ROAD WORK AHEAD

In my rearview i see a rough and curvy rough road, paved with pain and disappointment huge potholes created by the absence of validation and a convoluted self image.The series of unfortunate events i have come to call my life have come together to make the diamond that stands before you. For the pressure of an absent family life, my diagnosis, and broken heart have forged a rough path that will soon be paved with success and prosperity. The place where i stand today is the start line to the rest of my life. In the mix of jabber about cd4 counts viral loads reverse and protease inhibitors it is easy to become overwhelmed and lose your way. I have come to know that i serve a god that never puts more on us than we can bear and I'm doing just fine. Going forward i plan to finish up at wssu then on to med school for pharmacy. I have decided i want to learn more about the drugs that combat the virus. I see marriage off in the distance i dont know who he is just yet but ill know him for sure when i see him, he might be in my circle already*wink*. I want a nice house unbreakable bond and an overall sense of well being and security. i want trust and above all undying unconditional love all the way until the bittersweet end. My hope for my American dream was validated today when i talked briefly to a man who i had a lil crush on but now I look forward to just getting to know him on a friendly level. He talks so happily about his relationship it is evident how fulfilling it is by the glow that radiates from him each i i see him. I use his current place in life as a mile marker on the road to my manifesting destiny. My road to recovery is paved with the restoration of my self confidence and image. after you diagnosed the major thing of a vain persons mind is not looking sick, a pimple suddenly becomes a sign of sickness to no one but yourself. I am adjusting simply by reminding myself that I'm not sick i instead have a well maintained virus. My recovery is further dependent on the healing of my torn and tattered heart. A Major part of my recovery has been this blog, just sharing my story. It takes a lot to bare all to the world so i thank all of you in advance for not judging me or treating me differently. The major dilemma hen deciding to come out is who will want me, allow me to address those men who create that insecurity. We all come with baggage, it comes with the miles. My baggage is stamped with all the locations i have traveled and filled with tickets to where I'm going. I'm not where i wanna be but thank go I'm not where i used to be. I beautiful I'm smart and you know what I'M POSITIVE

Royalty - Byron Cage

ANATOMY OF AN INFECTION

PART II- ANATOMY OF AN INFECTION
Wssu presented many opportunities to which i had never been privy to. Freedom in extra helping size scoops. I didn't really know what to do with it. I quickly became a fashion sensation and a popular socialite but i still hid that insecurity and pain which had plagued me since high school. I began to look for that love in many different places and people i quickly learned that this was not the way to heal myself so i started to look for that long term love. I found it or at least i thought i did on a cool January night in Gleason hall. It was a love to end all loves romeo and Juliet had nothing on us, and beauty and the beast could have kissed our asses we were 2 gorgeous men making everyone jealous. The relationship was perfect the love unrivalled the love making passionate. I began to look toward the horizon i saw my life coming in to view. I imagined marrying this man finishing school moving to a new city and living the life. Its so funny how god has a whole other plan for your life. On march 7th my life changed forever. After stressing about a cold that wouldn't go away, glands that were swollen and tender and this lingering feeling that something was amiss that i just couldn't shake i went to the doctor for some routine tests. Everything seemed normal but just to be sure the doctor decided to give me an oral HIV test. Confident that all was well i sat content in the little office awaiting my results. The next few moments seem to have unfolded in slow motion the doctor walked in, sat down and opened the envelope.........well Mr hardy it seems that the test is p o s i t i v e. It seemed as if the word took an eternity feeling like i had been shot down my mind started to race from who when why me. I tried to stand but instead collapsed to the floor. I first told my ex he sat in disbelief and cried i called my husband and told him he cried but assured me that everything would be fine...not exactly this was the start of the collapse of my fairytale. At the time i needed him most he left me. For those of u who know about this man and never knew y we broke up this is it. I had no where to turn i could tell my fam, who could i run to? For anything but the first time in my life i was all alone. You know what was really fucked up i ended up positive the one time i slipped up but hey the first time you cross the road without looking may be the last so who's to say. If you guys want more detail just ask for another blog of send me a message. again this is extremely condensed.

SURVIVING THE STORM

PREFACE
Today i was blessed to sit in a room full of guys who i have come to love respect and cherish. To you guys i say you are my rocks i trust you guys with my inner most feelings and i thank you for not judging me but instead lifting me up to be the best girl (lol) i can be. To the men of that group to put it simply i love you guys so much. To my fave white-skinned girl and my newest best friend i just wanna let you kno how much i value your friendship and mentoring that will help me be on the front lines fighting with the veterans of the struggle.

PART 1-SURVIVING THE STORM
I will begin my memoirs during my time at independence high school. High school is such an important time in a teens life. Lasting friendships parties and the first real taste of pure unadulterated shade. These year are usually some of the happiest most memorable years. For me Aug 2002 was the start of a long battle to stay alive. My family life was always a little unstable but during my matriculation at bIg the figurative house of cards collapsed. I was outed by a series of events that unfolded to include criminal charges and a family feud that lives on to this very moment. From that day it was all downhill. My parents began to shelter me i was not allowed to do anything, School was like a double edged sword it was my escape but it was also very draining to try to maintain a look of happiness and contentment when my support system was collapsing all around me. I fell in love with a man who shall remain nameless those of you who were around at that time kno to whom i am referring. Finally the void from the absence of love and validation had been filled. How many of you know that all that glitters ain't gold? In December 2005 the shit hit the fan my mom couldn't stand me the rift between my father and i turned into the grand canyon. The beatings got worse the holes in the wall, bigger and the the fractures in my glass heart, enumerable. Three days before Xmas my parents put me out, there was no Xmas that year. Depression set in and i lost sight of myself. Life became a constant struggle not to lose my life at the hands of...me. I was sent to see a shrink as the depression got worse, i fought this battle alone and in secret in the midst of keeping up this grandiose illusion at school of a well composed fab bitch: A lie i told to myself and all those around me. I returned home charges were pressed in the throw around of the following weeks, my parents put me out. I returned home a couple months later just in time to receive my acceptance letter from wssu a glimmer of hope in a world of dispare. The first in a series of heartbreaks happened just days after graduation when i left my ex to better myself. This chapter is condensed but it is the place from which most of my insecurity stems.

FIRST PERSON DEMONSTRATIVE- Phyllis Gottlieb

I'd rather

heave half a brick then say

I love you, though I do

I'd rather

wrench off an arm then hug you though

it's what I long to do

I'd rather

gather a posy of poison ivy than

ask if you love me

so if my

hair doesn't stand on end it's because

I never tease it

and if my heart isn't in my mouth it's because

it knows it's place

and if I

don't take a bite out of your ear it's because

gristle grips my guts

and if you

miss the message better get new

glasses and read it twice

- Phyllis Gottlieb

THE BOTTOM OF A BOTTOMLESS PIT

day to day it takes all of my strength to hold me head high in spite of all of the pain that i hide deep inside most days i just want to leave this world one way or another. im almost tempted to stop taking all of my meds and just let myself drift away. In november i lost my job and in turn lost my world my home gone my lifestyle gone every inkling of security that allowed me to sleep soundly at night and dream dreams of happiness is gone. I feel like a paper bag blowing in the wind no way to steer no control over my direction. My mother is my biggest source of stress she simply does not care about me i guess she want me to be homeless and go live in a shelter. Its looking like im gonna lose my car the last thing that ties me to reality if that goes away im not sure where ill end up. i really think i might in a place where suicide would be a viable escape clause. I just want it all to end all of the pressures of life i just want them to drift away whether it happens by a life turn or by a self inflicted eternal slumber. I have no one who wants to support me nto one who wants to help me out of my rut. When this is all over and i get on my feet i honestly want to move so far away and only call on thanksgiving and christmas every other year. Its bad when the way your family, who should be your support system, treats you so badly that you just want to forget who they are. In my delecate position i would think if no one else would hold my hand my family would at least try, they have not even attempted to do that. I hope that my life turns and door begin to open. at this point my return to WSSU which i have so looked forward to is anything but definite. Somebody please save me from myself.........

One Last Breath - Creed

WHO AM I?

My head knocks against the stars.

My feet are on the hilltops.

My finger-tips are in the valleys and shores of universal life.

Down in the sounding foam of primal things I reach my hands and play with pebbles of destiny.

I have been to hell and back many times.

I know all about heaven, for I have talked with God.

I dabble in the blood and guts of the terrible.

I know the passionate seizure of beauty

And the marvelous rebellion of man at all signs reading "Keep Off."

My name is Truth and I am the most elusive captive in the universe.

By Carl Sandburg

ETERNAL

Its been two years since the day my fairytale ended sometimes I feel like such a fool because after that much time I should be over it, but the mere mention of the time I spent in wonderland on the third rock from the sun and I fall to pieces. I look around at all the happiness around me and then see my world that is shattering, shriveling. and withering before my eyes. Why does my rosebush refuse to bloom. If im noah where is my wade where is the force that drives me, the wall that I need to stand in front of me to guard me from the storm. While I watch my friends go home to sleep under their respective Romeos I sleep beside bubba my favorite stuffed animal the only thing that has been there every time my world fades to black. It all hurts like hell the loss of my job my thrust from my comfort zone into the streets of uncertainty pain and loneliness. Call me the green eyed monster I envy the happiness of others the security of most and the contentment off all. Most days I feel as if I’m doomed to be a successful lonely spinster with many guys but no man many boyfriends but no husband. And I know some will say I’m young but in my few years on earth I have amassed a wisdom that some ppl strive their whole lives to attain and I have suffered more pain than your average human being. Everything from a rift between my family and I. to watching rice be thrown over the man of my infant childhood elderly and eternal dreams as he stood before a minister and pledged his unyielding devotion to another. Some days I want to leave this old world. I used to be ashamed of myself because I was too much of a coward to even take myself out but today I thank my maker for that cowardliness that ironically protected be from a bold and brazen act of stupidity. I cried tonight when a friend of mine told me that my wizard of oz told him that he is afraid to loose me and he would lose his mind if he woke and god had taken me away from him. To him I would ask why cant you tell me these things and if you love me that much why do you push me away. why cant we just live happily ever after like we planned so long ago. Sometimes it feels like I love him more than I love my damn self. I feel like he is taking the easy way out the mainstream escape route and for that I hate him the truest sense of ambivalence I have ever known. As it pertains to a matter of the heart I aspire to be nothing more than his devoted lover truest friend shelter in the storm proud parent happy home owner with this man for the rest of my natural life. And on the day when god calls me home I will be waiting with bursting anticipation at the pearly gates with a love that transcends time space and challenges the imaginative capacities of the citizens of the world with a love that begun on a freezing night in February and lasts into infinity and beyond to eternity……….

EMPTY

Do you ever learn to be lonely? Does the heart ever auto fill its void. Will life ever be as full alone as it would be if you had someone to share it with. This life for me me hurts like hell i live day to day with a big smile gorgeous face great clothes and live what appears to be the american dream. Well its all a lie. Im so empty on the inside like a once booming factory that has now been closed due to recession. I am filled wit envy anytime i see the perfect couple walk by of a happy family out for a shopping adventure because for most of my life it has been me myself and i. In a room full of people i still feel alone. I dont understand how i can be too good for some and not good enough for others where do i fit in. These are my confessions my deepest feelingS that are never visible on the surface, a facade that hides a trembling, empty little boy. My future is uncertain i really cant decide where i wanna be what i wanna do with my life. so until the day i do i guess i will juss try to make it from day to day, the days in the life of a heartbroken socialite

SEXUALITY AN ELUSIVE CONCEPT

I caution my readers on this one, if your life ideals are shaped exclusively by your religion, you may wanna look away now. No w for those who are still with me and have some self directed thought lets get into the meat and potatoes. I want to pose a question...what is heterosexuality. Sexuality is one of the biggest issues in the political arena today, but what shapes sexuality. If you think about it is it still wrong? Some churches preach that being gay is just wrong and that it is possible to be delivered thought the power of Christ. I might lose some people on this but i say WHATEVER. Now those of you who have read my stuff know that my thoughts are always rooted in a truth i have found for myself. Praying to be straight is like being black and praying to be white. I was born this way and i dont think there is anything to change. There was a time when i served on a praise team at a certain church here in Charlotte i forced into believing that i had to change. I fasted i went into trance like meditation and prayer beseeching the blood of Christ to was away my impurities. There came a day when i truly believe the spirit of god came upon me and let me know that he loved me just as i am. Now onto those who never get the message that suppress their urges. Now maybe im wrong but i always learned that the thought was just as wrong as the action so if you think about a man to get up to do your wife is that wrong. Are you going to hell? I mean you followed the christian way, got married had kids and stopped messing with the same sex but... you fantasized? It is a common misconception that just because a man is married that he is following the christian way. that bull no man will be able to deny himself for the rest of his life. Now what about those who stop acting on their urges but never mess with the opposite sex. I don't thing a sovereign god like the one i serve would subject some individuals to a life of denial while the other 98% of the population lives a holy FULFILLING life. Being a homosexual is just as much a physical thing as it is a mind set. If your body reacts to a mans touch GUESS WHAT? so are you going to go to hell because you hedonistic id caused your sex to grow a the gently brush of a mans rear across your front as he squeezes by on the city bus or in the church pew. Now i happen to be a baptist but there seems to be a stark difference in the beliefs of Pentecostal churches on the issue of homosexuality however i think i may step on some toes so ill leave it at that. Please comment i want to know what you guys think but please be open minded its the key to life. I love you guys. i really just lived this topic with an ex of mine and i just really needed to share. shout out to Brandon Hughes for inspiring me.

Make Me Over - Tonex

BEAUTIFUL NIGHTMARES

You know how you meet someone and from that meeting it seems like something promising could materialize. The days turn into weeks, those to months and all appears to be running smoothly. O but there is always that one day the first time they don't call on their lunch break or he doesn't walk you to the car in the morning. That's the day when it becomes easy to slack off.suddenly your gorgeous sweet dream has become a beautiful nightmare. It always hurts when you invest your dream in someone start thinking about the future with them right by you side picking out drapes seeing which Mercedes would look good together in the driveway of your new home. in this person you see you future and wonder how you made it thru you past without them. Its in this security that you think all your dreams could come true. funny we never stop to think that nightmares are dreams too

SLOW MOTION - Karina Pasian

SMASH INTO YOU

Head down as i watch my feet take turns hitting the ground
Eyes shut, i find myself in love racing the earth
And i soaked in your love
And love is right in my path, in my grasp
And me and you belong

I wanna run, run smash into you
I wanna run, run, smash into you

Ears closed, what i hear the world just has to know
Cause' i know that what we have is worth first place in gold
And i soaked in your love
And love is right in my path, in my grasp
And me and you belong

you guys when i tell you i have listened to this song in excess of thirty times in the last 2 days. I dont know maybe your not deep like me but i kno there is one person in my life that i just wanna take off like thoroughbred and run smash into him.So if you kno what i mean and this song does for you wha it does for me put your hand over you heart and sing along. And to that one person about whom this is written, baby i want to be soaked wit your love caause i kno that its within our grasp we just gotta reach out and grab it. I wanna love you in slow motion with my eyes closed like a steel coaster never knowing whats coming next and even thru all the loops twists and turns i kno im safe. Although there maybe so scary spots in the track i kno that we will make it where ever we end up running smash into each other. _ _ _ _ _ _ I love you!

Smash Into You - Beyoncé

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SEASONS OF LIFE LOVE AND THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS

Everyone comes to a time in their thife when they feel its time for a change. Some fin the change they need in a new man new friends of maybe a new job. I have come to a point in my life where i just wanna get away from it all. I wanna go to a club and not be mobbed by groupies a place where no one know my name where i can grow and blossom and most importantly start over. I have made the decsion to take a step out on faith and move to atlanta i am currently lookin for employment and a place to live. Once i get settled im going to enroll in fashion school that which i and so many others (a very close friend you know who you are) have always wanted to do. I have grown so sick of the scene here these kids are late and tired the boy are full of shit and the possibilities are limited. i hope to make this move sometime in the first 2-3 months of 09 new city new life NEW ME. who knows maybe one day ill be one of the real housewives of atlanta lol. I love u guys so much but u already knew that.

The Temple

A sanctuary of love
a fondue of chocolate skin that exists only to encompass you
your body up against my pretty brown skin
kissing touching rubbing bursting to feel
feel me deep inside my...
Mind
please me deeper inside my body
a temple yours forever iF you will stay in this place
when u can live, learn, grow and play
where i can please your mind touch your body
and quench your soul
im so much more than these other boyz
IM NOT JUST A HOLE!

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HATING YOUR REFLECTION

The main thing most people will think as they read the title of this blog is why would YOU hate your reflection. well reflection has more than one meaning. I sat here and thought about what i have become since the start of my matriculation here at WSSU. I ended a year relationship with my first love only two months before coming here. I came to WSSU not really knowing who i was. I began to define myself by others opinions and the perception of the men around me. I went on to fall in love with third who left me and married someone else. My world has collapsed around me. i feel like no one wants me. As i sat an reflected upon my existence i began to hate who i sat in the mirror. i look around me and i see others relationships flourishing and JAPAN is single and alone. All everyone wants to do is fuck. I refuse to be used. Isn't there a man in this world who wants me for me. One who wants to get to know my mind before he tries to introduce himself (in)to my body. I dont hate men i just dont understand them most of the time. some times the most insignificant 4 letters come together to form a word which really is the breath of life LOVE a word that can make you see everything in bright vivid colors or simply bring you to a dark place of "hating your reflection"

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The Closest to Heaven I'll Ever Be

i would would give up forever to touch you
id give my life to love you again
i walk past the road to happiness to forge a new one with you
time passes
people change
some wounds heal others grow
some fester and others bleed

this is how ive felt since the day you left me
i feel like a used napkin
i no longer have a use for anyone else
like broken glass
damaged and irepairable

if my hert had been a house it was destroyed
ravaged by a fire set by you in my figuartive fireplace
which has now spilled over and engulfed the structure
thousands in damage itens incerenerated
most were priceless and irreplacable

this is how i have felt since you left me
im afraid the world will never understand my tears
the ones that you never see
those cried in the dark
and dried far before my sleep deprived face is kissed by the morning sun

since you you have been gone my life has changed
people come people go
no one can ever make me as happy as i was
the security which i now long for
the happiness god denied me

so here i lie a used napkin in the trash where you left me
torn dirty stained used and abused
amongst the odds and ends of your self serving life
having no purpose but to pile up
you could have at least recycled me

where does one go from here
a life of perpetual tears and pain
kmowing you will never come back to me
hiding my pain from the world benath a bravely mustered smile
a portrate of the happy person i once was
before you
stepped  in
ran out
and stole my soul
a precious stone in a gallery of of treasures

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OUT OF THE ASHES

I am a man
I struggle
I struggle to escape the stereotype that the world so readily casts on me
Desperately trying ti alleviate the pressures of life
My full time occupation im losing the fight
The unending pursuit of happiness
it is a rat race or so it seems to be, held on the living room floor of Satan
controlled by fate and damned by circumstance
I exist somewhere therein
struggling to show others the real me
somewhere along the way i lost touch with who i used to be
while weathering a storm in this raging sea of living
how can you prove yourself when you're not really sure who you are
when every damn day theres another bruise another fucking scar
If your life has been an escalator ride to the top this piece aint for you
but make sure you wave to the ones for whom life really suck
who took the jagged stairs and not on a level they are stuck
bound only by circumstance but abandoned by luck
Failure seems emanate success, but a dream
people who you thought were examples of true love were not as the seemed
multi faceted like the sides of life
anguish
pain
and mental strife
sometimes i wonder where is god in this
then i remember thru all the trial he is in the midst
he who will surely hold my puny hand
provide for me protect me and carry me over the blazing sands
the sands of life the pastures of time
the grass that grows is simply to remind
me and only me of a time that has long since past
a mistake a lesson a fall on my ass
or maybe just maybe it was that fall on my face
when i tried desperately to hide in this god forsaken place
a place that blinds confuses and rapes
me of my self confidence and pride in my race
no not my color or preference in sex
but a dying breed of people who's lives should be text
the ones who be live that anything is possible when you dream
those who are born out of struggle
and looked down upon by the masses
those are genuine gentle souls who are born from the ashes
From the ashes of a person who once was
who was beaten destroyed and violated just because
just because they thought he was different
they took his soul and will to live without apology or sentiment

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Reading the Fine Print

You know how sometimes you sign a contract and read the first and last line and simply skim the middle only 2 discover that a damming factor was hidden therein. I have a theory about love that is extremely similar to that situation. When we love we love blindly seeing the person we have before us and jumping ahead to the future never considering the struggle that comes between. New love never considers heartbreak forces of nature acts of god and lost favor with lady luck. No one ever tells you that you never completely recover from the pain and heartbreak. Can one ever really move on? Do you ever stop loving someone you factored into the rest of you existence only to have it snatched away like a bottle from a baby. I have come to the conclusion i will never recover from my most recent let down. Every time i see his picture i cry hear his name i tear up. I hate the memories i think back to the most perfect valentines day i ever had that once brought me such joy which now leaves a gaping hole in my chest. I think about the child that i grew attached to the man that i loved and cared for. i think of him at least once per day and it has been over for months will i ever recover. every time i think of what he is doing with himself now i am almost physically sick and my eyes fill with tears just thinking of the idea that the man who was once my betrothed is now someone else's husband but what am i to do? i guess im really paying for the things i didn't know the little things that people never tell you. This must be what its like when you read and understand the fine print in hindsight.

In and Out of Time- Dr Maya Angelou

The sun has come.
The mist has gone.
We see in the distance...
our long way home.
I was always yours to have.
You were always mine.
We have loved each other in and out of time.
When the first stone looked up at the blazing sun
and the first tree struggled up from the forest floor
I had always loved you more.
You freed your braids...
gave your hair to the breeze.
It hummed like a hive of honey bees.
I reached in the mass for the sweet honey comb there....
Mmmm...God how I love your hair.
You saw me bludgeoned by circumstance.
Lost, injured, hurt by chance.
I screamed to the heavens....loudly screamed....
Trying to change our nightmares to dreams...
The sun has come.
The mist has gone.
We see in the distance our long way home.
I was always yours to have.
You were always mine.
We have loved each other in and out
in and out
in and out
of time.

Smokin a Cigarette Thinkin About the Past

Yesterday i stepped out on my porch to smoke little did i know when i walked out the door i had stepped out of a manhole in center of memory lane. My mind began to wonder to my exs past heartbreak and mistakes. I began to wonder it is me? Am i the bitch that everyone says i am. Am i too much to handle or am i simply choosing the same kind of men. But thats impossible they have been so unique and original in their own way. Yesterday i thought about someone that i hadn't thought on in a while third. I sat and cried and wondered why he had done me the way he had. Why he chose another over me. I was good to him i gave my best and it still wasn't enough. Its not fair. All my hope for true love is beginning to fade as i have watch all the relationships that gave me hope slowly dissolve and end. I want the American dream i don't want to be loose like everyone else i want to be faithful to a faithful man is that so much to ask? I guess ill be single for the rest of my life and I'm really not ok with that. I know you guys love me but i need that special love from a man who holds my heart. One day i pray but maybe this is how its suppose to be

I Hate You Love

Have you ever hateD love not especially because of who you love but what love does. It breaks hearts bends wills weakens minds yet we still continue to search high and low from the almost certain pain that comes with this thing LOVE? I sit and wonder is it really even necessary to pursue anything with anyone what are the chances it will last what are the chances that it wont end in heartbreak and tears. This has been my last time uttering the three most Insignificant significant little words to anyone that does not have th same blood as i do. Im so tired of being hurt so i pray ill never love again. I guess ill become bitter and spiteful but when something makes you feel like this what is there left to say beisdes I HATE YOU LOVE!