ETERNAL

Its been two years since the day my fairytale ended sometimes I feel like such a fool because after that much time I should be over it, but the mere mention of the time I spent in wonderland on the third rock from the sun and I fall to pieces. I look around at all the happiness around me and then see my world that is shattering, shriveling. and withering before my eyes. Why does my rosebush refuse to bloom. If im noah where is my wade where is the force that drives me, the wall that I need to stand in front of me to guard me from the storm. While I watch my friends go home to sleep under their respective Romeos I sleep beside bubba my favorite stuffed animal the only thing that has been there every time my world fades to black. It all hurts like hell the loss of my job my thrust from my comfort zone into the streets of uncertainty pain and loneliness. Call me the green eyed monster I envy the happiness of others the security of most and the contentment off all. Most days I feel as if I’m doomed to be a successful lonely spinster with many guys but no man many boyfriends but no husband. And I know some will say I’m young but in my few years on earth I have amassed a wisdom that some ppl strive their whole lives to attain and I have suffered more pain than your average human being. Everything from a rift between my family and I. to watching rice be thrown over the man of my infant childhood elderly and eternal dreams as he stood before a minister and pledged his unyielding devotion to another. Some days I want to leave this old world. I used to be ashamed of myself because I was too much of a coward to even take myself out but today I thank my maker for that cowardliness that ironically protected be from a bold and brazen act of stupidity. I cried tonight when a friend of mine told me that my wizard of oz told him that he is afraid to loose me and he would lose his mind if he woke and god had taken me away from him. To him I would ask why cant you tell me these things and if you love me that much why do you push me away. why cant we just live happily ever after like we planned so long ago. Sometimes it feels like I love him more than I love my damn self. I feel like he is taking the easy way out the mainstream escape route and for that I hate him the truest sense of ambivalence I have ever known. As it pertains to a matter of the heart I aspire to be nothing more than his devoted lover truest friend shelter in the storm proud parent happy home owner with this man for the rest of my natural life. And on the day when god calls me home I will be waiting with bursting anticipation at the pearly gates with a love that transcends time space and challenges the imaginative capacities of the citizens of the world with a love that begun on a freezing night in February and lasts into infinity and beyond to eternity……….