The Temple

A sanctuary of love
a fondue of chocolate skin that exists only to encompass you
your body up against my pretty brown skin
kissing touching rubbing bursting to feel
feel me deep inside my...
Mind
please me deeper inside my body
a temple yours forever iF you will stay in this place
when u can live, learn, grow and play
where i can please your mind touch your body
and quench your soul
im so much more than these other boyz
IM NOT JUST A HOLE!

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HATING YOUR REFLECTION

The main thing most people will think as they read the title of this blog is why would YOU hate your reflection. well reflection has more than one meaning. I sat here and thought about what i have become since the start of my matriculation here at WSSU. I ended a year relationship with my first love only two months before coming here. I came to WSSU not really knowing who i was. I began to define myself by others opinions and the perception of the men around me. I went on to fall in love with third who left me and married someone else. My world has collapsed around me. i feel like no one wants me. As i sat an reflected upon my existence i began to hate who i sat in the mirror. i look around me and i see others relationships flourishing and JAPAN is single and alone. All everyone wants to do is fuck. I refuse to be used. Isn't there a man in this world who wants me for me. One who wants to get to know my mind before he tries to introduce himself (in)to my body. I dont hate men i just dont understand them most of the time. some times the most insignificant 4 letters come together to form a word which really is the breath of life LOVE a word that can make you see everything in bright vivid colors or simply bring you to a dark place of "hating your reflection"

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The Closest to Heaven I'll Ever Be

i would would give up forever to touch you
id give my life to love you again
i walk past the road to happiness to forge a new one with you
time passes
people change
some wounds heal others grow
some fester and others bleed

this is how ive felt since the day you left me
i feel like a used napkin
i no longer have a use for anyone else
like broken glass
damaged and irepairable

if my hert had been a house it was destroyed
ravaged by a fire set by you in my figuartive fireplace
which has now spilled over and engulfed the structure
thousands in damage itens incerenerated
most were priceless and irreplacable

this is how i have felt since you left me
im afraid the world will never understand my tears
the ones that you never see
those cried in the dark
and dried far before my sleep deprived face is kissed by the morning sun

since you you have been gone my life has changed
people come people go
no one can ever make me as happy as i was
the security which i now long for
the happiness god denied me

so here i lie a used napkin in the trash where you left me
torn dirty stained used and abused
amongst the odds and ends of your self serving life
having no purpose but to pile up
you could have at least recycled me

where does one go from here
a life of perpetual tears and pain
kmowing you will never come back to me
hiding my pain from the world benath a bravely mustered smile
a portrate of the happy person i once was
before you
stepped  in
ran out
and stole my soul
a precious stone in a gallery of of treasures

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OUT OF THE ASHES

I am a man
I struggle
I struggle to escape the stereotype that the world so readily casts on me
Desperately trying ti alleviate the pressures of life
My full time occupation im losing the fight
The unending pursuit of happiness
it is a rat race or so it seems to be, held on the living room floor of Satan
controlled by fate and damned by circumstance
I exist somewhere therein
struggling to show others the real me
somewhere along the way i lost touch with who i used to be
while weathering a storm in this raging sea of living
how can you prove yourself when you're not really sure who you are
when every damn day theres another bruise another fucking scar
If your life has been an escalator ride to the top this piece aint for you
but make sure you wave to the ones for whom life really suck
who took the jagged stairs and not on a level they are stuck
bound only by circumstance but abandoned by luck
Failure seems emanate success, but a dream
people who you thought were examples of true love were not as the seemed
multi faceted like the sides of life
anguish
pain
and mental strife
sometimes i wonder where is god in this
then i remember thru all the trial he is in the midst
he who will surely hold my puny hand
provide for me protect me and carry me over the blazing sands
the sands of life the pastures of time
the grass that grows is simply to remind
me and only me of a time that has long since past
a mistake a lesson a fall on my ass
or maybe just maybe it was that fall on my face
when i tried desperately to hide in this god forsaken place
a place that blinds confuses and rapes
me of my self confidence and pride in my race
no not my color or preference in sex
but a dying breed of people who's lives should be text
the ones who be live that anything is possible when you dream
those who are born out of struggle
and looked down upon by the masses
those are genuine gentle souls who are born from the ashes
From the ashes of a person who once was
who was beaten destroyed and violated just because
just because they thought he was different
they took his soul and will to live without apology or sentiment

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Reading the Fine Print

You know how sometimes you sign a contract and read the first and last line and simply skim the middle only 2 discover that a damming factor was hidden therein. I have a theory about love that is extremely similar to that situation. When we love we love blindly seeing the person we have before us and jumping ahead to the future never considering the struggle that comes between. New love never considers heartbreak forces of nature acts of god and lost favor with lady luck. No one ever tells you that you never completely recover from the pain and heartbreak. Can one ever really move on? Do you ever stop loving someone you factored into the rest of you existence only to have it snatched away like a bottle from a baby. I have come to the conclusion i will never recover from my most recent let down. Every time i see his picture i cry hear his name i tear up. I hate the memories i think back to the most perfect valentines day i ever had that once brought me such joy which now leaves a gaping hole in my chest. I think about the child that i grew attached to the man that i loved and cared for. i think of him at least once per day and it has been over for months will i ever recover. every time i think of what he is doing with himself now i am almost physically sick and my eyes fill with tears just thinking of the idea that the man who was once my betrothed is now someone else's husband but what am i to do? i guess im really paying for the things i didn't know the little things that people never tell you. This must be what its like when you read and understand the fine print in hindsight.

In and Out of Time- Dr Maya Angelou

The sun has come.
The mist has gone.
We see in the distance...
our long way home.
I was always yours to have.
You were always mine.
We have loved each other in and out of time.
When the first stone looked up at the blazing sun
and the first tree struggled up from the forest floor
I had always loved you more.
You freed your braids...
gave your hair to the breeze.
It hummed like a hive of honey bees.
I reached in the mass for the sweet honey comb there....
Mmmm...God how I love your hair.
You saw me bludgeoned by circumstance.
Lost, injured, hurt by chance.
I screamed to the heavens....loudly screamed....
Trying to change our nightmares to dreams...
The sun has come.
The mist has gone.
We see in the distance our long way home.
I was always yours to have.
You were always mine.
We have loved each other in and out
in and out
in and out
of time.

Smokin a Cigarette Thinkin About the Past

Yesterday i stepped out on my porch to smoke little did i know when i walked out the door i had stepped out of a manhole in center of memory lane. My mind began to wonder to my exs past heartbreak and mistakes. I began to wonder it is me? Am i the bitch that everyone says i am. Am i too much to handle or am i simply choosing the same kind of men. But thats impossible they have been so unique and original in their own way. Yesterday i thought about someone that i hadn't thought on in a while third. I sat and cried and wondered why he had done me the way he had. Why he chose another over me. I was good to him i gave my best and it still wasn't enough. Its not fair. All my hope for true love is beginning to fade as i have watch all the relationships that gave me hope slowly dissolve and end. I want the American dream i don't want to be loose like everyone else i want to be faithful to a faithful man is that so much to ask? I guess ill be single for the rest of my life and I'm really not ok with that. I know you guys love me but i need that special love from a man who holds my heart. One day i pray but maybe this is how its suppose to be

I Hate You Love

Have you ever hateD love not especially because of who you love but what love does. It breaks hearts bends wills weakens minds yet we still continue to search high and low from the almost certain pain that comes with this thing LOVE? I sit and wonder is it really even necessary to pursue anything with anyone what are the chances it will last what are the chances that it wont end in heartbreak and tears. This has been my last time uttering the three most Insignificant significant little words to anyone that does not have th same blood as i do. Im so tired of being hurt so i pray ill never love again. I guess ill become bitter and spiteful but when something makes you feel like this what is there left to say beisdes I HATE YOU LOVE!

The Plight of the Misunderstood Teen

Life is hard times are rough and the plight of a teen is already enough without the constant pressure of someone clawing at your back. Don't parents understand that we are under enough pressure with friends fashion grades papers relationships heartbreak financialinstabilitykeeping it all together through it all. i have reached a point where i just want to move so far away and forget that i have a last name that bonds me to this group of inconsiderate people so-called me family. has anyone else ever felt that way. Today i tried to think of a way to make it come true. I don't want to live here anymore not even for the summer because i fear that i will be pushed too far. My unhappiness i fear will return to a diagnosed state of depression. I'm tired of things being taken from me as if i am a child in time out. WHAT THE FUCK i already don't have the keys 2 my car over some dumb shit and now u talking about cutting of sprint. NO SHADE i think that may take me over the edge. This year i want to go independent because I'm tired of having my inheritance threatened that is to say that on a regular basis the words you will see because everyone is about 2 cut you off are hurled at me like stones at a prisoner. but I am a prisoner to my own family what am i to do. So i pose a question does James japan ever get to smile is there a happily ever after in store for me or am i destined to live a life of disappointment heartbreak and being alone. Hell who knows but i guess thats just the plight of a misunderstood teen.

technorati tags:family, belonging, plight, love, hate, changes

IM MY MIND

So many times i have listened to Heather Headly's song "I'm my Mind" and wondered what could drive someone to write such a song. Many people listen to that very song and say to themselves huh never me! Well i used to be one of those people. But one day i met a man who shall remain nameless but those who know me know that there is not other. You see he walked into my life 3 months ago and i never looked back. The way i felt about him drove me to board up the door to my heart believing that no one else would ever tread the path to it nor cross the threshold into my soul. I never dreamed that it would be him...but walking out. Each day i walk this campus dressed to kill eyes lined hair sharp and waved but inside is an empty shell. Not a single remnant of the warmth that used to dwell within. Love is so powerful. I saw him tonight when he walked in the door my heart began to race i broke into a cold sweat as i beheld his his 6'4 frame and was entranced by his caramel skin. For 3 weeks i imagined what i would say to him at this very moment yet as i opened my mouth just to say hey i couldn't find the words. He spoke i reciprocated with a simple hello casual conversation was exchanged dancing around the words that sat perched on the tip of our tongues held firmly by pride. As he walked out the door i found the courage to say his name and humbly request that he call me because i wish to talk. So now i wait for the opportunity to express my heart and soul, to carefully remove my mask of contentment and tell this man, my man, my dream how i feel. I just wish there was a print out of my feelings so someone could read them to me to help me understand just how i feel. I'm so ambivalent, lost in a sea of words that speak volumes but mean nothing

technorati tags:love, loss, heartbreak, dreams

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A Struggle to Understand

Have you ever wondered why men act the way they do?

The way you dig so dep to find the best in them

am the dig even deeper to find the worst in you

I wonder if this time it was because he wasnt ready 4 one like me. I dont kno and i would love to say that i dont care but i really really do. I miss is kiss his touch and most of all i miss his loving arms embracing me as i slept. Now the days are long and the nights are cold. I lay alone in my bed and the feeling of loniness takes over.I lay there and recall the nights that we spent together. I went to the club not to find someone but just to get drunk and have a good time with my girls. Someone told him i was there and all he could think was that i was lookin 4 another nigga. But that is just it there is no other nigga even if that is really what i wanted. I cant get this man off my mind but he is too stupid and selfish to see for himself ts all about him. What about me. Who cries for me who's heard will bleed as mine does? I would stand here and wait for him forever but i cant be a fool anymore. Maybe this is gods way of telling me there is something better. But better situations have come my way i had a nigga wanting 2 give me a new and FINE automobile i said no and told him that he could go. Why? i love this man and i hate it. Most who read this kno to whom i am referring. But after this much time this much misunderstanding and his blatant display of lack of concern i think though i have dreaded this day since the night i laid eyes on him its time to walk away. You see what it is i have been hurt so many time and i really hoped that he would be diff but i guess im just another link in the chain of fools. And as much as i hate to say it love wins again.

LOVE: 2                  JAPAN: 0

technorati tags:love, mistakes, hate, relationships, pain, heartbreak

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A little too late

This time i kno i fucked up. My mouth finally got me in to some shit that i cant get out of. this man who i love so very much took me thru a lot but in the end it was several comments that i made which made all the difference. If i could take back words i would be in the nearest return department but as we all kno words hurt. Now the lack of words is driving me up the walls no phone calls no texts and my days have grown cold. its been a long time since i was this unhappy its been a very long time since i wanted to break down and cry but on today that is the way i feel. Last night i got high to try to clear my mind it didnt work while in that intoxicated state all i did was watch his images floated around my convoluted mindset. WOW how can a man have so much influence over me i don't like it. MY Daily prayer is now please let him come back to me just give me another chance to make it right. IM IM IM IM in love and i hate it.

technorati tags:love, mistakes

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The meaning of life

sometimes it takes someone to give you the worst news of your life to really teach you what life is. Life is so precious. This has been the worst break of my life. When you read this blog dont ask me what is wrong just pray. PRAY for me and ask God to show his power. I have never prayed so much in my life. 2007 is shaping up to be a bad year for many people. However through the hard times we must trust god and find the good. In everyday that you live on this earth find some purpose in that day. Make everyday count. On everyday make sure you will be able to look back and say i did something profound. I have found meaning in the simplest things. The smell of a rose the aroma of a stinky shoe and even the  blessing in the worst news of a families life. death sickness health pain and suffering, All that we go through is a test a trial and a tribulation to reach us a lesson. Did you learn a lesson today? Stand with me on this day and look up to the sky and tell God thank you for all that he has done. Thank you for pain, bad mid terms rainy days and sunny spring days when even shorts in february make sense. Even to those who will read this that i have never met i love you, you mean something to me. If there was beef it is gone. Life is too precious and too short to go around mad and holding grudges because in the end of it all what does it mean? What did you accomplish by telling someone that you hate them? To my children who know this is outside of my character ill never change who i am only how i preceive things. I love everyone and god bless you. And finally to my fiance third may our life together show and prove that amid a world of violence death divorce and hate true love still exisits. O and in closing always ALWAYS call those things that are not so as thought they were for life AND death are in the power of the tounge. The truest meaning of a double edged sword.

technorati tags:life, love, meaning, purpose

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Untitled A Favorite Poem

"In Church" by Thomas Hardy

In Church

 

"And now to God the Father", he ends,

And his voice thrills up to the topmost tiles:

Each listener chokes as he bows and bends,

And emotion pervades the crowded aisles.

Then the preacher glides to the vestry-door,

And shuts it, and thinks he is seen no more.

 

The door swings softly ajar meanwhile,

And a pupil of his in the Bible class,

Who adores him as one without gloss or guile,

Sees her idol stand with a satisfied smile

And re-enact at the vestry-glass

Each pulpit gesture in deft dumb-show

That had moved the congregation so.

 

Thomas Hardy

technorati tags:poetry

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This Is Me

The Reasons Why I Love You Shanelle Gabriel

(The Reasons) Why I Love You
 

They say the human body

Has over 50 billion white blood cells…

And I need every single one

Because you

Make me…

Sick.

You are the fish that I would

Throw back

But for some reason

As opposites,

We attract!

We show our admiration in love taps,

"I Hate You!" matches,

And sarcastic wise cracks.

All the qualities of my soulmate…

You lack.

I wrote you a poem once.

I mounted and framed it.

It was perfect,

And you gave me a pat on the back

And said,

"Hey, good stuff…"

That was it.

You attempts at being romantic

Are simply pathetic.

The last massage you gave me

Required a paramedic.

The first time you cooked me dinner

I had to pump my stomach.

And you just like picking fights.

If I say go left,

You go right.

If I say it's day,

You swear it's night.

You still think our anniversary

Is the 10^th of May;

It's the 9^th…

Of MARCH!

The Golden Arches

Is the closest thing to jewelry

I've ever seen from you.

For my last birthday,

You gave me a Twinkie

With one candle.

You wear socks with your sandals!

And not the short ones,

The ones that pass your ankles.

My idea of a tranquil evening,

Involves a good book

And peppermint tea.

Yours only requires your PSP.

You're a die hard Nas fan;

I like Jay-Z.

Like most Black folk and lactose products

We just always seem to disagree.

You think Angelina Jolie

Is the epitome of beauty.

I think she's overrated and her lips are crusty.

You like chicks that are busty,

And I'm a proud member

Of the Itty-Bitty Titty Committee.

Now, I'm a country kind of gal;

You like the city life.

I'm a revolutionary woman;

You think we should all be barefoot housewives.

I remember the last time I cried…

You gently

Wiped my eyes,

And whispered in my ears,

"Baby…

Suck it up."

And I know it's bugged,

But I still love you,

Like Whitney loves crack.

Cause for some reason as opposites,

We attract.

And truth be told,

That romantic crap usually doesn't last.

Flowers die,

And many diamonds given

May as well be cut glass,

But what matters most is that

You complement me

Like air through my lungs.

And there are over a trillion nerves

In the central nervous system…

You get on every single one.

You know you do…

But for some reason,

That's why I love you.

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There are no words

There are times in life when even the best of writers have nothing to say. This is one of those days. I am at a complete loss for words when it comes to exactly what just happened 2day. I'm not even sure that the security blanket that so tightly encompassed my body is still there. There i a chilly wind blowing through my soul as i imagine trying to walk away like it was all a joke. A cruel unforgiving joke. My heart crys out in agony as the feeling of uncertainty takes over. Everyones knos there is nothing worse than not knowing exactly what is coming which way is up and which way used to be down. I say used to be down b/c my emotions hat reached the bottom of a once bottomless pit. i used to wonder how far down i could go. I'm HERE. I have no words to describe how i feel. No words to explain the heartbreak no words to describe the embarrassment and no words to share the sense of ambivalence that surrounds me. A songstress once said she had to take a chance and spread her wings. i spread mine i flew only to  fall on my face. So now im searching my soul for the lock and key that had turned my soul into the iron fortress it once was. Now all that remains are the fragments of broken glass... what a day in the life of JAPAN Just a pitiful ass nigga

technorati tags:heartbreak, love, relationships

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Slaves

"A man who tells another his secrets makes himself a slave"

I heard this quote today and it made me think. Who can you trust. The quote simply goes to say that when u tell ppl your biz they now have sunthin 2 hold over you head. Have you ever considered what you tell people when you are friends may be ammunition should sumthin go down. It is always the ones who you think never whoul... THAT DO. Its so sad to think that the civil war freed the slaves from the horrors of enslavement only for african americans to become slave of themselves. Some people are slave to people they trusted, some are slave to society the court system. In the year 2007 there are many times more slave than there were so many years ago..Think on it

technorati tags:Ideas

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When Love is Realized

Dear Diary,
This is written in the hopes that the man of my dreams will read it some day soon...
=>There is a person trapped inside of this shell i call an existence> from the moment i saw you i saw something. Something beyon the outter shell of the typical punks dream of a "homo thug". It would be so wrong for me to patronize you as i i dont have demons from the past that on occasion cloud my current perception of reality. It was not long ago that this cyrstal heart of mine was broken when someone that i trusted threw stones at the fragile walls of my semi precious heartSecond to one is the title of the chapter in my biography from which i draw my insecurities. i wont dwell on the past just use it as a stepping stone to my manifesting destiny. I love you. You are my dream am i in love with you tho? The only honest answer i can provide is YES on so many levels i simply hope that you this man of my childhood teenage and elderly dreams will be with me untill the bitter end. I dont want to leave you feeling some type of way i just want to give you all of me. I dont want there to be a single aspect of me that you are unfamilar with. Happily ever after just began to play and my imagination fast forwards to a the future our future together. In manhattain in charlotte winston or even the street corner in brooklyn the place doesnt matter as long as it is with you. After you looked me in my blank dazed eyes and gazed upon my pensive face and told me that you love me and only me my insecurties have just that quickly faded and been replaced by a warmth that now encompasses my soul and fills me so much that i runneth over. So from this day forward should i go of in "my own little world" im just running over. i love you baby and i aspire to be nothing more in this life when it comes to matter o the heart that to be you lover friend wife partner ace and any other word that in so many words suggests that every morning that i wake i am blessed and privilaged to gaze upon you beautiful face and utter the smallest three little words and the most significant eight letters "I Love You"
Monday, February 05, 2007 12:31:42 AM

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Untitled

Dear diary
Many days i wonder if i am just wasting air and space. No matter what i do it never seems 2 be enough. Once again i have allowed myself to open up to a man just one more time and the relationship is plagued by rumors of deceit and shadows of insecurity. is it my pretty face or my endearing personality that makes everyone think that i am this vicious cheating slut. Just once i want a man who can trust me and not question my every move. A man who understands that i have male friends too but it is only him that i see. I really want third Tokyo or Oscar lol depending on what day it is. I love him i want to build a real life wit him one day the kind of life that all hope for but only heterosexuals seem to be able to attain. In order for this dream to become a reality he has to trust  me. he must realize that Michael means less to me than he did three days after i met him. There is something contained in this man that i hope to set free. He is a father a go getter and he is my dream. Only a fool would pass up a man like this. Apparently there are many fools in this world if someone has not snatched him up. As i sit on the edge of this bed verbally vomiting out my thoughts and pains i can only imagine what pulses thru his head in the other room. I wish more than anything that he would come in this room and kiss me hug me and make passionate love to me. I simply want him to understand that i love him and i wouldn't leave him for anyone. only a fool would and i james bernard hardy japan avicci am not a fool He again i thought i left my pain in suite 106b and here it has come to harass me again. My soul is wrought by a constant emotional storm i just need one powerful individual to calm my tormented emotions and kiss away my woes. Wht i dont need is more doubt more cold shoulders and more silence. Silence kills. When i went and sat beside my husband on the couch i sat and watched he slept and while kelly price took it to church here in the other room i cried watching his peacful slumber. I woke him only to have him look at me with those wide eyes and roll them. the look he shot me peirced my very soul. Not a single word was needed to get his point across. I arose from my perch only to have him look up at me blankly and rather that stop me as i hoped with everything he would his eyes simply followed me as i left the room and returned to my loneliness and my mental prison where my thoughts run rampant....27 January, 2007  11:49:45 PM

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The Rise to Fall

wow its crazy i have been talkin 2 this man for about 3 weeks and it has gone by so quickly. Every free second i have i only want 2 spend it with him. I gave up going home from school to see my parents and family to stay in Winston and go to his house. Something is wrong, im not suppose 2 feel like this at all its al little scary. He is rising to new heights as it pertains to the way i feel about him and i am falling more and more everyday. In this time period he wont end a phone conversation without the words i love you. I have no problem reciprocating because i do love him im just not IN love yet. But at the rate we are moving it wont be long at all. hmmm where do i go from here. Is the speed a good sign or does it suggest i should proceed wit caution the road signs are unclear so i guess i will play it by ear. The love that will follow will be a sweet melody puntuated by moments of reflection where we will both say how when and why did we get this way?