Cant find the words

I cant find the words to say it so i thought i might be able to write it
to whom it may concern,
Up until this point my life has been a series of unfortunate events, i thank my Savior because it truly believe that those days are over. At this point in my life i must venture off on a path of self discovery. I dont need anyone to carry me i can do it on my own but i do need someone to walk beside me in case i fall. You entered my life at a critical time i would call it a crossroad. I have been trying to make you understand for the last few months that no matter what i do love you but not in the way you would like me to. I view you as a family member or best-friend and sometimes i think you mistake my motives for something else. I see you in my future but i see us as the best of friends maybe bus. partners. I cant say what wont happen but i can say that my love for you is different than a relationship. I think that god placed me in your life to be your biggest fan and you in mine for the same purpose. I have tried to keep or interaction at a level so that it will not be mistaken for something else. You must understand that my whole life has been filled with people using me wanting to sleep with me or date me, i just dont understand why i cant just have one really good friend with no ulterior motive.

Have you ever just wanted to be average? i use to be, i was the dorky kid in grammar school the science nerd whos family couldnt afford the cool clothes. In middle school the white ppl loved me and i turned into a proper suburban boy who everyone thought was gay, to counteract that i kept a fly ass girlfriend. I lost myself when i reached high school. I decided that i couldnt hide who i was anymore and i came out to the world. Immediately i was popular and i surrounded myself with he greatest ppl i have ever known. From that day forward i was a chameleon, changing myself to match my environment. At this point the only thing i really know about myself is that i want to be somebody else. I want to be successful and powerful. Right now ive been tumbling in free fall so long i have forgotten which way is up. How do you climb out of your hole when you have nothing to grab on to. I lost my family, my job, my home, my car, my health and my sanity. God you have got to give some of it back. I feel like a failure. I cant find a job and without that nothin else will fall into line. I dont know this broke dude that i see in the mirror and im embarrassed to see him staring back at me, have you ever truly hated yourself. I portray and image of a collected beautiful person to hide the broken one who cowers behind his persona. Where do i go from here im tryin so hard to trust god but it is the most difficult thing i have ever done. Suicide skims across the recesses of my mind often but is quickly removed by sanity. Im stressed on so many levels and im jealous of others. The life of my dreams has not materialized and im starting to wonder if its ever going to.NURSE i need a morphine drip, im in so much pain. It seems like everything i do is wrong and im starting to wonder why i even try. I miss HIM and anyone who really knows me knows who and why, i havent stopped loving him ive just learned to live without him. I dont need a man to heal these wounds. I just need some me time.

If you cant follow this im sorry its just stream of consciousness.

WHY ME?

So im done with love until it finds me and it feels right. I thought that friendship would amount to be and altogether less painful experience, i was wrong. It has occurred to me that no one cares about how i feel. In any relationship that i find myself in i always end up with the short end of the stick. There are the ones who betray me, the ones who be little me and others who use me as their personal punching bag. I wonder if bishops sermon fell on deaf ears. my heart is so heavy all i want is a tru friend but everyone is so busy either tryin 2 sleep with me or be bitter b/c they cant that it seems like a distant dream. Why cant we just be friends, why does everything have to carry a sarcastic undertone or a condescending motive. I wish ppl would understand that the things that you say hurt, i may not show it but they do. Things that you say are funny until im always the but of the joke. Im tired of being laughed at and having pie thrown in my face in front of total strangers. Why does makin me look stupid make u feel better about yourself. Im so confused in one sentence you care for me but in the next you remind me how useless i am. So what is the use? What have i done? Its not fair sometime i hope ill be rich someday so i can buy some huge house and shut myself up in it where i cant hurt anyone else since everything i do is wrong or shady or bitchy. im wondering why im even writing this b/c someone will swear im being shady but its either express myself of cry, and im all cried out. And if by chance you should find that this post is about you answer on question WHY ME, im a specail person im sesitive tho i dont show it, im a bitch towards u most of the time b/c you spend most of the day making me feel like les of a person and the shit hurts.

VANITY: A DEADLY SIN

This may be the most vain post i ever write but i gonna tell the truth for those who are afraid to. Being pretty is a curse, dont get me wrong im grateful to be beautiful but just like anything else it come with consequence. When you build yourself on a pedestal it is hard to come back down amid rumors of falling off financial ruin or just plain laziness. Sometimes i just wish i could be average, the maintenance is breaking my pockets and the alienation is breaking my heart. When you are sexy pretty or a doll like you alienate yourself from others. some hate you b/c they are jealous others b/c they think you appear to be a bitch so "why bother". But the part that causes us the most strife is the constant question why are you single?