ROAD WORK AHEAD

In my rearview i see a rough and curvy rough road, paved with pain and disappointment huge potholes created by the absence of validation and a convoluted self image.The series of unfortunate events i have come to call my life have come together to make the diamond that stands before you. For the pressure of an absent family life, my diagnosis, and broken heart have forged a rough path that will soon be paved with success and prosperity. The place where i stand today is the start line to the rest of my life. In the mix of jabber about cd4 counts viral loads reverse and protease inhibitors it is easy to become overwhelmed and lose your way. I have come to know that i serve a god that never puts more on us than we can bear and I'm doing just fine. Going forward i plan to finish up at wssu then on to med school for pharmacy. I have decided i want to learn more about the drugs that combat the virus. I see marriage off in the distance i dont know who he is just yet but ill know him for sure when i see him, he might be in my circle already*wink*. I want a nice house unbreakable bond and an overall sense of well being and security. i want trust and above all undying unconditional love all the way until the bittersweet end. My hope for my American dream was validated today when i talked briefly to a man who i had a lil crush on but now I look forward to just getting to know him on a friendly level. He talks so happily about his relationship it is evident how fulfilling it is by the glow that radiates from him each i i see him. I use his current place in life as a mile marker on the road to my manifesting destiny. My road to recovery is paved with the restoration of my self confidence and image. after you diagnosed the major thing of a vain persons mind is not looking sick, a pimple suddenly becomes a sign of sickness to no one but yourself. I am adjusting simply by reminding myself that I'm not sick i instead have a well maintained virus. My recovery is further dependent on the healing of my torn and tattered heart. A Major part of my recovery has been this blog, just sharing my story. It takes a lot to bare all to the world so i thank all of you in advance for not judging me or treating me differently. The major dilemma hen deciding to come out is who will want me, allow me to address those men who create that insecurity. We all come with baggage, it comes with the miles. My baggage is stamped with all the locations i have traveled and filled with tickets to where I'm going. I'm not where i wanna be but thank go I'm not where i used to be. I beautiful I'm smart and you know what I'M POSITIVE

Royalty - Byron Cage

ANATOMY OF AN INFECTION

PART II- ANATOMY OF AN INFECTION
Wssu presented many opportunities to which i had never been privy to. Freedom in extra helping size scoops. I didn't really know what to do with it. I quickly became a fashion sensation and a popular socialite but i still hid that insecurity and pain which had plagued me since high school. I began to look for that love in many different places and people i quickly learned that this was not the way to heal myself so i started to look for that long term love. I found it or at least i thought i did on a cool January night in Gleason hall. It was a love to end all loves romeo and Juliet had nothing on us, and beauty and the beast could have kissed our asses we were 2 gorgeous men making everyone jealous. The relationship was perfect the love unrivalled the love making passionate. I began to look toward the horizon i saw my life coming in to view. I imagined marrying this man finishing school moving to a new city and living the life. Its so funny how god has a whole other plan for your life. On march 7th my life changed forever. After stressing about a cold that wouldn't go away, glands that were swollen and tender and this lingering feeling that something was amiss that i just couldn't shake i went to the doctor for some routine tests. Everything seemed normal but just to be sure the doctor decided to give me an oral HIV test. Confident that all was well i sat content in the little office awaiting my results. The next few moments seem to have unfolded in slow motion the doctor walked in, sat down and opened the envelope.........well Mr hardy it seems that the test is p o s i t i v e. It seemed as if the word took an eternity feeling like i had been shot down my mind started to race from who when why me. I tried to stand but instead collapsed to the floor. I first told my ex he sat in disbelief and cried i called my husband and told him he cried but assured me that everything would be fine...not exactly this was the start of the collapse of my fairytale. At the time i needed him most he left me. For those of u who know about this man and never knew y we broke up this is it. I had no where to turn i could tell my fam, who could i run to? For anything but the first time in my life i was all alone. You know what was really fucked up i ended up positive the one time i slipped up but hey the first time you cross the road without looking may be the last so who's to say. If you guys want more detail just ask for another blog of send me a message. again this is extremely condensed.

SURVIVING THE STORM

PREFACE
Today i was blessed to sit in a room full of guys who i have come to love respect and cherish. To you guys i say you are my rocks i trust you guys with my inner most feelings and i thank you for not judging me but instead lifting me up to be the best girl (lol) i can be. To the men of that group to put it simply i love you guys so much. To my fave white-skinned girl and my newest best friend i just wanna let you kno how much i value your friendship and mentoring that will help me be on the front lines fighting with the veterans of the struggle.

PART 1-SURVIVING THE STORM
I will begin my memoirs during my time at independence high school. High school is such an important time in a teens life. Lasting friendships parties and the first real taste of pure unadulterated shade. These year are usually some of the happiest most memorable years. For me Aug 2002 was the start of a long battle to stay alive. My family life was always a little unstable but during my matriculation at bIg the figurative house of cards collapsed. I was outed by a series of events that unfolded to include criminal charges and a family feud that lives on to this very moment. From that day it was all downhill. My parents began to shelter me i was not allowed to do anything, School was like a double edged sword it was my escape but it was also very draining to try to maintain a look of happiness and contentment when my support system was collapsing all around me. I fell in love with a man who shall remain nameless those of you who were around at that time kno to whom i am referring. Finally the void from the absence of love and validation had been filled. How many of you know that all that glitters ain't gold? In December 2005 the shit hit the fan my mom couldn't stand me the rift between my father and i turned into the grand canyon. The beatings got worse the holes in the wall, bigger and the the fractures in my glass heart, enumerable. Three days before Xmas my parents put me out, there was no Xmas that year. Depression set in and i lost sight of myself. Life became a constant struggle not to lose my life at the hands of...me. I was sent to see a shrink as the depression got worse, i fought this battle alone and in secret in the midst of keeping up this grandiose illusion at school of a well composed fab bitch: A lie i told to myself and all those around me. I returned home charges were pressed in the throw around of the following weeks, my parents put me out. I returned home a couple months later just in time to receive my acceptance letter from wssu a glimmer of hope in a world of dispare. The first in a series of heartbreaks happened just days after graduation when i left my ex to better myself. This chapter is condensed but it is the place from which most of my insecurity stems.

FIRST PERSON DEMONSTRATIVE- Phyllis Gottlieb

I'd rather

heave half a brick then say

I love you, though I do

I'd rather

wrench off an arm then hug you though

it's what I long to do

I'd rather

gather a posy of poison ivy than

ask if you love me

so if my

hair doesn't stand on end it's because

I never tease it

and if my heart isn't in my mouth it's because

it knows it's place

and if I

don't take a bite out of your ear it's because

gristle grips my guts

and if you

miss the message better get new

glasses and read it twice

- Phyllis Gottlieb

THE BOTTOM OF A BOTTOMLESS PIT

day to day it takes all of my strength to hold me head high in spite of all of the pain that i hide deep inside most days i just want to leave this world one way or another. im almost tempted to stop taking all of my meds and just let myself drift away. In november i lost my job and in turn lost my world my home gone my lifestyle gone every inkling of security that allowed me to sleep soundly at night and dream dreams of happiness is gone. I feel like a paper bag blowing in the wind no way to steer no control over my direction. My mother is my biggest source of stress she simply does not care about me i guess she want me to be homeless and go live in a shelter. Its looking like im gonna lose my car the last thing that ties me to reality if that goes away im not sure where ill end up. i really think i might in a place where suicide would be a viable escape clause. I just want it all to end all of the pressures of life i just want them to drift away whether it happens by a life turn or by a self inflicted eternal slumber. I have no one who wants to support me nto one who wants to help me out of my rut. When this is all over and i get on my feet i honestly want to move so far away and only call on thanksgiving and christmas every other year. Its bad when the way your family, who should be your support system, treats you so badly that you just want to forget who they are. In my delecate position i would think if no one else would hold my hand my family would at least try, they have not even attempted to do that. I hope that my life turns and door begin to open. at this point my return to WSSU which i have so looked forward to is anything but definite. Somebody please save me from myself.........

One Last Breath - Creed

WHO AM I?

My head knocks against the stars.

My feet are on the hilltops.

My finger-tips are in the valleys and shores of universal life.

Down in the sounding foam of primal things I reach my hands and play with pebbles of destiny.

I have been to hell and back many times.

I know all about heaven, for I have talked with God.

I dabble in the blood and guts of the terrible.

I know the passionate seizure of beauty

And the marvelous rebellion of man at all signs reading "Keep Off."

My name is Truth and I am the most elusive captive in the universe.

By Carl Sandburg