six month lease on an apartment in Washington park, if we can straighten things out, ill come home, If not we will sell this house and go our separate ways.”
I broke out in a fit of delirious laughter picking up my glass to ease the blow.
“what the fuck, this shit aint funny Jaylen im trying to be serious” he said becoming irritated.
“no its not but im going to keep drinking until it is” I said
He snatched the glass from my hand and threw it in to the burning fireplace that sent a fireball 10 feet in to the air which matched the rage in his eyes.
“you cant drink your problems away Jaylen, you need to pull yourself the fuck together, ill call you next week with an appointment wit a marriage counselor” he huffed walking toward the door “ I love you dude” he said shaking his head and closing the door. My laughter turned to tears, I wondered if this was the start of a nervous breakdown.
My mother called shortly after to let me know she was taking the kids with her to North Carolina for spring break which began that Monday and I agree that it was best for her to keep them. I let her know I would be over to see them the following and ended the call.
The next morning I arose around 10am to get dressed to visit my children before they left. After spending the day shopping and going to a movie I returned home determined to have a night out. I insisted that Benson accompany me to Circuit for urbano night. He agreed and we spent the next two hours selecting two outfits and painting our faces.
When we walked in the club we looked like celebrities. I wore a couture white collared shirt that had ruffles that built up into a collar around my neck. My jeans were Gucci and hugged me like the cashier at the store hugged my black card when I bought them, the shoe was a black pointed toe boot with a steel accent tip. Benson Wore my favorite Vuitton Slim fit suit with a shirt just like mine and the same shoe in tan. We both wore Bvlgari frames that covered to faces that had been painted into the friendly skies. The men immediately took notice, Benson obliged all of them while I made my way to the bar. By the time the night was over Benson had filled his phone with numbers and I had filled reached my blood alcohol limit. The next 2 weeks were filled with parties clubbing and drinking for me with the addition of men for Benson.
Chance called the Sunday the children returned to inform me of our counseling session on Tuesday at 10am. I agreed and the call ended with a simple I love you. When he text me the directions to the office I was pleased to find that it was only a couple of blocks from my house, so I decided to walk. Along the way I grabbed a bagel and some coffee from Starbucks. When I arrived at the door the name Dr. E. Ramone.
“I bet this is another white man” I thought to myself just as chance pulled up.
“hey babe you ready”
“yea” I said dryly
When we reached the office we were the firs appointment of the day. The office was a throw back to the days of old, generous wood moldings arched doorways and stained glass culminated in a tribute to Frank Lloyd Wright and created a peaceful atmosphere. I was just beginning to read the many degrees on the way when the door opened. I looked over my shoulder and there stook Dr. E. Ramone.
“good morning guys im Dr. Erica Ramone”
She stood about 5’10 in her six inch stilettos Lauren London could have been her sister. “im gonna like her” I thought to myself
“its nice to meet you” Chance said obviously stunned by something
“shocked im a woman” she laughed
Our first counseling session was a breeze I was confident the at the end of six months everything would be back to normal. You know the one problem with counseling is that everyone has to tell exactly what they have done, and one of us had a secret that would threaten our happy ending.

The children and I had fallen into a routine with both of their fathers. Malik came and got hem every other weekend and Chance came over nightly for dinne while we continued to work through our marital problems. Five and a half months had passed and we only had 2 sessions remaining. On the second to last appointment Dr Ramone suggested that we do a trust exercise and tell the other one secret about ourselves.
“Jaylen you go first” Dr Ramone suggested cheerfully
“hmm…lets see…what don’t you know, I got it, im afraid of the dark”
Chance busted out in hysterical laughter.
“is the why the bathroom light is always on when I come home”
“yep” I laughed
“Your turn Chance” Dr Ramone said stopping our laughter
Chance’s smile faded into a frown, he looked at Dr Ramone and said “my secret isn’t as funny”
“ I was hoping your secret would be a little more serious because mine is…for the last five months ive been seeing someone else, he moved in with me last week”
Dr Ramone Gasped and sat back in her leather wing back chair. I was stunned I didn’t know how to react. Instead of crying I did the only thing that seemed rational, I got angry.
“WHAT THE FUCK, YOU GOT ME HERE SPILLING MY GUTS TO A STRANGER TO TRY TO SAVE OUR RELATIONSHIP AND YOU ARE LIVING WITH SOME BITCH, IM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU” I leapt from my end of the couch and tackled chance, who was completely caught off guard, onto the hardwood floors. With a loud thud we collided, I delivered blow after blow to his face as he stuggled to block my crazed attack. “Skye stop I don’t want to hurt you” Chance yelled. His plea fell on deaf ears as my attack intensified. I closed my eyes and thought about my life and the more I thought about how happy we had been the more I hit him. Suddenly, as if he had had it, he rose and effortlessly hurled me into the wall. “listen I understand you are mad but im not gonne fight you” he huffed. With my free hand I punched him in his nose sending blood spewing down his face into his mouth. His eyes bulged “im sorry” he siad softly and with one blow, I saw the sun the moon and most of all STARS! When I awoke security was leaving the room and chance was seated on the couch crying. As I became further aware of my surroundings I was lying on the chaise lounge.
“Are you okay” Dr Ramone said coming over to rub my head.
“yes I fine”
“don’t worry you guys I understand, and im not calling the police,we will continue this next week, I have another appointment”
Chance got up and walked out of the room, I started to follow but given what had just taken place I decided that I would pay him a visit at home. Embarrassed, I tool the walk of shame out of the office to my car. Once I had gotten in and started the car I pulled down the mirror. The broken image that stared back at me brought my breakfast up. I held my head out of the car just in time to see chance getting in his car. I pulled myself together and followed him. I stayed several cars behind him until he turned into the trump tower parking garage. He parked his car in a numbered space while I kept my distance. He sat in the car talkin on the phone for a little while and hung up just as my Porsche pulled into the adjacent parking space. I though my head was going to explode when a flaming fag stepped climbed out of the drivers seat and laid a kiss on Chance’s lips. As I sat there steaming I knew exactly would do. “im gonna get you suga” I said as I quietly pulled out of my hiding place and headed home. When I got home I contacted a PI, I wanted to know who he was and most of all I wanted to know who was renting the apartment in the Trump Tower. I didn’t have to wait long. The next afternoon I had all the info I needed. Chance’s name was on the lease and the boys name was Raymond Vincent better known as Ray-Ray. He also provided with an apartment number. I paid him and he left. I got on Facebook to get a better look at this Ray-Ray Character. I found his profile to be public so I went through his pictures. He was a cute guy, I guess. Brown skin and looked to be about 5’9. All of his pictures seemed to have been taken at balls in the face category. “I know how to get you bitch” I thought to myself. The next day I rented a car and drove over to Trump. I pretended to have a delivery and the security guard queen who was flirting with some man left we walk right on by. I stood at the door just long enough to say a prayer for strenghth and sanity. With that I knocked on the door.
“Who is it” a feminine voice replied
“Delivery for Raymond Vincent”
“o yes it must be my Louboutin sneakers, just a sec” yelled cheerfully
The door swung open and I raise my head.
“its you” he exclaimed tryin to close the door. I wedged my keen toe shoe into the door jam and forced the door open knocking him to the floor.
“I just want to talk” I said in that “bitch don’t try me” voice
“ok just don’t hurt me” he said standing behind the couch “how do you know my name?”
“how do you know my man?” I replied sarcastically
“I met him online”
“bet you like all of this money don’t you, do you know we have 2 kids”
“yes we took them to navy pier last week” he said weakly.
The confession sent a surge of rage through my body and I hurled a lamp to my right into the wall.
“you met my kids?”
“yes, Chance wanted me to, they are beautiful”
“so what you think yall are gonna be a family or something, we are in marital counseling”
“I know and we are engaged” he said with a hint of sarcasm, showing me his ring. I walked across the room flipping the coffee table out of my way.
“don’t get smart with me little girl, now I thought I saw you driving my car yesterday, give me the keys and I promise I wont kick your ass”
“YOUR car? Chance gave me that as a gift and ill be damned if you are…” before he could finish he statement my fist collided with his mouth. Our body’s locked in a hail of glory. I hit him with a right hook and he scratched me across my face. The fight seemed to be endless until the front door swung open.
“skye what the fuck are you doing” Chance yelled throwing bags to the floor “get off of him”
“why did you lie to me Chance”
“why are you here, how did you find….lied about what?”
“you told me you lived in Washington Park”
“I did I moved”
“into this, this shit costs more that my house”
“what do you you mean your house”
“you damn sure don’t live there you living with this bitch” I said pointing at the bloody face that was struggling to get up.
“he is not a bitch and he has a name…”
“I don’t give a fuck what his name is” I said cutting him off.
“im going to sue your ass” Ray, now standing, interjected.
“then let me give you a damn good reason.” I walked up and drop kicked him sending my sharp toe shoe into his chin and his body flying into a glass curio cabinet behind him.
“lights out bitch” I spewed in hatred
“you aint have to that”
“you aint have to try to play me, why the fuck am i going 2 counseling with you and you fucking him?”
“I didn’t have the heart to tell you and I still lov…” I slapped him in his mouth.
“you don’t love me, and I don’t think you ever did” I said as my anger turned to tears.
“stop it skye, you know I love you”
“FUCK YOU” I yelled as I picked up my D&G bag and walked out.
When I reached the parking garage I saw the Custom 67 Lincoln Continental that I had bought Chance for his birthday. I calmly walked over to my rental, pulled out the crowbar and placed it in my bag. I took the 9mm out of the glove box, walked back over to the Lincoln and blew out all 4 tires. Then with all the strength I could muster I used the crowbar but bust every single piece of glass and plastic that I laid eyes on.
I jumped im my car and sped out of the garage into the night.
Moments later my phone rang
“Hello” I said still mad as hell
“you broke that boys nose and maybe his jaw, you know he is gonna press charges”
“FUCK YOU, and let him I don’t give fuck, do you think I care about his face”
“see skye this is why I cant be with you, you are fucking crazy”
“whatever chance” I said throwing the phone out of the open window.
“damn it damn it damn it” I yelled as I ran thru a stop light, suddenly
Headlights to my left and right, a loud crashing sound, glasss, pain, blood, STARS.
“Skye” a familiar voice called
When I opened my eyes it was…Lauren?


“Am I dead?” I asked into the blinding light that was Lauren.
“Skye, you are throwing your life away! I moved out of the way so that gods perfectr plan could unfold and you are squandering your blessing, pick yourself up and claim what is yours. Nothing will work out until you align yourself with gods will”
“how do I do that’
“listen to that little voice in the back of your mind, that is god leading the way. This is not your day to die but if you don’t align yourself your day to join me will soon come”
“but I want to stay here”
“align yourself”
“align youself”
He words continued to echo as they blended with police sirens.
“sir, are you ok, that right wake up” I could hear faintly
I opened my eye and realized I was in a tangled wreck of what was my rental Impala.
“we are going to have to cut you out so be very still” the fireman said as he cover my face with a towel. Amid the chaos and noise of the saw chewing through the twisted metal I thought about what Lauren had said. The sounds around me faded into silence as I again lost consciousness.
When I awoke I was surrounded by my mother and children and a few other family members who had come to check on me. The hospital room was filled with flowers and balloons but the best gift had yet to be seen.
“baby we came as soon as we heard, I haven’t been home in 2 months” My mother said
“Hey daddy” Giselle said sweetly
I attempted to speak but I couldn’t, it was then that I realized that there was a tube down my throat.
“can everyone give us a second” my mom requested politely.
Everyone filed out of the room and left me and my mother alone.
“Baby that accident was serious, you broke you collar bone which they said pierced a vein of something, you almost bled out, the people in the other cars were ok. The doctors worried that you wouldn’t wake up but I trusted god and your just fine. You know I trusted god for something else too..”
“me” a familiar voice said from behind the curtain. Tears blurred my vision as Chance emerged from the shadows. “I told you I love you, nothing will ever come between us again. I got here as soon as your mother called me that night, when I saw you in the ER I thought you were dead and I realized that I cant live without you. I sold the apartment and the kids and I have been at the house praying for you every night and by your bed side everyday. We have been engaged too long, as soon as your are discharged we are getting married.”
I wanted to speak but all I could do was cry
“baby your collar bone has healed and the doctors told me that when you wake up they would discharge you, let me get the nurse”
My mom went into the hall to get the nurse and chance sat on the edge of the bed and began to cry.
“GOD il love you so much, please forgive me, lets just forget all of this and move on”
I nodded yes just as the nurse came in to removed the tube.
“alright sweetie this is gonne feel weird ok?” the nurse said
I nooded
“take a deep breath and blow out on 3, you ready (I nodded) 1,2,3 blow”
I began coughing like crazy.
“its normal just drink some water”
The nurse left and the family came back in.
“thank you all so much for coming to see about me, you have no idea how much it means” I said in a raspy voice
The next few weeks involved a lot of intensive therapy to learn to walk again, my mother had failed to mention that I had also broken my left leg in three places. The bone had healed but laying a bed for 2 months was not exactly ideal.
We began planning the wedding just 3 weeks after my release from the hospital. We decided upon the Grand ballroom of the Ritz-Carlton. The invites were sent out to 300 family members and friends informing of the ceremony in June the following year, just 18 moths away. We reserved 5 stretch limos and a Roles-Royce for Chance and I to arrive and leave in. For the Honeymoon we went all out, a trip to Egypt, then to Paris and Finally a stop in Sydney Australia to enjoy an original Opera at the World Famous Sydney Opera house. The ceremony would be broadcast live over the internet and we decided to make a video journal of the Honeymoon.
During my slumber Chance had opened a new studio in Atlanta, he spent much of his time back and forth between home and the new studio. The children and I returned to life as normal. The random acts of vandalism began one day while the Giselle, Jr and I were out shopping. When we pulled into the drive way my eyes strained to make out the letters spray painted onto the cherry wood garage doors. F-A-G-S.
‘oh my god” I exclaimed
“what is it daddy” Jr said from the back
“nothing jr” I lied quickly backing out of the driveway. We parked on the side of the road so that the trees could shield my children’s eyes from this blatant act of homophobia. When I had the children safely in the house Benson immediately invited us to the table. He joined us for dinner at my request and just before the second course my daughter stunned the table.
“daddy?”
“yes my love”
“what is a fag?”
The question sent chills down my spine, I realized that my cute little baby was growing up and I didn’t know how to answer her question.
“well baby, that is a very bad word for a certain group of people, somebody wrote that tryin to be nasty” I said attempting to hide the rage that burned inside.
“gay people like you and daddy chance?” she asked in the sweetest of voices.
“yes baby but that is not a nice word and how do you know about this stuff”
“well in school we were suppose to write a letter to our mothers for mothers day so I raised my hand and told my teacher that I had 2 daddies and one of the boys yelled out ‘your daddy are fags’ and I told him to shut up”
“good job, don’t ever let anyone talk about your family we love you just like any other family would, we are normal and don’t either one of you ever let anyone tell you differently. That night I called Chance, who was in Atlanta, and told him what had happened. He told me that someone would be out the following day to install a surveillance system. Its installation would come too late for the next vandalism.
The next morning when I was headed out to take the children to their schools, the Saab which I had left on the side of the road had been destroyed. The windows were all broken out and the tires had been slashed, it almost looked ad if someone had taken a jackhammer to the side of the car. I held in my tears and instead took the kids in the Lincoln which had been repaired. When I got home I had the vehicle towed away and sat in a trance waiting on the surveillance installer to arrive. He arrived around 3 and stayed about two hours, I took that time to call the insurance company who had already taken a look at the car. To my horror they informed me that the vehicle had been totaled and to expect a check for the depreciated value on about 2 weeks. I was pissed! I called Chance crying like a baby.
“baby my car” I cried
“huh what’s wrong baby what are you talking about?”
“somebody fucked up the Saab, it totaled they broke the windows and slashed the tires, they even put littles holes all over it”
“baby its just a car and it was old, we will get you a new one when I get back, but maybe you should stay with your mom until I come home”
“nah baby ill be alright, Benson is here and the cameras are up, ill be fine”
“ok babe ill be home tomorrow, I love you”
“I love you too”
Later that night after I had put the children to sleep Benson and I enjoyed a few glases of Moscato before he retired to his quarters. I decided to watch Saturday Night Boxing on HBO. Just as the fight was getting good there was a knock at the door. Still looking at the TV I walked over and unlocked the door.
“who is it?”
The door swung open knocking me off my feet, I found myself staring down the barrel of a gun. The masked man wore all black and he was accompanied by five of six other identically dressed subjects.
“wha do we have here, this must be the poor little rich fag that beat my brothers ass”
“what the fuck are you taking about”
“shut up bitch” he said hitting me in the head with the butt of the gun “Come here Ray-Ray, pull that shit off and show him your face”
I barely recognized the young man who stood before me. His nose was deformed and his face was littered with evidence of gashes and scars long healed.
“look what you did to me, and you took my man I ought to kill you right now, but I wont”
With that the masked leader held me tightly to the floor his hot breath invading my nostrils while his accomplices delivered a brutal beating. I managed to partially free myself, I dug my nails into the bamboo floors dragging myself and the assault further into my home. I reached the end table in the great room and managed to overturn the table. The Glock hit the floor with a clang and before I could think it was in my hand. I fired into the air hitting one of the recessed lights above, sending a shower of sparks raining to the floor. Immediately my attacker retreated, but when one reached in to his pants I closed my eyes and fired. There was a thud and then silence. Wheni opened my eyes the room was empty and a trial of blood traced my attacker flee out of the front door.
“What happened” Benson exclaimed from the top of the stairs
“I just got my ass kicked” I said out of breath
“wow I think you need to see a doctor”
“do I look that bad?” I asked anxiously
“I think you nose is broken” he said with sorrow
“shit, the wedding”
“did you shoot one of them?”
“I think so, theres blood everywhere”
“im about to call the police”
“ok”
I dropped down onto the sofa as the pain of my injuries overtook me. I hoped I hadn’t killed anyone, but most of all I hoped I wasn’t going to jail. I called Chance.
“Bay”
“yea whats up”
“I just got jumped” I said sounding like a zombie
“what happened! Where? By who?”
“at hom by that boy ray and his buddies”
“im on my way right now im about 2 go find a flight or something ill be home in no less that 3 hours I promsie, I love you I gotta go” He ended the call. Unless that boy was dead I knew this was not the end of my hell. I was starting to believe that maybe my encounter with Lauren wasn’t as much of a hallucination as I thought it was.

I opened the door with disgust as the police arrived to survey the scene over and hour later. They took photos and wrote down Benson’s and my statement. After less than an hour of so called investigation and with a promise to find the perpetrators the police were on their way out of the door. It wasn’t until they left that I decided to go to the mirror and assess the damage. When I turned on the light my mouth fell open my eyes were swollen and my nose was red and appeared a little flattened. I lifted my shirt and to my horror most of my midsection a sickening pallet of black and blues. With tears in my eyes I left Benson in the Great room to wait for Chance while I went upstairs to sleep.
About two hours later I was awakened when Chance came and sat down beside me on the bed.
“Baby are you alright?” he said softly
“yea ill be ok my nose is a lil sore and its kinda hard to breathe, I guess ill just go to the doctor tomorrow.”
“ok babe so what do you want to do about this” he said turning on the lamp on the night stand “WHAT THE FUCK LOOK AT YOUR FACE, IM GONNA SHOOT THAT LIL BOY”
“baby no the police are…”
“NOT GONNA DO SHIT, GET UP AND GET DRESSED WE ABOUT 2 TAKE RIDE”
“Where Chance?”
“Bay no more questions, just get up”
I raised no more objections a threw on a pair of sweats and some busted timbs because I had the feeling that this night was going to end in a physical altercation.
The ride to Ray-Rays’s house was filled obscenities as Chance attempted to vent his frustration. When we arrived at the building off 79th and South Shore dr I got a sick feeling in my stomach. Before I had a chance to voice any concerns Chance opened my door and yanked me out of the car. We waited in the shadows untill s lady and her two children walked out of the building we caught the door and took the elevator to the 6th floor. We stopped at apartment 608 and just before Chance knocked on the door he removed a semi-automatic piston from his blazer pocket and handed it to me.
“Baby if anything goes wrong you know what to do, its loaded put it in you pants” he said quietly.
With a nod I had again acquiesced myself into a sticky situtuation. Chance knocked on the door gently and without question, on the southside, the door swung open. With a powerful blow Chance knocked the the boy back into the hallway and beat him until he stopped stuggling just as 7 other guys jumped on him. Without hesitation I added my body to the orgy of struggling flesh. I felt a hand grasp the handle of the gun which was tucked into the back of my jeans.
“EVERYONE GET UP AND PUT YOUR HANDS UP” a weak voice said
I looked up and there stood the tattered image of Ray pointing a gun at the scene that had ceased in the middle of the room.
“DID YOU NOT HERE ME? I SAID GET THE FUCK UP AND PUT YOU HANDS IN THE AIR, all the rest of you get out I can handle this I just want to talk to my man and this tramp”
“Now wait lets talk about this, you came to my house” Chance said tryin not to raise his voice
“I came to your house because that bitch came to our home and attacked me, and you left me for him” he said beginning to cry, still weakly holding the gun “LOOK AT MY FACE” He yelled accidentally pulling the hair trigger and firing a bullet in to the adjacent wall.
“OK NOW, just calm down” I said
“Fuck you I shoot your bitch ass right now” ray said angrily backing toward the picture window behind him.
“Ray, what do you want”
“I want you to leave that bitch and kick him out so WE can the life in the house with the kids”
“BITCH THAT’S My MUTHAFUCKING HOUSE AND YOU WILL NEVER!! DO YOU HEAR ME NEVER! LIVE THERE AND YOU DAMN SURE AINT GETTING MY KIDS”
He raised the weapon aimed, I closed my eyes to make peace with god because I knew I was about to die. I heard the gunshot, then shattering glass. The rush of freezing air jostled me from my prayer and I opened my eyes to find the bullet wound. Instead I found my lover laying on the floor grabbing his chest, before I could bend down to help him the police enter through the still open front door.
“Keep your hands where I can see them “
“ok, don’t shoot im not armed” I said meekly
“place your hands behind your head and lay face down on the ground” the policeman barked
I complied and the police descended on me with tremendous force, pulling my hands down behind my back and handcuffing me.
“you have the right to remain silent anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law, if you cant afford one, one will be appointed to to you. Do you understand the rights I that I have given you?” he asked robotically
“Wait somebody call the ambulance my husband is hurt” I protested as they dragged me out of the apartment.
“DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE RIGHTS THAT I HAVE GIVEN YOU SIR?”
“YES”
The officers placed me in the police car and I was taken to the precinct and booked on charges of assault.
I was removed from my cell without incident later on that night and taken to a small room for questioning.
“Is your name Jaylen Skye”
“yes”
“Do you understand that you and a Mr Chance Williams are being charged with assault and 2nd Degree Murder”
“MURDER?”
“yes sir, a Mr. Raymond Vincent was thrown from the window and killed by Mr Williams you are being charged as an accomplice”
“Wait he was about to shoot me”
“in self defense sir, did you not forcefully enter his residence”
“Yes but…where is Chance”
“”we have be unable to obtain a statement from him, he is in critical condition with a gunshot wound to the chest”
“I want a lawyer”
“Take him back to his cell” the detective said with disgust.
I spent the remainder of my sleepless night worrying about my children and and the condition of my lover. I used my on call to contact my mother.
“JAYLEN ARE YOU IN JAIL?”
“yes mommy, but I don’t have time to explain, there is a document in my desk drawer in the office at my house I need you to retrieve it and take it to my lawyer, he will know what to do.”
“well what is the paper and why are you in jail Jaylen”
“mom I cant explain right now just get the document ok?” I said ending the call
“What have I gotten myself into?” was the only question that skimmed across the recesses of my tattered mind. I knew that I was going to jail. It was never my intent to hurt anyone, but intent doesn’t account for shit in the world of crime and punishment.

“Bail set at 700 thousand dollars” the judge ordered as she slammed the gavel cementing my fate. I realized that making bail was an impossible dream without chance and with all of our assets frozen. I tearfully kissed my children and hugged my mother.
“mom any word on chance” I whispered quickly
“no baby they wont let me see him but I think he…” the guards separated us as they dragged me away.
I had been in jail for 2 weeks with no word on Chance’s Condition. My lawyer had recommended that I refrain from mentioning my “co-defendant” on all phone calls. The anxiety was about to drive me crazy. How was I suppose to live not knowing if my lover was ok? My mother had retrieved the paperwork from my home which was my living will. It named her as executor of my estate and the custodian of my children in the event of my inability to take care of them.
One afternoon after a meeting with my lawyer I returned to my cell to find a large man in my cell. He was brown skin, not the most attractive man in the world but he was cute in his way.
“Who are you” the man said as I entered the cell.
“I’m Skye” I answered nervously trying to put a little bass in my voice.
“What you in for?”
“Murder, but I didn’t do it”
He burst out in laughter “no one in the shit hole did it man, I’m Sean. Im in for Rape and Murder, you know that doesn’t make me a favorite around here”
“so why did you tell ME?” I questioned timidly
“I hardly think I have to worry about you trying to kill me in the shower, plus you kinda cute”
“well thanks” I said nervously
“You don’t look like the type who ends up in jail, ill tell you what you keep me “happy” and ill watch you back for you”
“umm ok, what exactly do you mean by “happy”?”
“Really HAPPY” he said with a smile looking down at the unzipped fly on his orange prison issue pants.
“oh” I said looking at the floor
The conversation eventually turned from sex and changed to our crimes. He told me he had just been convicted of raping his girlfriend and killing her lover after finding them in the bed when he came home from work. Sean seemed like one of those normal crazy people and I must admit I was afraid of him.
My walk through hell on earth began at the conclusion of a regular day in county jail. When I returned to my cell my roommate was absent so I climbed into my bed and fell asleep. I awoke sometime after lights out to an odd sensation on my neck. I awoke to find Sean on top of me licking my neck with his hand over my mouth. The physical pleasure was immense but it collided with the violation of my personal space. I tried to push him off my struggle was futile under his stocky country built frame.
“Its time to make daddy happy” His hot breath burned the side of my neck as a single tear rolled down my cheek. I knew what was coming and I was powerless to stop it. He untied my pants and snatched them off exposing my rear to the cold steel that was the edge of the bed, never removing his hand from my mouth.
“Im gonna move my hand now, promise you wont scream, if you do ill break you neck before the guards can save you”
I nodded and the tears that had built up in my eyes flooded my cheeks. He dropped his pants and turned me on my stomach. He forced his fully erect manhood into my un-lubed rosebud. The pain was unspeakable, I felt like was going to die, and in may ways I hoped that I would. There on my knees in that cell I lost my dignity, he rapped me until I felt the warm sensation of blood running down my leg. I felt him swell inside me just as he let out a deep demonic moan, he ripped himself from me sending a sharp pain shooting through my body. HE grabbed me by my shirt and turned me to face him.
“Swallow this” he said just as he released his load into my mouth.
“swallow it bitch-nigga!”
I obliged without protest.
“clean up this mess!” he said as he climbed atop his bunk. I picked up an old shirt and began to clean up the mess of blood and cum that was smeared across the floor. The pain was something that I wouldn’t have wished on my worst enemy. The next couple of weeks were more of the same I begged God to save but nothing changed.
One morning after another long night of sexually abuse I was awakened by three guards who came to get me.
“where are we going”
“processing, your going home” the guard said without emotion.
When I got outside I found my mother and children waiting for me in the brand new Saab that the insurance company finally replaced. After a tearful hello and plenty of hugs and kisses against my lawyers advice, we were on our way to the hospital to see Chance.
When we arrived at the hospital the nursing staff gave us a hard time about going to the room.
“Im sorry sir you are not family and you can not go back”
“Chance is my husband, I need to see him NOW!” I said becoming irritated
“Sir, I hardly think the man in that bed is gay plus his records list ‘Skye’ as his spouse, is that you?” she asked rudely raising her brow. I snatched my wallet from my bag and removed my ID slamming it on the counter “yes I am, now can I please see my husband?”
“O my, I… um I stand corrected of course Mr. Skye please follow me”
I picked up my things from the counter and followed the nurse into the ICU. When we arrived at Chances room she opened the door and entered first. My stomach filled with butterflies dreading what I would find when I turned the corner. When I approached the bed he was lying in the bed with his eyes closed and two clear tubes coming out of the side of his chest.
“Mr Williams wake up you have company” the nurse said softly into his ear.
Chance very slowly opened his eyes. “SKYE!” he said frailly but with excitement
“Chance I was so worried”
“o you know im a soldier im ok, come here kids”
“Be careful you guys don’t step on anything”
After another session of tears I love yous and hugs and kisses we got down to business.
“Baby this murder shit aint no joke they are taking me to jail as soon as im better”
“no they arent I have taken care of your bail and we have the best lawyer money can buy, now tell me what happened in that apartment”
“Jaylen he was going to kill you, he aimed at you and I dove at him to stop him, instead I pushed him into the window and it broke…and he fell…somewhere in all of that he shot me in my chest. Baby by the time I got here I was dead, I died in the ambulance and I died twice on the operating table…BUT GOD! If I ever get out of this I promise to do right, I promise baby, we are going to live right. This is all my fault” chance said as tears began to fall from his eyes
“no baby this is not your fault and I don’t ever want to hear that again, we are gonna be ok.”
That night I took the kids home to find Benson waiting.
“welcome home Skye, I have kept the house just as you would have, I have prepared dinner and I know you have worried about chance while you were away. I went to see him every day”
“Thank you so much” I said and him the children and I shared a hug.
“How did you get to see him. The nurse wouldn’t even let me through”
“you know that’s the funny thing about a black man in a tux with tails” he laughed
That night all four of us fell asleep watching ‘Little Shop of Horrors’ in the downstairs theater. It felt so good to be home but for how long?
The defense rests

Just one month after the night that changed everything chance was out of the hospital and life had fell into what we had come to know as normalcy. We met with our team of lawyers once per week to go over the logistics of our trial and testimony, We had managed to find two of Ray-Ray’s friends to testify to the events of the night on our behalf . It all seemed as if everything would work out. Chance and I had vowed never to cheat on one another again. The prosecution had decided to try to two of us separately and much to my disappointment the defense agreed but reassured us that this would be the best strategy.
The children were our motivation although due to the potential custody issue they largely remained with my mother.
My trial began on a rainy March afternoon. The case had spread throughout the community and when we walked into the courtroom it was filled with anxious on lookers. I was charged with first degree murder assault and I was facing 25 to life if convicted. The proceedings began around half past 12. I sat and watched as the prosecution made its case against me calling witness after witness to testify to my demeanor on the night in question. The prosecution rested after 3 days of testimony. Chance and I retuned home that evening to unwind with a bottle of wind a few friends. The lawyers knocked on the door around 10 to go over the testimony one last time before the next morning. After drilling chance and I on the questions that they would ask of us on the stand we turned to the potential questions of the opposing side. We bid them goodnight around midnight and retired to the bedroom for the night,
“well babe the house is empty” chance said with a smile
“yea I know and I miss my kids” I said sadly
“Me too baby but I want to feel you one last time in case they lock yo ass up tomorrow” He chuckled
“you think every damn thing is funny that’s why we are in this mess in the first place…”
Before I could finish my sentence Chance place a kiss on my lips that made me forget the troubles. He gently rolled me from my side to my back and climbed atop my half naked body. Through his boxers I could feel his manhood swell as he expressed his love through a second kiss that sent waves of love pulsing through my veins.
“I love you Skye, and no matter what happens I always will”
“I love you too baby you know that” I replied with tears in my eyes
In one swift but gentle motion his removed my briefs and buried his face in my love. He caressed every inch of my body with his tongue as it would be the last time he would ever taste me. When my turn arrived I too bathed his with my tongue inch by inch expressing my faithfulness with every lick.
“I want to feel you inside me” I said with anticipation
“I thought you would never ask” he replied with a smile.
He mounted me from behind and slid his love wand deep into my tightness. My body tensed and my toes curled with shear bliss. Every stoke reminded me of his love and for the next hour we made enough love to keep hallmark in business for the next millennium.
“I want to try something” Chance said softly
“what is that my love”
“I want you to make love to me” he said with a smile.
I obliged his request as he lay on his back waiting with his eyes closed. I entered him gently as he let out a moan that was strange to my ears. His body locked up as I gently expressed my love to him. After we rained upon each other we lay staring into each others eyes saying nothing but speaking volumes.

The next morning my defense team began to lay out my account of the nights events, and over the course of the next two days we painted a picture of a lovers quarrel turned bad in the heat of passion. Ray-Ray was depicted as an unstable scorned lover who wanted revenge above all.
“The defense rests your honor” My lawyer said
The judge then invited the prosecutor to deliver his closing arguments. He went on for about ten minuets painting me as a cold blooded killer who enlisted the help of my love to “take care” of my problems. The look on the faces of the jurors was less than comforting. I was understandably worried when my defense team began delivering closing arguments. After what reminded me of a stirring sermon in a black church my attorney closed by saying "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I wish to give you a text from St. Matthew, 'Judge not, lest ye be judged,' and ask of you the consideration of this case that you bring into your hearts and into your consciences the feeling that you are weighing that which you cannot give back if you take it away-- life."
Streams of tears fell from the eyes of the jurors as the judge gave his instructions for deliberation. The jury silently filed out to decide my fate. Court adjourned around five pm that evening as the jury was still deliberating my fate. That night I brought the kids home with me and after explaining to the children what exactly was going on we retired to the theater to watch three of the Madea plays. The children fell asleep around 1 am and chance and I carried the up stairs to our bed. Somehow my children were always just what I needed to get through the night.
The next morning around 8 we entered the court to hear the decision of the jury.
“have you reached a verdict?” the judge asked nonchalantly
“yes we have your honor” The foreman said
“Would the defendant please rise” the judege said looking at me.
When I stood my knees buckled and I grabbed the table for support. The idea of being sent to prison blew my mind. I turned and looked at Chance who was seated just behind the defense table.
“I love you” he mouthed silently
“I love you too” I mouthed back turning to face my fate.
A court marshal retrieved the sealed verdict from the from the foreman and passed it to the judge who opened it and began looking over the documents. After a moment he looked at the jury.
“so say you all?”
“Yes we do” the replied in broken unison
The marshal then returned the paper to the Foreman who began to read.
“We the jury do unanimously find the following
Count one We the jury find Jaylen William Skye GUILTY of the crime of assault and battery
Count Two we the jury find Jaylen William Skye NOT GUILY of the crime of murder in the first degree but we do find The defendant Jaylen William Skye GUILTY of the lesser crime of Manslaughter as charged in the indictment.” The Jury foreman passed the paper back to the marshal. I had no idea what any of that meant, in fact all I had heard was guilty. The prosecutor then fought for me to be remanded to state custody to await sentencing. Luckily the judge did not see me as a flight risk and allowed me to return home. It was determined that I would not be sentenced untillt he conclusion of Chance’s trail. Life for me became a waiting game. There is no feeling in the world like waiting to find out if you will spend the rest of your life in a steel cage.

Chance's trail began just over a month after my conviction. I had received a subpoena to testify at chances trial, so not only was my presence expected it was non negotiable. Chances trial lasted just 3 days he had been charged with 4 counts of aggravated assault and second degree murder. When I took the stand I worried that each word I said may be the one that would send me lover to jail for the rest of his life. The trial was uneventful and as the jury filed in after just hours of deliberation I was fully prepared for what would come next. As if I hit the replay button on my own trail the Marshal took the sealed verdict to the judged who opened it, nodded and again said 'so say you all?. and passed the envelope to the jury foreman. He looked at me just before he began to read. I noticed red noses in the jury as if they had been crying, my heart began to races as the Foreman cleared his throat.
'We the jury do unanimously find the following
Count one, We the jury find Chance Thaddeus Williams GUILTY of the crime of Aggravated Assault
Count Two we the jury find Chance Thaddeus Williams GUILTY of the crime of murder in the Second degree as charged in the indictment..
My world stopped. I began to think of all the things we would miss out on in life, I thought about our children but the thing that hurt worst of all was knowing that he would never be able to hold me while I sleep or kiss me in the morning. My dismal reflection was interrupted by the pounding of the gavel. I tuned back into reality just in time to hear the judged remand my lover to state custody until the joint sentencing hearing in just 3 days. I immediately began to cry. That night with the house to myself I laid in my bed and cried myself to sleep. The next 3 days were an ode to my lost sanity. I didn't eat, I barely slept without a sleep aid, my life was over. I kept asking why all of this was happening to me. I never did anything to deserve the disaster I had come to call my life. I never got an answer so the tears continued.
The morning of the sentencing hearing was a somber one. I found myself saying goodbye to my home and putting on my best clothers jewelry and cologne to bid farewell to the free world. When I arrived I found chance already seated at the defense table . I joined him and held his hand tightly under the table as the proceedings began. The judge laid out the rules and procedures of the hearing, then asked the deputies to remove chance from the courtroom for my sentencing, Once he sorted through multiple papers he asked me to stand. I took a deep breath and held it as he began to read.
'My skye, you have been found guilty in a court of law by a jury of your peers of assault and manslaughter do you understand that?.
'yes your honor. I said respectfully.
'are you aware that I can sentence you to up to 25 years for those offenses?.
'yes your honor. I replied as the butterflies began bombarding my gut.
'It is the decision of this bench to sentence you to 10 years.
I gasped and braced myself on the table as the room began to spin.
'Mr skye, if I may finish.¦.
'O course your honor. I said attempting to gather myself
'I was going to say I sentence you to ten years, however I will suspend that sentence and impose probation for a period of 2 years, do you understand.
'I thing so your honor. I said breathing a sigh of relief
'Once the paperwork has been completed Mr. Skye you may go freely.. he siad smiling 'Bailiff Please bring in the other defendant, Mr skye I will have to ask you to step outside..
Suddenly I remembered that my lover was still facing a significant amount of jail time. My wait outside was tense I paced the hallway and did my best to listen in on the conversation taking place behind the massive double doors. My heart dropped as I heard the courtroom let out a loud gasp and erupt into tears and yells. I prepared myself for news of a life sentence. I heard the gavel banging and a few moments later while I hung my head and cried the double doors swung open and before I could lift my head I was picked up and spun around. Chances eyes met mine and the tears began to pour.
'Probation baby.¦Fucking probation can you believe it. I couldn't say a word 'Bae.¦Baby! Look at me.
'yes. I said still sobbing
'Lets go home!.
We walked outside and climbed into my saab and sped away from the courthouse. We stopped at my mothers house to pick up the children, and after explaining what had happened to her, we were on our way home. When we got home, we fired Benson and hired him as our best friend. Chance gave him a position over the studio in Atlanta. We decided that it was time for a simpler way of life, It was family time. We went for ice cream and swam in the pool as a family for the first time. Chance and I tucked the children in with a bedtime story and retreated to the bedroom to talk.
'baby do you know how blessed we are?. Chance asked
'baby we are bless in so many different ways, I feel like we owe god something.
'we do.¦ and I have a plan, but that doesn't matter right now.
'ok. I said puzzled
'baby listen, look just come out onto the balcony with me.
'im half-naked. I laughed
'me too who cares just come on.
We climbed out of the bed and I followed chance out onto the balcony.
'Look at this view, isn't it beautiful.
'yea, baby it is. I replied thinking that he had actually lost it this time
'Almost as beautiful as you.¦ I fucked all this up before, and I cant think of a better time place or way than right now underneath this full moon above the greatest city in the world to tell you that I love you, and that from the bottom of my heart im sorry for all of this. I promise to always take care of you and OUR kids and to make sure that all three of you never want for a thing.¦ I promise to always be around, to be faithful, but above all I promise to love you move than every grain of sand on this planet we call home.¦Skye, I fucking love you baby I could go crazy thinking about how much. Tears began to fall from his eyes and my tears soon followed. 'So its here, no gimmicks, no audience, just here on the roof of our dream house under god that I want to ask you to marry me, the right way this time.¦let me love you forever.
I couldn't speak, I tried to think of where he had stolen the lyrics, or who had written the piece of Shakespeare that he had just laid on me, but I knew better. Those were the words of the only man who would ever love me that way. So without an audience and without a gimmick, but through tears I let out a joyous 'yes.
God had answered my prayers and all of my question. Thru the wire to the limit to the wall Chance and I were going to be together forever. God may not show up when you want him, but he is always right on time to blow your mind. We spent the majority of the night researching venues and wedding planners.¦Chance and I were finally getting married,

The sun arose early on a Saturday morning in june to find me in the bed alone. I rolled over to kiss my lover but he was absent from the bed. I rolled over to look at the clock.
"oh my god! Its 10am"
I leapt to my feet becoming light-headed and developing a headache in the side of my head. The night before had been my bachelor party at the Alhambra palace. It was a night to remember open bar exotic dancers and plenty of laughs. But there was no time to reflect, I was about to be late for my own wedding. I ran into the bathroom to shower and brush my teeth. The wedding was at one and I knew it would take me every second to get ready. When I emerged from the shower dripping wet and obviously naked there stood beson with a towel snickering
"need a towel skye" he giggled
"yes Benson thank you,how could you let me over sleep"
"I told you not to make me finish that bottle of Patron shit I was asleep too" he laughed
"oh shit, where is my suit?"
"well I had the guest bedroom cleared and converted into a mini salon, the nail people are waiting along with the make-up artist and the tailor."
"you are a life saver, let me throw on some drws and ill be in there"
I hurried to the closet and found a pair of boxer briefs and a beater. After drying off I put on the drawers and headed into the 'spa' I was met with a furry of activity. Before the hour was over I had been turned in to me 3.0. I looked like a doll dressed in a French tailored tuxedo that had what we had come to call back of the church tails.
The wedding was originally scheduled to take place at the Congress hotel on Lake shore. I had hoped for a church wedding all my life and through a generous donation my future husband got me just what I wanted. We would be married in the holy name cathedral and the reception would be carried I out in grandeur at the congress hotel's gold room. Now as we sped toward the church the butterflies flew carelessly around in my stomach. My heart bled for Chance because I knew his parents would never approve. His father had passed away just a year before we met. He and his mother had not spoken in years.
When we arrived at the church something about the building took my breath away as if I was seeing it for the very first time. It was a traditional catholic edifice complete with a steeple that seemed to pierce the heavens. The ominous pinwheel of colorful glass welcomed us into the dimly lit vestibule. There I met with my groomsmen and brides maids, friends that gained over the past year, who would usher me into the greatest day of my life. Pair by pair they headed to the alter until the last pair had gone and the doors were closed in anticipation of my entrance. I never wanted to take the brides walk down the aisle but at chances insistence I had agreed. I closed my eyes and uttered a prayer of strength, just as I lifted my head the massive doors swung open and my breath was taken away. The church was beautiful, the aisle was lined in purple roses, with golden candle holders at each pew. The ceiling of the church rivaled the Sistine Chapel in Rome. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. As I inched closer to the alter I found my lover standing anxiously waiting to take my hand. When I reached the alter he stepped down and took my hand grinning like never before.
The minister began the ceremony. He welcomed the guest, he acknowledged the family and made a simple proposition.
"If anyone can show cause why these two should not be joined together let them speak now of forever hold their peace."
The full church sat in complete silence ,as is customary , much to my relief. "Let me charge you both to remember, that your future happiness is to be found in mutual consideration"
"HOLD IT REV!"
"yes" the rev said straining to see to the back of the church
"I object"
"on what grounds maam"
"this aint right"
"well may I ask who you are"
"my name is Karen Williams, and I am chances mother"
"OH SHIT….im so sorry rev" Chance said aloud
As she stepped out of the glare of the lights a beautiful middle aged woman with long black hair stood before us with a look of frustration.
"ma what are you doin here I know I didn't invite you because I knew"
She placed her fingers to his lips "you know nothing" she said softly as she kissed him on the cheek and grabbed my hand. "you must be Jaylen, its so nice to meet you" She smiled "thank god for Facebook, I have been looking for you, I always knew that you liked guys I just hoped you wouldn't act on it,but its too late now and from the way he talks about you to his friends on his wall I know you are in good hands,I don't know if you remember but a long time ago I told you that when you married I wanted you wife to wear my mothers wedding set,I had it cleaned and I called you mother Jaylen for your ring size. I want you to have it. It was a gift from an employer to my mom in 1948 it is a 28 karat Harry Winston set. I love you both and I am so proud of you,continue" she kissed both of us on our cheeks and sat beside my mother who winked at us.
"if I may continue" the Minister said clearing his throat
After all the formalities the time came for the vows. Chance went first
"Who ever thought that rainy day would bring me something so special, who ever thought that my ocd car washing habits would lead me to the love of a lifetime. Jaylen I love you, I love you so much my lifes works is just to be close to you forever. On this day I don't just marry you I marry Giselle, come here baby" he said looking at her. She came to the alter and he placed a small diamond ring on her finger and everyone began to cry "come here jr" He placed a titanium band identical the one I had gotten him on his finger.
"daddy loves you both so much, Jaylen I promise to always be there for you, never leave or forsake you. In sickness and in health im here for the long haul if you will have me. There's just one more thing I want to give you" He released my hand , reached into the lapel of his suit jacket and took out a mic. With that he sang Jamie Foxx's wedding vows bringing tears to my eyes and all that witnessed the display.
"Jaylen its your turn" the minister said
"I have walked a broken path to this point,you mended my broken heart and taught me how to love. I have dreamed of this moment since I was a child. I love you are my everything. I don't know why god gave you to me but I am perfectly happy with living the rest of my life thanking him for you. The children and I would have no one else forever. You're the one!
We exchanged rings shared a kiss that brought the entire church to a standing ovation. News cameras flashed as we boared the limo to the congress. Chance and I were the first gay couple married in the sate of Illinois and the press was having a field day. When we arrived at the Hotel we were met with more press. Inside the mood was calm and inviting. Chance and I were allowed to preview the room before the rest of the party arrived. The walls and ceiling were literally plastered with gold leaf. Its walls gave it the feel of a 19th Century room. The arched ceiling, fifty feet above the floor, was covered in a beautiful mural. it was illuminated clustered lights over the gallery that encircled the room. The table setting were equally stately gold and purple fabrics and flowers accented the formal atmosphere.
When the rest of the pary arrived and had been seated chance and I made our grand entrance. It was everything that I had dreamed of. We shared our first dance to Beyonce's Smash into you. The night was amazing all who attended had nothing great things to say, my mother even roasted the two of us. The gift table was piles high with gifts of all shapes and sizes. After doing the electric slide and having our final remarks. Chance and I bored a Roles Royce to the airport to catch a plane destined for Italy while My mother and the children followed to catch a flight to Disney world.
"baby?" I said
"yes honey"
"do you think we should send you mother, I mean I can believe she did what she did but it was cute and it was sincere"
"I think we should, let me make a call"
Chance called the private airliner and made reservations for his mother. We returned to the reception to pick her up and we were on our way.
"ITALY HERE WE COME" I yelled
"I just cant wait to meet the kids"Ms Williams said
"im sure you will love them and I know they will love you"
"well mom this is your stop" chance said
"ok baby I love you boys be safe, o yea im moving here" she said closing the door.
"OH SHIT" Chance and I said as if on cue and busted out laughing
"its gonna be a great life"
"yea it will baby I kno it will"
With that we shared a kiss and bored our flight to paradise.