The library of hearts

this is just a silly piece that popped into my head juss wanted to blog a lil of it

The day i saw the first man i wanted to be with it never occured to me that i had checked my first book out of the library of hearts. A thick chocolate leather bound new age work book of fiction one with many chapters twists and turns. He was one of those books that is not recommended for children. I should have read the blurb. Several chapters in i realized that the syntax was too complicated and the concepts were too mature so with a solemn despair i gently closed the book and placed it back on the shelf for the next patron. My next selection was a tall beautifully bound book that looked to be around 230 or so pages. I snatched it from the shelf just as another hand reached up for it and cracked the cover with foolish anticipation. This was a work of romantic fiction about two lovers who found each other on a winters day and were inseparable from that moment. The book was complex enough to challenge me but easy enough for me to fall in love with every sentence and hang on every word. But as all good romances do this one had a twist one so severe it broke my heart and left me tears as i slammed its cover and fought the urge to scatter the pages about the floor. I hate the library of hearts big books tall book shorts books and skinny book. Drama, science-fiction, romance, childrens and so many more to choose from. Since i left my last book laying in the aisle i have searched high and low for the non fiction/ autobiographical section to no avail. Over the years i have passed many study nooks and witnessed others happily enjoying their selection. where is my page turner the book that if judged by the cover would relfect the genius within. Is there a filing system maybe an index that could direct me in the right direction because i am overwhelmed by the millions of books some off limits some reserved and mistakenly placed back on the shelf. Others are missing pages or have long lost prequels that are no longer available. I think i could be rich if i made cliff notes for the selections in the library of hearts.

emily dickinson-felt a funeral in my brain

I felt a funeral in my brain,
And mourners, to and fro,
Kept treading, treading, till it seemed
That sense was breaking through.

And when they all were seated,
A service like a drum
Kept beating, beating, till I thought
My mind was going numb.

And then I heard them lift a box,
And creak across my soul
With those same boots of lead,
Then space began to toll

As all the heavens were a bell,
And Being but an ear,
And I and silence some strange race,
Wrecked, solitary, here.

And then a plank in reason, broke,
And I dropped down and down--
And hit a world at every plunge,
And finished knowing--then--

ODE TO MY PAST

(press play on Sia- Breathe Me b4 u start)

As i stand on the edge of life changing decision i bid a thankful goodbye to my past. I wave a painful goodbye to my silver spoon a thankful one to the hostility that i have carried around toward those who only wanted to help. I am so thankful for those who have stood by me thru these last few painful years. Thru the loss of the love of my life the painful disconnection from my family the loss o my job and realization that my delusion of grandeur was just that, a delusion. Most of all i thank those who have stood by me thru my diagnosis with HIV i want to say a special thank you to those friends that have come into my life as a result of that life changing news. This is so hard b/c i don't know how to walk away from my life, the friends i have known for years the home that i grew up in, my mother who loved the the hurt away and help me the quietly without judgment thru the hard times when she could. How do you move to a place where no one knows your name and start over, a place that you dont know how to navigate neither geographically nor socially. I sat and cried for three days asking god why...the loss of Zola almost sent me to the edge but god told me i wasn't asking for the right things. So i asked to release me from all of my vices set me free from my materialistic needs sever my ties with the familiar and empower to walk into the dark night knowing that he is taking me toward a bright new day. I got everything i asked for. So i stand on te edge of the rest of my life and im ready to dive in. I love you guys but i gotta go. Onward i say, away from sleepless night toward days filled wit smiles. I pray that love is on the way. Its been 2 years all alone and im ready for something new ive got a fresh canvas and this time i want the perfect man there to help me fill it with vibrant colors. To the friends who will make it thru this transition know that our relationship will never change and you better come see me just bring a jacket. Chicago here i come to shake the foundation and turn the city upside down cause that new new bitch is comin 2 town and i have plans 2 hang around for a while.

Breathe Me - Sia

This is an old piece I just came across

originally written June 24 2008

what i can i say its one of those days when you dont know whether to cry or rejoice you kno that conditional happiness. Its like everything will be peachy when, or just as soon or (worst of all) after. could it be that im being a damn fool or do i really love this man. am i blinded by riches or smitten by a fire that now burns deep within my soul o that man. o the warmth he brings me the smile he places so gently on my face but the cold that remains in his wake... so on those dark nights wha am i to do who can i run to? i dont want anyone else i let the feelings for man i have wanted for years fall to the wayside the night he proclaimed his love. but o the pain waiting for this to die this blockage that places a hold on us this damn in our raging river of passion. so do i drop anchor here or turn around a seek somethin new but why would i do that? i have invested so much time emotion. 2 days ago i realized that my love for ***** had died only to realize that my love for he who shall not be named had grown from an ember into an ever-growing blaze. but i have been down this road before i kno it very well so i kno i should avoid it b/c its full of sharp turns pot holes and last time i remember travailing this path the bridge to happiness was out. CRASH went my heart my love and life in to a deep black abyss but i digress. i have chosen to trust this man i have to ask if someone would go to so much trouble to keep me when im not puttin out and clearly he doesnt need me truth be told i need him more than he needs me. trust is such an elusive thing when it comes to me i trust no one and have no faith in things unseen outside of the holy realm. my motto is show me b/c i have come to learn if i dont see it its not there. o the joy that fills my heart when i think of all that we could be, the envy of the gay lifestyle, a model for the up and coming the Barack and Michelle of the ballroom scene, polished, he a double o me a **** us the couple to be reconed with a house on the hill a little puppy and love that transcends understanding. o the possibilities. i love him. i Love him i cant believe i can say it and mean it and like it im getting teary i should stop but for some reason my hands my heart my soul cant say enough to describe how i feel right now i dont know who this letter is destined for but its open to all to explore the convoluted mind of a wife destroyed, a lady damaged and a woman scorned who is slowly but surely falling in love

I WAS JUST GETTIN INTO DEF POETRY JAM

THIS IS POWERFUL


SO DAMN TRUE


SAY IT

Introducing C.James Audigier-Pariz

HOW DOES THE CAGED BIRD SING?

how does the caged bird sing? how does it find the strength or the wind to part its beak and serenade the room when all it has ever known are the decorative bars that it finds itself surrounded by. i liken my life to that of the caged bird. My rock and my hard place have come to resemble the golden bars of its cage. My golden bars are the many formalities and the quagmire of bureaucracy that block my way. My golden bars shine and shimmer like the mask of contentment that i wear everyday, a painting of a glamorous, beautiful, and happy person that i pretend to be. Each morning i must muster the strength to keep up this image which protects the broken distressed and depressed person within. How does this caged bird sing a happy song when disappointment and heartbreak are all it has ever known. No family support and two serious unhealed heartbreaks that must again convalesce each time i pass the right scene or hear the right song. My personal failures, my negative self image and the loneliness my god the lonliness are weighing my feet further into this black hole. My song would be a greatest hits album with no number one single. you see i dont have enough happy times to make an album barely enough to make one song. I have been innmy cage so long i forgot what freedom is like and i forgot the way out. God where are you i have been calling you for years now and i havent gotten so much as a text i fear that i am dfeeling my faith slip away. Im beginning to show signs of strain infact i think im about to crack under the pressure. Everytime i think i see daybreak i realize its just the glow of the headlights of a happy wealthy passerby driving past my shack of pain toward his mansion of happpiness. Where do i go from here? Somebody please wake me from this nightmare. Hold on help is on the way right, hold on to what? I feel like i was shoved off a transatlantic flight and now im in freefall right toward the deep blue sea of depression where i will drown cold and alone. So tell me how does the caged bird sing



The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
of things unknown but longed for still
and his tune is heard on the distant hill
for the caged bird sings of freedom.
-maya angelou

I KNOW WHY THE CAGED BIRD SINGS

A free bird leaps on the back of the wind
and floats downstream till the current ends
and dips his wing in the orange suns rays and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks down his narrow cage
can seldom see through his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
of things unknown but longed for still
and his tune is heard on the distant hill
for the caged bird sings of freedom.

The free bird thinks of another breeze
and the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn and he names the sky his own.

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
of things unknown but longed for still
and his tune is heard on the distant hill
for the caged bird sings of freedom.

The Transformation

The time is right im gonna pack my bags and take that journey up the road because over the mountains i see the bright sun shining and i believe ill find my happiness inside the glow. I dont know waht else to do in this blog but be real. The pain that i feel a daily basis is enough to warrant a morphine drip to the soul. My whole life i have just wanted to be sucessful and get away from this city. I love the people that surround me but it is important to understand i can no longer live here. I want to go somewhere far away from the pain away from my parents. This is my one chance to hit the reset button. I have torn my soul to pieces looking for that extra ounce of strength to press that damn button for years and i found it. If that means i leave zola behind thats just another layer that i shed with this move. Some may say im am running away from my problems but the truth is i am going to a place where i can shine where i have people who love me unconditionally and are willing to shelter me untill i can again stand on my own. I have never blogged this and its because prior to last monday i didnt mean it but here goes... i hate my parents from the depths of my soul they have left me broken and disillusioned with the future. While i am grateful for them giving me life i will move change my name and never return. It has occured to me that it is time to live my life for me and only me with no regrets. I will shoot for the moon and even if i fall i will land among the stars. Too many tears have been shed to many dreams have been shattered. The time has arrived. As my tears run out and my cheeks slowly dry to the mac matte finish that the world has grown accustomed to, my self confidence grows and i stand a little taller and when i finally stand tall enough to see over my mountain i will be blinded by the prosperity that god has in store for me.



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Now playing: India Aire - Beautiful
via FoxyTunes

The Silver lining

You never really know how god is going to bless you. Some of the things that you chalk of to the work or Satan can be gods plan to bless you beyond measure. Sometimes i believe god has to set you up to receive your blessing. Have you ever been driving and realized that had you not left your id badge or your morning cup of joe that the accident on the expressway could have been you? Or that the daycare held you up just long enough to avoid being a hostage in the latest hold up lol. I belive that it was gods plan that i be infected so that i cant infect the world with knowledge. So i can save young men educate families and change the world. Some days i thank god for healing, healing you ask. MMM MMMM good my healing is like Campbell chicken noodle soup for the soul. Comfort peace and soothing reassurance that this too shall pass. Some days i thank good for sickness most days i thank him for the rain others times i ask him for undestanding and patience as i pray. Some trust in horses some trust in chariots but i will trust in the name of the lord FOR the name of the lord is a strong tower the righteous can run their race and they are safe! Its just when you want to give up hope and get tired of tryin right before you throw it all away, that you tear thru the padding and bull and you find what had been there all along...the silver lining just waiting to bless you on this, God's appointed day.

My Experience- By My Boy Tay

This is a poem frm the talent show in Denver CO during the retreat i attended so many wonderful friends i miss u guys future blog to coma about my experiences

It’s funny how an accidental needle prick can send you to the doctors, and then they tell you, “You’re sick.” It could’ve been the flu, pink eye, or hell let me get stung by a bee, But oooh no, I was sooo lucky…I caught HIV. Aint this some shit. I’m Track Captain, president of my class, but now everybody won’t see that, just the gay boy that’s gonna die fast. Feelings of pain & hurt with thoughts of death flooded my heart, I was scared, I felt alone, I didn’t know where to start. Inside me was a spy, an evil agent on the prowl, until that day, I never knew how much you could hate 3 letters, 2 consonants and that damn vowel! The “I” as in “I,” Have it & “I”, must live with it. If this is this is the reason I was born then mommy should had swallowed or spit. Dear God, there’s people killing, abusing, and bombing, just look at the TV, How dare you sit back and let this happen to me! My face was tough and my front was just as fake, but inside I was a mess & it was myself, I started to hate. God must had seen my struggle & sent me a me a hero, my medical teacher, an old grandma and a surgical pro. She said “Baby, what’s da matter; you haven’t been your crazy self. I couldn’t hold it any longer & told her of my health. She took a deep breath & smacked me in the head. She said “and you just gonna mope and let it strike you dead, baby, you may have HIV, but I got diabetes and that’s a wonder. Hell, If we don’t take care of ourselves, we both gonna be 6.ft under.” I took a deep breath & smiled a real smile, something that felt so good, it had been a while. She then said, “When God lets something happen to you, say ok and put it to work, don’t let it take over because it wants to lurk.” After that, I always think how bad my life could’ve been, like boys, HIV..I was just one big sin. Now, who would’ve thought that one day I would be, in the company of young wonderful adults that are positive and just because of HIV, which makes me more happy about the future whichever way it may go. But what does lil ole me know, I just wrote the here poem for a talent show.

The breath of llife

Ok so tonight in support group or facilitator told us to imagine that we woke up very disoriented with family and friends standing around. Suddenly it becomes apparent that you are lying in a hospital bed. Amid the low chatter you hear the doctor tell you mother to call in the family and finalize the plans for you only have 2 weeks to live. She then asked us what goes thru your mind. I began to wonder if i would thing of the things i had never gotten to do, the dreams that never came true the man i never found, the home i never brought and things of that sort. Or would i think about the mistakes i made and the time i wasted being mad a about stupid shit. in any case at that moment that hit me, life is too short. The saying is true there is no yesterday for it has gone and the is no tomorrow for its not guaranteed theres no day but today. All thru this whole ordeal that fact had never really meant that much to me. I began to think about living for today yet planning for tomorrow i thought about how i can cut down on time wasting and increase productivity, These thoughts coincided with deep contemplation about why i felt so stagnant in life. For a moment i saw everything so clearly. Then our facilitator drove it home she told us that someone in the room had zero t cells and had barely made it out of the hospital alive. Immediately tears, for a man i do not kno, began to flood my eyes i realized how stupid i have been to waste so much tme wallowing in my sorrow. I thought about how ungrateful i had been about having medicine and being healthy. I considered how much i poison my body. Suddenly i was overcome with joy. You may ask y and the reason is... god is awesome he is so good he gently rests upon me every morning to wake me and embraces tenderly until i drift off to sleep. God has kept me, he has given me peace and understanding in a time of storm and the will to live when others have chosen to die. My cup runs over with the little thing. I have had a few people ask what am i thankful for well, im happy for my life because it is a gift i am thankful for gods love and finally i thank god for my healing. Healing is not always in the body it starts with the soul which god has mended it trickles into the heart which god has patched the heart will heal the body someday even if its by a love of ppl that inspires someone to find a cure. My healing is the will to live the drive to succeed and the need to be a light for others. That's why i did my interview that is why my status is public and most of all that is why i have allowed my face to be on the front lines fighting for a HIV?AIDS free 2morrow! get at me 4 more info

THE HEART OF THE MATTER - INDIA ARIE

This song spoke 2 me i juss wanted 2 share

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And all the struggles we went through
How I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
And the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work they put between us,
You know it doesn't keep us warm

I've been trying to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
The more I know, the less I understand
And all the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my heart is so shattered
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

All the people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; cause life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside

I wanna be happily everafter
And my heart is so shattered
But I know it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if you don't love me anymore
Even if you don't love me anymore

CONFESSIONS OF A HEARTBROKEN LONELY SOCIALITE

The constitution of the United states promises us 3 things, life which is given by god liberty which was forged by our forefathers and the pusuit of happiness. It is so ironic that they give us 2 things but charge us with the task of pursuing one. Happiness comes in many different forms for many different people. Some dream of wealth and prosperity others dream of the american dream white picket fence and all. I am a lil different. In all of my prayers hopes and dreams i wish for that which most do but i also long for a love that will rival all loves to come. Tonight as i sat and watch the Sex in the City movie i became jealous. A sense of loneliness that i have not know for a long time now encompassed me and i wept. The most simple things cause me to feel this way. I dont need houses and cars to be happy. A man with a lot of money is great but i dont need it. I want a man who can be there for me when times are ruff argue with me when we dont agree cringe when i grit my teeth in my sleep hold me when i cry and wipe the tears when im done. Is this too much to ask. If you are out there man of my dreams let me be the first to know. You cant imagine how hard it is to process one guy after another in the pursuit of my happiness, it is so draining. It has been almost 2 years since i have had a man to hold me when i sleep and kiss me when i awake. Person after person ask me a simple yet not so simple question, your beautiful smart and intelligent why are you single? I dont have the answer to that question and i fear i may never know. In this dark time in my life i just need someone 2 let me know its all gonna be ok. i want to love, i want to love like i have never wanted to love before. im ready. In this ifestyle everyone is so image conscious brows and labels balls and houses, i guess that is why i dont fit in. I go to great lengths to make myself beautiful, i mean come one everyone knows i have the brows of fury, but every mornin as i do my face darken my hair and make ready for the day and each night as i exfoliate and prepare for bed i wonder what is it all for? Being pretty is hard work many men see us pretty boys as unattainable spineless and bitchy. i am not one of those pretty boys. I am a housewife and loving spouse i am the man of your dreams. Most men are just 2 afraid to find out why. Rarely do most socialites give you a glimpse into their personal memoirs but these are mine. I share them with the hopes of finding love and my samantha charlotte and miranda. These are the confessions of a heartbroken socialite and you readers are my critics. thank you for your readership feedback and love.

UNTILL THE DAY I DIE

every night before i go to sleep i ask god if its wrong for me 2 hate u but i dont kno why because as hard as i try i just cant seem 2 convince myself that i care any less for you today than i did in salem gardens days. true, indeed that was along time ago and in my heart i grieve b/c the man i knew and loved is dead and gone and i kno nothing about the man that i see pictured in his vestments. i go thru the day thinkin of u and go 2 sleep at night praying and longing for you. respect me enough to read this and take it for what it is its a confession and a man of you religious valor should understand that. i feel stupid the craziest things remind me of u fights in the streets wssu my black watch bishop wl washingtons cd tye tribett and ga i made it thru, i could go on and on. i was inspired 2 write this b/c last night as i listened to Micheal Jackson's heal the world and i asked myself i wonder if he thinks of me. i dnt kno who ur newest chick is but i envy her as i will the ones 2 come b/c not even ur mother will ever love u the way i do. i ask god 2 burden ur heart with that fact. and yes i ask god for things assoc. with what u call a sin but as i see it god is love and love is of god and its never wrong in any form. my love is real. after i send this i feel as though i may never hear from u again but i hold tru 2 my word, if we cant be then i cant know you my soul is tied to urs. i think if i ever do find someone who completes me half as much as u did he will be cheated b/c a piece of my heart is pinned to your coat tail and it will follow u forever. before i grew up i would not be able to say this next part but i have matured and here it is...i wish nothin but the best 4 u i speak prosperity over ur life in the name of the creator i pray all your hopes and dreams will come 2 pass pressed down shaken together and running over and finally i hope that god opens ur eyes and broadens ur narrow horizons. i will close saying this...my love runs long like the nile, crimson like the red sea, high like mt everest and low live the grand canyon may u always remember that. never forget me never stop loving me cause i kno u do and i swear a solemn promise on my very life i will never stop lovin u.
always and forever

Gay Marrige Yes or No--A political take

Ok so the other day a close "friend" of mine posed a question "gay marriage yes or no?" of course given my sexual prerogative i said yes. He then told me that a preacher had asked "so what about bisexual people?". the response seems simple but when you begin to let it marinate, as it has for me all week, you begin to question your natural response. A gay marriage bill would protect the civil liberties of homosexual me and women all over the country. Lets analyze that idea. Civil liberty is an interesting subject. when you think about it you must ask yourself is it really possible to protect every persons civil liberties? The main argument is "i should be able to marry whomever i want". Now, back to the preachers argument, if one applies that to the seeming rational argument to the pro-gay marriage position you have a problem. If a bisexual person loves a man and a woman he/she should be able to marry both right? That is after all what the argument suggests. I, in response to the argument my friend brought up, said that's not rational nor is it right. Hmmmm but why? That is the argument of the opposition, its just not right. However in the quagmire that is politics what is right and what is wrong? What civilized and even most industrialized groups consider to right is the view of the majority. Majority vote is after all how we make laws right? So i ask, if you had been the person that the pastor had raised his argument against what would your response have been. but be careful not to get tangled up in your own opinion. It is common knowledge that in order to win a debate you must be firm in your position but educated on the opposition.

He Proposed - Kelly Price

ROAD WORK AHEAD

In my rearview i see a rough and curvy rough road, paved with pain and disappointment huge potholes created by the absence of validation and a convoluted self image.The series of unfortunate events i have come to call my life have come together to make the diamond that stands before you. For the pressure of an absent family life, my diagnosis, and broken heart have forged a rough path that will soon be paved with success and prosperity. The place where i stand today is the start line to the rest of my life. In the mix of jabber about cd4 counts viral loads reverse and protease inhibitors it is easy to become overwhelmed and lose your way. I have come to know that i serve a god that never puts more on us than we can bear and I'm doing just fine. Going forward i plan to finish up at wssu then on to med school for pharmacy. I have decided i want to learn more about the drugs that combat the virus. I see marriage off in the distance i dont know who he is just yet but ill know him for sure when i see him, he might be in my circle already*wink*. I want a nice house unbreakable bond and an overall sense of well being and security. i want trust and above all undying unconditional love all the way until the bittersweet end. My hope for my American dream was validated today when i talked briefly to a man who i had a lil crush on but now I look forward to just getting to know him on a friendly level. He talks so happily about his relationship it is evident how fulfilling it is by the glow that radiates from him each i i see him. I use his current place in life as a mile marker on the road to my manifesting destiny. My road to recovery is paved with the restoration of my self confidence and image. after you diagnosed the major thing of a vain persons mind is not looking sick, a pimple suddenly becomes a sign of sickness to no one but yourself. I am adjusting simply by reminding myself that I'm not sick i instead have a well maintained virus. My recovery is further dependent on the healing of my torn and tattered heart. A Major part of my recovery has been this blog, just sharing my story. It takes a lot to bare all to the world so i thank all of you in advance for not judging me or treating me differently. The major dilemma hen deciding to come out is who will want me, allow me to address those men who create that insecurity. We all come with baggage, it comes with the miles. My baggage is stamped with all the locations i have traveled and filled with tickets to where I'm going. I'm not where i wanna be but thank go I'm not where i used to be. I beautiful I'm smart and you know what I'M POSITIVE

Royalty - Byron Cage

ANATOMY OF AN INFECTION

PART II- ANATOMY OF AN INFECTION
Wssu presented many opportunities to which i had never been privy to. Freedom in extra helping size scoops. I didn't really know what to do with it. I quickly became a fashion sensation and a popular socialite but i still hid that insecurity and pain which had plagued me since high school. I began to look for that love in many different places and people i quickly learned that this was not the way to heal myself so i started to look for that long term love. I found it or at least i thought i did on a cool January night in Gleason hall. It was a love to end all loves romeo and Juliet had nothing on us, and beauty and the beast could have kissed our asses we were 2 gorgeous men making everyone jealous. The relationship was perfect the love unrivalled the love making passionate. I began to look toward the horizon i saw my life coming in to view. I imagined marrying this man finishing school moving to a new city and living the life. Its so funny how god has a whole other plan for your life. On march 7th my life changed forever. After stressing about a cold that wouldn't go away, glands that were swollen and tender and this lingering feeling that something was amiss that i just couldn't shake i went to the doctor for some routine tests. Everything seemed normal but just to be sure the doctor decided to give me an oral HIV test. Confident that all was well i sat content in the little office awaiting my results. The next few moments seem to have unfolded in slow motion the doctor walked in, sat down and opened the envelope.........well Mr hardy it seems that the test is p o s i t i v e. It seemed as if the word took an eternity feeling like i had been shot down my mind started to race from who when why me. I tried to stand but instead collapsed to the floor. I first told my ex he sat in disbelief and cried i called my husband and told him he cried but assured me that everything would be fine...not exactly this was the start of the collapse of my fairytale. At the time i needed him most he left me. For those of u who know about this man and never knew y we broke up this is it. I had no where to turn i could tell my fam, who could i run to? For anything but the first time in my life i was all alone. You know what was really fucked up i ended up positive the one time i slipped up but hey the first time you cross the road without looking may be the last so who's to say. If you guys want more detail just ask for another blog of send me a message. again this is extremely condensed.

SURVIVING THE STORM

PREFACE
Today i was blessed to sit in a room full of guys who i have come to love respect and cherish. To you guys i say you are my rocks i trust you guys with my inner most feelings and i thank you for not judging me but instead lifting me up to be the best girl (lol) i can be. To the men of that group to put it simply i love you guys so much. To my fave white-skinned girl and my newest best friend i just wanna let you kno how much i value your friendship and mentoring that will help me be on the front lines fighting with the veterans of the struggle.

PART 1-SURVIVING THE STORM
I will begin my memoirs during my time at independence high school. High school is such an important time in a teens life. Lasting friendships parties and the first real taste of pure unadulterated shade. These year are usually some of the happiest most memorable years. For me Aug 2002 was the start of a long battle to stay alive. My family life was always a little unstable but during my matriculation at bIg the figurative house of cards collapsed. I was outed by a series of events that unfolded to include criminal charges and a family feud that lives on to this very moment. From that day it was all downhill. My parents began to shelter me i was not allowed to do anything, School was like a double edged sword it was my escape but it was also very draining to try to maintain a look of happiness and contentment when my support system was collapsing all around me. I fell in love with a man who shall remain nameless those of you who were around at that time kno to whom i am referring. Finally the void from the absence of love and validation had been filled. How many of you know that all that glitters ain't gold? In December 2005 the shit hit the fan my mom couldn't stand me the rift between my father and i turned into the grand canyon. The beatings got worse the holes in the wall, bigger and the the fractures in my glass heart, enumerable. Three days before Xmas my parents put me out, there was no Xmas that year. Depression set in and i lost sight of myself. Life became a constant struggle not to lose my life at the hands of...me. I was sent to see a shrink as the depression got worse, i fought this battle alone and in secret in the midst of keeping up this grandiose illusion at school of a well composed fab bitch: A lie i told to myself and all those around me. I returned home charges were pressed in the throw around of the following weeks, my parents put me out. I returned home a couple months later just in time to receive my acceptance letter from wssu a glimmer of hope in a world of dispare. The first in a series of heartbreaks happened just days after graduation when i left my ex to better myself. This chapter is condensed but it is the place from which most of my insecurity stems.

FIRST PERSON DEMONSTRATIVE- Phyllis Gottlieb

I'd rather

heave half a brick then say

I love you, though I do

I'd rather

wrench off an arm then hug you though

it's what I long to do

I'd rather

gather a posy of poison ivy than

ask if you love me

so if my

hair doesn't stand on end it's because

I never tease it

and if my heart isn't in my mouth it's because

it knows it's place

and if I

don't take a bite out of your ear it's because

gristle grips my guts

and if you

miss the message better get new

glasses and read it twice

- Phyllis Gottlieb

THE BOTTOM OF A BOTTOMLESS PIT

day to day it takes all of my strength to hold me head high in spite of all of the pain that i hide deep inside most days i just want to leave this world one way or another. im almost tempted to stop taking all of my meds and just let myself drift away. In november i lost my job and in turn lost my world my home gone my lifestyle gone every inkling of security that allowed me to sleep soundly at night and dream dreams of happiness is gone. I feel like a paper bag blowing in the wind no way to steer no control over my direction. My mother is my biggest source of stress she simply does not care about me i guess she want me to be homeless and go live in a shelter. Its looking like im gonna lose my car the last thing that ties me to reality if that goes away im not sure where ill end up. i really think i might in a place where suicide would be a viable escape clause. I just want it all to end all of the pressures of life i just want them to drift away whether it happens by a life turn or by a self inflicted eternal slumber. I have no one who wants to support me nto one who wants to help me out of my rut. When this is all over and i get on my feet i honestly want to move so far away and only call on thanksgiving and christmas every other year. Its bad when the way your family, who should be your support system, treats you so badly that you just want to forget who they are. In my delecate position i would think if no one else would hold my hand my family would at least try, they have not even attempted to do that. I hope that my life turns and door begin to open. at this point my return to WSSU which i have so looked forward to is anything but definite. Somebody please save me from myself.........

One Last Breath - Creed

WHO AM I?

My head knocks against the stars.

My feet are on the hilltops.

My finger-tips are in the valleys and shores of universal life.

Down in the sounding foam of primal things I reach my hands and play with pebbles of destiny.

I have been to hell and back many times.

I know all about heaven, for I have talked with God.

I dabble in the blood and guts of the terrible.

I know the passionate seizure of beauty

And the marvelous rebellion of man at all signs reading "Keep Off."

My name is Truth and I am the most elusive captive in the universe.

By Carl Sandburg

ETERNAL

Its been two years since the day my fairytale ended sometimes I feel like such a fool because after that much time I should be over it, but the mere mention of the time I spent in wonderland on the third rock from the sun and I fall to pieces. I look around at all the happiness around me and then see my world that is shattering, shriveling. and withering before my eyes. Why does my rosebush refuse to bloom. If im noah where is my wade where is the force that drives me, the wall that I need to stand in front of me to guard me from the storm. While I watch my friends go home to sleep under their respective Romeos I sleep beside bubba my favorite stuffed animal the only thing that has been there every time my world fades to black. It all hurts like hell the loss of my job my thrust from my comfort zone into the streets of uncertainty pain and loneliness. Call me the green eyed monster I envy the happiness of others the security of most and the contentment off all. Most days I feel as if I’m doomed to be a successful lonely spinster with many guys but no man many boyfriends but no husband. And I know some will say I’m young but in my few years on earth I have amassed a wisdom that some ppl strive their whole lives to attain and I have suffered more pain than your average human being. Everything from a rift between my family and I. to watching rice be thrown over the man of my infant childhood elderly and eternal dreams as he stood before a minister and pledged his unyielding devotion to another. Some days I want to leave this old world. I used to be ashamed of myself because I was too much of a coward to even take myself out but today I thank my maker for that cowardliness that ironically protected be from a bold and brazen act of stupidity. I cried tonight when a friend of mine told me that my wizard of oz told him that he is afraid to loose me and he would lose his mind if he woke and god had taken me away from him. To him I would ask why cant you tell me these things and if you love me that much why do you push me away. why cant we just live happily ever after like we planned so long ago. Sometimes it feels like I love him more than I love my damn self. I feel like he is taking the easy way out the mainstream escape route and for that I hate him the truest sense of ambivalence I have ever known. As it pertains to a matter of the heart I aspire to be nothing more than his devoted lover truest friend shelter in the storm proud parent happy home owner with this man for the rest of my natural life. And on the day when god calls me home I will be waiting with bursting anticipation at the pearly gates with a love that transcends time space and challenges the imaginative capacities of the citizens of the world with a love that begun on a freezing night in February and lasts into infinity and beyond to eternity……….

EMPTY

Do you ever learn to be lonely? Does the heart ever auto fill its void. Will life ever be as full alone as it would be if you had someone to share it with. This life for me me hurts like hell i live day to day with a big smile gorgeous face great clothes and live what appears to be the american dream. Well its all a lie. Im so empty on the inside like a once booming factory that has now been closed due to recession. I am filled wit envy anytime i see the perfect couple walk by of a happy family out for a shopping adventure because for most of my life it has been me myself and i. In a room full of people i still feel alone. I dont understand how i can be too good for some and not good enough for others where do i fit in. These are my confessions my deepest feelingS that are never visible on the surface, a facade that hides a trembling, empty little boy. My future is uncertain i really cant decide where i wanna be what i wanna do with my life. so until the day i do i guess i will juss try to make it from day to day, the days in the life of a heartbroken socialite

SEXUALITY AN ELUSIVE CONCEPT

I caution my readers on this one, if your life ideals are shaped exclusively by your religion, you may wanna look away now. No w for those who are still with me and have some self directed thought lets get into the meat and potatoes. I want to pose a question...what is heterosexuality. Sexuality is one of the biggest issues in the political arena today, but what shapes sexuality. If you think about it is it still wrong? Some churches preach that being gay is just wrong and that it is possible to be delivered thought the power of Christ. I might lose some people on this but i say WHATEVER. Now those of you who have read my stuff know that my thoughts are always rooted in a truth i have found for myself. Praying to be straight is like being black and praying to be white. I was born this way and i dont think there is anything to change. There was a time when i served on a praise team at a certain church here in Charlotte i forced into believing that i had to change. I fasted i went into trance like meditation and prayer beseeching the blood of Christ to was away my impurities. There came a day when i truly believe the spirit of god came upon me and let me know that he loved me just as i am. Now onto those who never get the message that suppress their urges. Now maybe im wrong but i always learned that the thought was just as wrong as the action so if you think about a man to get up to do your wife is that wrong. Are you going to hell? I mean you followed the christian way, got married had kids and stopped messing with the same sex but... you fantasized? It is a common misconception that just because a man is married that he is following the christian way. that bull no man will be able to deny himself for the rest of his life. Now what about those who stop acting on their urges but never mess with the opposite sex. I don't thing a sovereign god like the one i serve would subject some individuals to a life of denial while the other 98% of the population lives a holy FULFILLING life. Being a homosexual is just as much a physical thing as it is a mind set. If your body reacts to a mans touch GUESS WHAT? so are you going to go to hell because you hedonistic id caused your sex to grow a the gently brush of a mans rear across your front as he squeezes by on the city bus or in the church pew. Now i happen to be a baptist but there seems to be a stark difference in the beliefs of Pentecostal churches on the issue of homosexuality however i think i may step on some toes so ill leave it at that. Please comment i want to know what you guys think but please be open minded its the key to life. I love you guys. i really just lived this topic with an ex of mine and i just really needed to share. shout out to Brandon Hughes for inspiring me.

Make Me Over - Tonex

BEAUTIFUL NIGHTMARES

You know how you meet someone and from that meeting it seems like something promising could materialize. The days turn into weeks, those to months and all appears to be running smoothly. O but there is always that one day the first time they don't call on their lunch break or he doesn't walk you to the car in the morning. That's the day when it becomes easy to slack off.suddenly your gorgeous sweet dream has become a beautiful nightmare. It always hurts when you invest your dream in someone start thinking about the future with them right by you side picking out drapes seeing which Mercedes would look good together in the driveway of your new home. in this person you see you future and wonder how you made it thru you past without them. Its in this security that you think all your dreams could come true. funny we never stop to think that nightmares are dreams too

SLOW MOTION - Karina Pasian