Tired

I'm just trying to understand what god wants from me. Every time i feel like things just might be going right something comes out of left field and knocks me off my square. I'm cried out yet my my emotions and body keep going thru the motions. I swear some days i just want to disappear into a cloud of nothing, since nothing i do is ever good enough, my timing is never right, I'm never pretty enough or nice enough, or perfect enough. Maybe i just never do anything right? I'm trying to convince myself that god is raising me up for something better but i have this sinking feeling that i will never truly know what happiness  really is. Y'all i just wanna be happy, i just wanna stop crying, i wanna stop struggling i wanna see increase and above all i just don't wanna be the one with egg on my face once again. I'm so angry, I'm so angry its scary. The need to retaliate, the need to carry a vendetta. There are so many people i harbor so much hate for and i cant seem to sing it off, cry it off or even pray it off. I'm mad as hell, twice scorned and downgraded daily.I'm in so much pain but its the kind that no drink can ease, and no drug can soothe. I threw my last little bit of glitter in the air and it wasn't nearly as beautiful as i thought i would be. Why don't i ever win, why is it every time i can taste the sweet aroma of victory just over the next hill i get knocked back to square one...I'm tired and my faith is fleeting, so now as only a cancer can i return to my shell for it seems that i am doomed to be a bitter bitch forever.
Life: 2 Christian: 0
and that's the way it always has been.