ODE TO MY PAST

(press play on Sia- Breathe Me b4 u start)

As i stand on the edge of life changing decision i bid a thankful goodbye to my past. I wave a painful goodbye to my silver spoon a thankful one to the hostility that i have carried around toward those who only wanted to help. I am so thankful for those who have stood by me thru these last few painful years. Thru the loss of the love of my life the painful disconnection from my family the loss o my job and realization that my delusion of grandeur was just that, a delusion. Most of all i thank those who have stood by me thru my diagnosis with HIV i want to say a special thank you to those friends that have come into my life as a result of that life changing news. This is so hard b/c i don't know how to walk away from my life, the friends i have known for years the home that i grew up in, my mother who loved the the hurt away and help me the quietly without judgment thru the hard times when she could. How do you move to a place where no one knows your name and start over, a place that you dont know how to navigate neither geographically nor socially. I sat and cried for three days asking god why...the loss of Zola almost sent me to the edge but god told me i wasn't asking for the right things. So i asked to release me from all of my vices set me free from my materialistic needs sever my ties with the familiar and empower to walk into the dark night knowing that he is taking me toward a bright new day. I got everything i asked for. So i stand on te edge of the rest of my life and im ready to dive in. I love you guys but i gotta go. Onward i say, away from sleepless night toward days filled wit smiles. I pray that love is on the way. Its been 2 years all alone and im ready for something new ive got a fresh canvas and this time i want the perfect man there to help me fill it with vibrant colors. To the friends who will make it thru this transition know that our relationship will never change and you better come see me just bring a jacket. Chicago here i come to shake the foundation and turn the city upside down cause that new new bitch is comin 2 town and i have plans 2 hang around for a while.

Breathe Me - Sia

This is an old piece I just came across

originally written June 24 2008

what i can i say its one of those days when you dont know whether to cry or rejoice you kno that conditional happiness. Its like everything will be peachy when, or just as soon or (worst of all) after. could it be that im being a damn fool or do i really love this man. am i blinded by riches or smitten by a fire that now burns deep within my soul o that man. o the warmth he brings me the smile he places so gently on my face but the cold that remains in his wake... so on those dark nights wha am i to do who can i run to? i dont want anyone else i let the feelings for man i have wanted for years fall to the wayside the night he proclaimed his love. but o the pain waiting for this to die this blockage that places a hold on us this damn in our raging river of passion. so do i drop anchor here or turn around a seek somethin new but why would i do that? i have invested so much time emotion. 2 days ago i realized that my love for ***** had died only to realize that my love for he who shall not be named had grown from an ember into an ever-growing blaze. but i have been down this road before i kno it very well so i kno i should avoid it b/c its full of sharp turns pot holes and last time i remember travailing this path the bridge to happiness was out. CRASH went my heart my love and life in to a deep black abyss but i digress. i have chosen to trust this man i have to ask if someone would go to so much trouble to keep me when im not puttin out and clearly he doesnt need me truth be told i need him more than he needs me. trust is such an elusive thing when it comes to me i trust no one and have no faith in things unseen outside of the holy realm. my motto is show me b/c i have come to learn if i dont see it its not there. o the joy that fills my heart when i think of all that we could be, the envy of the gay lifestyle, a model for the up and coming the Barack and Michelle of the ballroom scene, polished, he a double o me a **** us the couple to be reconed with a house on the hill a little puppy and love that transcends understanding. o the possibilities. i love him. i Love him i cant believe i can say it and mean it and like it im getting teary i should stop but for some reason my hands my heart my soul cant say enough to describe how i feel right now i dont know who this letter is destined for but its open to all to explore the convoluted mind of a wife destroyed, a lady damaged and a woman scorned who is slowly but surely falling in love

I WAS JUST GETTIN INTO DEF POETRY JAM

THIS IS POWERFUL


SO DAMN TRUE


SAY IT

Introducing C.James Audigier-Pariz

HOW DOES THE CAGED BIRD SING?

how does the caged bird sing? how does it find the strength or the wind to part its beak and serenade the room when all it has ever known are the decorative bars that it finds itself surrounded by. i liken my life to that of the caged bird. My rock and my hard place have come to resemble the golden bars of its cage. My golden bars are the many formalities and the quagmire of bureaucracy that block my way. My golden bars shine and shimmer like the mask of contentment that i wear everyday, a painting of a glamorous, beautiful, and happy person that i pretend to be. Each morning i must muster the strength to keep up this image which protects the broken distressed and depressed person within. How does this caged bird sing a happy song when disappointment and heartbreak are all it has ever known. No family support and two serious unhealed heartbreaks that must again convalesce each time i pass the right scene or hear the right song. My personal failures, my negative self image and the loneliness my god the lonliness are weighing my feet further into this black hole. My song would be a greatest hits album with no number one single. you see i dont have enough happy times to make an album barely enough to make one song. I have been innmy cage so long i forgot what freedom is like and i forgot the way out. God where are you i have been calling you for years now and i havent gotten so much as a text i fear that i am dfeeling my faith slip away. Im beginning to show signs of strain infact i think im about to crack under the pressure. Everytime i think i see daybreak i realize its just the glow of the headlights of a happy wealthy passerby driving past my shack of pain toward his mansion of happpiness. Where do i go from here? Somebody please wake me from this nightmare. Hold on help is on the way right, hold on to what? I feel like i was shoved off a transatlantic flight and now im in freefall right toward the deep blue sea of depression where i will drown cold and alone. So tell me how does the caged bird sing



The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
of things unknown but longed for still
and his tune is heard on the distant hill
for the caged bird sings of freedom.
-maya angelou

I KNOW WHY THE CAGED BIRD SINGS

A free bird leaps on the back of the wind
and floats downstream till the current ends
and dips his wing in the orange suns rays and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks down his narrow cage
can seldom see through his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
of things unknown but longed for still
and his tune is heard on the distant hill
for the caged bird sings of freedom.

The free bird thinks of another breeze
and the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn and he names the sky his own.

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
of things unknown but longed for still
and his tune is heard on the distant hill
for the caged bird sings of freedom.